I was beaming on my wedding day 23 years ago!  I was 43 and he was 46.  We had the best love story ever!  I had met him at a popular club in the mid 80's - I was a single Mom raising my young daughter who was about 6 at the time.  My heart stopped when I met his gaze - and I told my friend that I met the most amazing guy and I want to be with him.  If was def love at first sight!  We started seeing each other at other shows and parties...but we never dates.  But something about him kept my mind on him - I even filled a journal back in late 80's all about him.  I still have it - along with my other journals.  But it was not to be - he was too into being in his band and wasn't interested at that time. 

Fast forward 15 years later in late 90's, when we started emailing and seeing each other again (by this time I was remarried to another guy - but no kids).  My feelings never left for him, so I was over the moon when he started showing signs of intereste in being friends...but I wanted more.  2 years later we bascially confirmed our love - on a mountain top in the Olympics in Washignton State - I kid you not!  He had moved to Seattle - and had returned home with this new joy in my heart, because my current marriage was basically a dud.  When my current husband picked me up at the airport, I made this announcement that I was going to be movign to Seattle, because I felt I "belonged there".  I didn't want to hurt his feelings.  He said, you're a bird and I can't hold you here.  We dealt with the house, the finances, and then I filed a divorce.  It went remarkably smooth and he was unbelieveably so understanding. So at this same time my current husband was so excited for my arrival in May of 2002 - my daughter help and even my ex at this point helped with packing the moving truck.  Things were great in Seattle - but I missed my family back in East - so we decided to move back in Fall of 2004.  Life was great, we shared so many life changing events, my daughter's marriage, two grandkids - and sad things also like losing my dad, and his parents.  We had the same friends and we had lots of fun going to shows and traveling the West Coast and many places in the US. 

This July we would have celebrated our 23 years of marriage.  But there isn't going to be any celebration. We didn't have any children (given my late year when we married) - but we lived life so fully - reparing a beautiful craftsman home together.  I'm just devestated as he came out last wednesday.   I can't wait until I can get some cousnseing - with my first intake in a few weeks.  We have family birthdays coming up and then Easter in early April  In the meantme I will tell my daughter that me and her step dad our in counseling, so after Easter I can then tell her that he is moving out because he revealed he was bi-sexual (he is actually gay) in therapy.  This is what I will tell my family members also and some friends.  I will tell a one friend the real story - which is really really troubling!  Even so, I won't be able to reveal all the details...it's pretty crazy.  Last Wednesday he broke down and told me had hooked up with dates for just sex and had been looking at gay porn for 15 years or so.   When I heard him tell me this at the kitchen table I was truly shocked...I was like, no, no way!  He went on telling me about it - because I could NOT believe what he was telling me.  Then he told me too much!  At one point when I was at work (he worked form home selling music on the internet - and still does), he actually brought two men into my home to his bedroom! 

We stopped sleeping together in the same bed because he has horrible sinus and snoring issues - and so our sex life really took a hit.  But something was off in the last two years - we weren't even really cuddling anymore.  We def were still giving hugs - but less and less kisses.  He feels awful and knows he betrayed me for not coming foward 15 years ago. He said he had 10 separate hook ups in the last 1.5 years.  He hates himself for hiding it from me and not revealing he didn't come out 15 years ago.  Kind of amazing that people can go to bed at night knowing they are betraying their spouse.  When we watch tv shows about affairs - we had always agreed that if someone wants to have an affiar, fine get a divorce!  I will say he has been a wonderful husband to me - and shown me respect and love for 23 years. 

The last few years I noticed some changes in his behavior - as we started bickering a LOT.  He has been fantastic with my daughter and grandkids - and my brother and friends also.  He admitted he should told me ten years ago - and I think that is what really makes me mad.  Why didn't you just tell me fifteen years ago when I was 51 years old - instead of 66 now.  He does say he loved our marriage and still loves me deeply - but he has to live his truth.  So I do get that - but did he have to wait so long?  Also - it is abundantly clear he is a full on narcissist - and he admitted to me in the last few days he is also - because he has been so selfish.  So he knows how awful this is and he is expressing a lot of remorsefulness...and I do believe that.   But wow!  Everything is lining up now - like so many to mention - it's the little things that now I realize were signs in the past - very quick to snap back at me - little eye contact.  His whole body posture has changed from 2 years ago also. I wasn't feeling great either - mildly depressed - but not sure why.  But to tell me he knew 15 years ago?  Crushing is not the word - there are so many other words to describe what I'm feeling.  But we are setting up boundaries - and are open to giving each other hugs and also we are in the houe together until end of May - so we have to work together.  We even discuss how to reveal all this to family, freinds.  But it's all too fresh and we are both getting ready to go iinto counseling - the sooner the better.  He needs anti-anxiety medicine and so do I.  I don't hate him - but will never forgive him for not telling me this 15 years ago!   I believe it when people say they have lost their appetite over this...I think I lost 3 pounds since last Wednesday.We will always love each other though - we've shared such a huge part of our lives together.  We both want to stay friends and meet for lunch now and then.  But for now - it's a lot to process and organze - one step at a time during this scary time.  What goes on your body, and brain is terrible!  I'm taking care of myself (walking, stretching and eating some) and am encouraging my husband to do the same...even going through this - we need each other. I'm doing lots of online puzzles and wordle also.  I'm also listening to either classical music stations or listening to nature sounds on youtube.  I can't handle dead silence at all - I have to hear something all day when I'm at home or at work on the computer.  I'll never be able to listen to our favorite songs the same way.  Todd Rudgren's, Hello It's Me was our song.  When I mentioned this to him - we both cried again.  This whole damn thing is just so sad and upsetting.

Last edited by turqoise-water (Today 6:04 pm)