Hi Broom...I'm actually in a very similar situation at the moment and am glad to see someone else here in this phase! My ex has been moved out for a year now and I just recently started dating again. It is so complicated...I expected it to be easier to figure out my own attraction and chemistry with someone new, but I think our old experiences get in the way of this a lot. I had a couple dates with one guy and thought he was great but the chemistry wasn't there - so I told him basically thanks but no thanks. He actually came back with a thoughtful reply that made me wonder if I wasn't giving things enough time to develop. He was out of town for a bit right after that and so we only chatted over text - it shocked me how much that actually helped me to relax and find a connection where I thought one couldn't exist.

I think it's impossible for us to not be "in our heads" about the physicality of being with someone new and all the questions it brings up. Being able to develop some chemistry without having the pressure of being in the moment with someone and having to make decisions about physical intimacy was the key for me. When he got back from his trip we got together and I'm happy to say we had an easy connection at that point and are still seeing each other. Something to think about maybe. 

What I'm finding much more difficult now that I've figured out the attraction/chemistry/sex with someone new is actually the rest of what makes up a relationship. I've been burned so badly in terms of trusting someone to be who they say they are I feel like I need almost constant reassurance, which I'm working overtime to talk myself down from. I'm constantly second-guessing what's in his head if he's quiet or if conversation lags...I have this feeling like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and I'm constantly on the lookout for what is going to go wrong here. It makes it incredibly hard for me to just relax, which can also get in the way of feeling connected. 

I find the pacing very difficult too! I need to take things a slowly but the guy I'm seeing (who is lobbying for the title boyfriend) is a jump in with both feet kind of person. Normally I would be that way too, and I'm so enjoying the time we spend together, but it makes for a lot of heavy lifting emotionally. I have a good therapist which is helpful. To be fair, if I asked him to slow down he would, he seems to be very open to accommodating what I need here...I guess I want it both ways - the fun of immersing myself in something new and the slow pace of tip-toeing into deeper waters. 

Anyway I hope some of this resonates or is helpful to think about. As I type I'm understanding a bit more of my own thoughts and feelings around it also, which is helpful for me, so thank you for starting the topic!

EleanorIsntHere wrote:

I'm actually in a very similar situation at the moment and am glad to see someone else here in this phase! 

 
Thank you so much for responding. We definitely are in a similar situation!

EleanorIsntHere wrote:

I think it's impossible for us to not be "in our heads" about the physicality of being with someone new and all the questions it brings up. Being able to develop some chemistry without having the pressure of being in the moment with someone and having to make decisions about physical intimacy was the key for me...

I've been keeping our contact to messaging only & seeing him once on the weekend for the last month & a half. He's been understanding so far. He doesn't know why I left my husband - they actually used to be in a band together years ago 😬 He came on sooo strong at first, it rattled my nervous system. I do feel like not having the social pressure and worrying about physicality helps while getting to know him better through text. 

EleanorIsntHere wrote:

What I'm finding much more difficult now that I've figured out the attraction/chemistry/sex with someone new is actually the rest of what makes up a relationship. I've been burned so badly in terms of trusting someone to be who they say they are I feel like I need almost constant reassurance, which I'm working overtime to talk myself down from. I'm constantly second-guessing what's in his head if he's quiet or if conversation lags...

I understand. Those symptoms sound similar to trauma bonding as well.
I'm wondering what happens when this "hopeless romantic" act ends? What's this person like when he's "normal". He's been in 3 longish relationships & claims he doesn't know why they left, which we all know is not true, but it's still early to expect him to be 100% vulnerable.

With his history, I'm assuming he'll want to be together a lot or move in together at some point which I will not do. I'm meeting him on Friday and will see if I have the courage to talk about some of this with him.

EleanorIsntHere wrote:

I find the pacing very difficult too! I need to take things a slowly but the guy I'm seeing (who is lobbying for the title boyfriend) is a jump in with both feet kind of person. Normally I would be that way too, and I'm so enjoying the time we spend together, but it makes for a lot of heavy lifting emotionally.

Yes! They know they're ready for it all right now, but we aren't. I feel bad that it's taking me a while to figure it out. I don't want to be like my Ex and use someone for the attention. I hope I'm not like that because that was a horrible way to live.

EleanorIsntHere wrote:

Anyway I hope some of this resonates or is helpful to think about. As I type I'm understanding a bit more of my own thoughts and feelings around it also, which is helpful for me, so thank you for starting the topic!

I haven't seen much about post-divorce dating on here, so I always hope someone else can be supported when I share... And regarding the feeling of not wanting to be locked in to a relationship. YES. I really have worked hard to be independent. Getting support in the forum before making my moves also helped a great deal. I'm still working at it but I'm so much safer & better off than I was. My time is pretty limited and any extra I have, I use often to rest. Now I have to share it with someone, boo/yay?
My therapist said that when I feel chemistry/attraction for someone, I won't feel any of this and that I will look forward to spending lots of time with that person. 
I'm not sure she's had much experience with straight spouses!

Thanks again, Eleanor! It always helps to not feel like you're the only one.
 

Thank you to both of you for sharing your dating stories.  I dream of dating some day.  I think a lot about how different it will be this time around - I already have my kids, own my house, and pay all my own bills. 

I'd love to find out what it's like to enjoy the attentions of a straight man (was married to the gay one for 20 plus years) but I'm enjoying my freedom at the moment.  When I think about dating, I imagine that the tradeoff of companionship vs freedom would really depend on the specifics of the relationship. 

I also imagine that regardless of how much healing we've done, a new relationship prompts a lot of second-guessing and overthinking. At least I think it would for me.