OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - ConcernedMama
- New member
Offline
What about the kids?
I am currently going through figuring out co-parenting and figuring out how things are going to work as far as talking to the kids about the transition and also how certain things are going to be handled as far as people referring to their father as a woman and some people not even knowing that their father is trans. I am uncomfortable with my kids being in an environment where the people that are there don't know that he's trans. And I'm not talking about being out in public I know that is a completely different situation. I'm talking about them being over at a house to play or spend any amount of time. That house needs to be a safe place and not a time bomb where someone might find out by my my kids saying dad instead of mom. And even if the people who don't know aren't their regularly it still is a time bomb of them showing up at some point while my kids are over there and then that confrontation happening in front of my children. We are about to have a counseling session where I'm going to bring this up directly. But I am curious about how people have handled breaking the news to their kids and what their boundaries are as far as with the kids can be exposed to. Especially at a young age. And I'm sure there are a ton of other things that I haven't ran into yet that I can't even think of that's going to come up during this process. I just want to navigate this in the best way that I can when it comes to my kids.
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: What about the kids?
ConcernedMama wrote:
I just want to navigate this in the best way that I can when it comes to my kids.
I can't tell if you believe in the trans ideology or not but by the sounds of it you want your children to be accepting of their father being a woman. To pretend that it's normal to see him as a woman.
Have I got that right?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- ConcernedMama
- New member
Offline
Re: What about the kids?
The opposite really. I dont want them to pretend anything. Their dad wants to bring them to where he is staying but there are people there that have no idea he is Trans. And I dont see that as a safe place for my kids because they say he/him and call him dad.
I dont want to sway my kids either way. I want them to do what they are comfortable with but putting them in a situation where what they are comfortable with (saying dad and he/him) would potentially out their dad if certain people happen to drop by while they are there. Then they would be the catalyst of a conversation about their dad's identity that may or may not become heated. I dont consider that to be a safe space for them to be in.
I guess what I feel is that if the kids are going to be spending time regularly at any place then everyone that could show up while they are there should be in the know.
I get that it is different for being in public vs being in private. But a private spaces the kids occupy should be safe and not a time bomb of outing their dad's identity.
This is the current conversation that is happening in a couple days with a councilor. I am honestly still processing and am not sure how to navigateany of this this while keeping the kids first. I dont want them to simply be side characters in a changing plot and just deal however they can with how the adults feel they want to handle it. Their needs and understanding and development comes first.
I cant really find much content about other people's experiences of navigating this chapter with their kids and how the kids did through it.
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: What about the kids?
I dont want them to pretend anything. Their dad wants to bring them to where he is staying but there are people there that have no idea he is Trans. And I dont see that as a safe place for my kids because they say he/him and call him dad.
How old are the children?
I don't think any child should bear the responsibility of being careful about how other people (strangers basically?) perceive who and what their father is. Personally I don't believe it will be a safe place for them and it seems like you, as their mother, have doubts as well.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- broomhilda2
- Member
Offline
Re: What about the kids?
It doesn't sound emotionally safe for them at all.
I don't know what country you're in, but in the U.S. we can choose to mediate over divorce court. Through mediation, you can customize your agreement rather than have a judge make a "legal" ruling.
You could agree that there are no overnight visitations until the age of say, 15, where the children can choose whether or not they want to stay over. Dad could pick them up from school 2 days a week and take them to dinner, plus one daytime visit (outside of his home) on Saturday every other week as their visitation. That sort of thing... you could also agree that a therapist be involved in figuring out the healthiest way to help the children.
Last edited by broomhilda2 (February 9, 2026 1:00 pm)
- freedmyself
- Member
Offline
Re: What about the kids?
You're right to be centering the kids. They should not be required to lie or pretend or fake anything for the sake of their dad's closet. Hopefully your counsellor can help their dad understand that if he doesn't want an awkward moment because their kids call him Dad, then he either needs to make sure the people who are going to hear that already know he's trans, OR he visit with the kids at times and places where he doesn't risk awkwardness. Maybe his place isn't appropriate at all for kids their age.
- OutofHisCloset
- Member
Offline
Re: What about the kids?
Do I have this right that your stbx is in the closet? That he is still to all appearances a man? Do your kids know he has decided he is a woman? If he is telling them he's a woman but has not changed in his appearance at all they must be experiencing some intense cognitive dissonance, which ought to be relevant to the court or mediator as they decide custody. It isn't right that the kids are forced to negotiate that.
When you say "there are people there [where he is staying] who don't know he's trans, do you mean don't know he's closeted, and assume he's the man he is? Or do you mean the others accept him in his trans identity don't know he's male? Has your husband been open with the people he's living with about his identity? If he's living with trans people, I would also be worrying about whether the people he's living with are safe for your children to be around.
- walkbymyself
- Member
Offline
Re: What about the kids?
"I dont want them to pretend anything. Their dad wants to bring them to where he is staying but there are people there that have no idea he is Trans. "
I read this to mean there are people where he is staying that think he's a cis female and don't realize he's trans. Meaning, the kids will be burdened with having to guard their every interaction. Which is appalling. Kids should never, ever be burdened with maintaining lies like that. It's like telling them to bench-press 200 lbs: no matter how hard they try to please you, they're going to fail and have that on their conscience. It's flat-out child abuse. It's selfish and it forces the child to function as a parent so that the parent can function as a child.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: What about the kids?
"I dont want them to pretend anything. Their dad wants to bring them to where he is staying but there are people there that have no idea he is Trans. "
I read this to mean there are people where he is staying that think he's a cis female and don't realize he's trans. Meaning, the kids will be burdened with having to guard their every interaction. Which is appalling. Kids should never, ever be burdened with maintaining lies like that. It's like telling them to bench-press 200 lbs: no matter how hard they try to please you, they're going to fail and have that on their conscience. It's flat-out child abuse. It's selfish and it forces the child to function as a parent so that the parent can function as a child.
Well said Walk ✅
Elle
KIA KAHA
- ConcernedMama
- New member
Offline
Re: What about the kids?
He presents female but the kids call him dad and use he/him as they always have. This is why i use he/him still, my kids are my compass in this.
The guys who's house it is knows everything. His very conservative mother that doesnt live there but comes over has no idea. She thinks he is a woman.
She isnt there all the time but obviously shows up unannounced sometimes as they were not supposed to meet yet and ended up meeting when she showed up one day. She called him a dike and a carpet muncher because he was there with his new girlfriend.
So my concern is if she shows up unannounced while my kids are there and then they out him as trans. Her response will be unpredictable. And I don't want my kids to potentially be a catalyst to a heated conversation between adults because they're just being themselves. So my take is that if she's coming over there regularly and might show up while my kids are there she needs to know the full truth. At the very least there needs to be a plan for if she does show up unannounced while my kids are there that I'm comfortable with and this is kind of where I'm stuck. Because I want to be flexible. But I don't want my kids to be in a time bomb Zone with no contingency plan for the possible explosion. The plan's going to have to be pretty darn good for me to be okay with that I'm being over there and the mom not knowing.
So far I'm being made out to be overly protective and catastrophizing the situation because she usually is there at a certain time and the chance of her showing up is small from what they're saying. But I also still need to ask clarification on what small actually means.
We have been in a limbo state for a while. And we are just starting to have these conversations and discuss boundaries and rules. I said that I didn't want anything new until we had these boundaries and rules figured out. And we've been waiting to get into a counselor to talk together because when we try to talk about it on our own it just doesn't work out. So now he's all antsy because it's been a while since he's been over there and he wants the kids to be able to be involved in his life but I'm not seeing enough stability to move forward with it yet. We are currently trying to not go through the courts. Depending on how this goes will pretty much depend on if I go that route or not.
- •
Thread Starter