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1 - broomhilda2
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Started Dating 3-Years Post Divorce
Hello - I haven't logged in for a long time. I divorced my Gay-Ex 3 years ago after a 30 year relationship. I've spent a lot of time working on myself; trying different therapies, hypnosis, meditations, medication... I stepped away from the forum because at some point, I needed to let the shame go & realized that my f'kd up marriage wasn't going to define me anymore. Reading all the posts and being reminded of my trauma would trigger bouts of anxiety and C-PTSD.
Anyway, I'm back. An acquaintance, out of the blue, asked me out to dinner and I've spent the last month & a half wondering if I like him or if my nervous system is triggered. The first 3 weeks I was so angry at him for asking me out because I felt so uncomfortable. I hadn't had to think about all the things that come along with dating for over 30 years! Like, what am *I* looking for? How much time can an afford a new person in my life? I'm going to have to kiss him... potentially have sex again... My body felt like I was in danger & my mind was racing and ruminating.
We've seen each other 1-on-1 four times so far and he's recently mentioned cleaning his apartment so I can come over - yipes! I don't really feel like I have too much in common with him although I'm enjoying the attention. He seems to have emotional wounds himself and so he's giving off puppy dog vibes rather than a secure guy which I think need. He also reminds me of my dad, which is NOT sexy.
It's weird though having someone tell me I'm beautiful and really wants to touch me.
My therapist had encouraged me to go out with him & just see what happens and have fun. The last we spoke, she said it sounded like there is no attraction on my part. Isn't sad that I have to rely on a therapist to tell me whether I'm not attracted to someone or being triggered? Too many years of word-salad and gaslighting will do that to you I guess.
I met with a Psychiatric Nurse last week who told me that I have generalized anxiety disorder and haven't been medicated properly for probably a very long time. She's increasing my dosage over the next 2 months significantly.
I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar response when you first started dating again? Where you questioned your feelings, had trauma response to new suitors, terrified, or if medication might've helped you relax and let yourself enjoy a new relationship? He's nice but I keep thinking I'd rather see him once a month :D I don't really want to be locked into a relationship again so that must mean I don't want to be with *him*. Now I have to navigate the stressful situation of having to tell him the dreaded words "I just want to be friends". -OR- should I wait until my medication balances me out over the next few weeks?
~broom
Last edited by broomhilda2 (January 26, 2026 2:58 am)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Started Dating 3-Years Post Divorce
Broom...!!! Hello, welcome back!
Your post was the first one I saw when I logged on this morning and I want to reacquaint myself with your/our earlier posts/messages so....I'll be back. Good to see you 
Elle
I'm back, read through your posts and want to ask....how is your son now, his r'ship with you and his r'ship with his father. I think it must be difficult for a son to discuss this particular reason for divorce with his father.
My family had an even bigger bombshell dropped in the middle of it so we're not the cohesive unit we once were
(thankfully my son is still there for me and has a good r'ship with his father) I feel invisible and irrelevant at the moment but cover it up well because my son is going through something he feels could break him at any moment and I need to be neutral and compassionate for him.
E
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 26, 2026 1:48 pm)
KIA KAHA
- broomhilda2
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Re: Started Dating 3-Years Post Divorce
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Broom...!!! Hello, welcome back!
want to ask....how is your son now, his r'ship with you and his r'ship with his father. I think it must be difficult for a son to discuss this particular reason for divorce with his father.
Well... he ended up going through an angry phase. He was pissed off at his father, then he started treating me a bit crappy too. He basically lost respect for both of us and started heavily vaping THC all day, not driving, failing college, failing to launch. I tried to "fix" or control the situation but that seemed to make it worse. My therapist suggested I disengage and stop talking to him when he's wasted so that he stops picking up on my disappointment.
He hasn't talked to my Ex about the elephant in the room which I KNOW is unhealthy but he insisted that he didn't want to discuss it with dad. I offered to let his dad know that I've spilled the secret but my son said, not to. He's been going to therapy for a year but I'm not seeing any change for the better. I hope he's not getting supply from his appointments rather than working on himself.
I've disengaged (but still loving) for about 2-3 months now and my son seems a bit more calm. At Thanksgiving time (in Nov) I even gave him a push out of the house because I found out that he and my Ex were basically talking shit about our families and how they didn't want to go to thanksgiving. So I insisted he find out if he could stay with his dad for a few days - which he's never done in the 3 years since divorce... it was time for dad to deal with him and also for my son to get a taste of fending for himself.
Since staying with dad, he's growing in independence. So hopefully, he'll start balancing out.
My family had an even bigger bombshell dropped in the middle of it so we're not the cohesive unit we once were (thankfully my son is still there for me and has a good r'ship with his father) I feel invisible and irrelevant at the moment but cover it up well because my son is going through something he feels could break him at any moment and I need to be neutral and compassionate for him.
I read your xmas post but didn't really understand what was going on. I hope your son is ok. It's hard to be there for someone else when emotionally exhausted yourself.
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Started Dating 3-Years Post Divorce
I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar response when you first started dating again? Where you questioned your feelings, had trauma response to new suitors, terrified, or if medication might've helped you relax and let yourself enjoy a new relationship? He's nice but I keep thinking I'd rather see him once a month :D I don't really want to be locked into a relationship again so that must mean I don't want to be with *him*. Now I have to navigate the stressful situation of having to tell him the dreaded words "I just want to be friends". -OR- should I wait until my medication balances me out over the next few weeks?
~broom
It sounds to me like you have too many questions about the possibilities and success of a new r'ship for it to be healthy enough and for you to be content you're doing the right thing.
If once a month seems good to you....go with that. Don't let some guy push you faster than you want to go.
Would "I want to take this slower...." be better than "I just want to be friends..." ...?
E
KIA KAHA
- broomhilda2
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Re: Started Dating 3-Years Post Divorce
It sounds to me like you have too many questions about the possibilities and success of a new r'ship for it to be healthy enough and for you to be content you're doing the right thing.
If once a month seems good to you....go with that. Don't let some guy push you faster than you want to go.
Would "I want to take this slower...." be better than "I just want to be friends..." ...?
He sent me a text a little while ago asking what I think about taking a day trip somewhere (at least 2 hours away) and spending the night?!? After date #2 I had to tell him to slow down because the amount of compliment was disproportionate to the amount of time we'd spent together. We have been on 4 dates now (if you call grabbing a coffee for 40 mins a date; otherwise 3 dates) and I told him a week ago that I have C-PTSD in hopes he would be mindful of taking things slower.
You're right. I think if I was attracted, I'd lean into him but instead I'm repelling. Just wondering if anyone else had similar reactions or if I'm just a panicking weirdo.
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Started Dating 3-Years Post Divorce
.....Just wondering if anyone else had similar reactions or if I'm just a panicking weirdo.
You have every reason to be a "cautious dater". This is now your life and the only person in charge is you. If this guy you're seeing gets antsy about taking it slow....he's probably not worth the wait.
As for me dating....bahahahahahaha
I'll never trust another man romantically again
E
KIA KAHA
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Started Dating 3-Years Post Divorce
.....We've seen each other 1-on-1 four times so far and he's recently mentioned cleaning his apartment so I can come over - yipes! Yipes indeed Broom! Talk about moving fast!
My therapist had encouraged me to go out with him & just see what happens and have fun. I used to see the phrases "have fun" and "see what happens" on the dating/sex app my former partner found and had us seeing other couples on. I see it as very casual and open advice....from a therapist. Maybe it's looked at in a different way where you come from but I'd have thought it a strange thing for a therapist in my country to say.
Or maybe I'm the weird one being a prude....lol
I tend to look at men differently now.
E
KIA KAHA
- broomhilda2
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Re: Started Dating 3-Years Post Divorce
I used to see the phrases "have fun" and "see what happens" on the dating/sex app my former partner found and had us seeing other couples on. I see it as very casual and open advice....from a therapist. Maybe it's looked at in a different way where you come from but I'd have thought it a strange thing for a therapist in my country to say.
I think so too. It's online therapy so sometimes I think she forgets I have trauma. I think her point was that I don't know what it even feels like to have a man be attracted to me and want to genuinely be with me. The problem is that now I have to deal with my wacky nervous system thinking I'm in danger.
When I think of breaking things off, then I worry that I'm making a mistake. Then I wondering if I'm falling into old patterns of trying to please and fix everything. Anyway, I guess I'll figure it out eventually.
I don't trust men either. I was actually doing fine on my own.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Started Dating 3-Years Post Divorce
.....When I think of breaking things off, then I worry that I'm making a mistake. Then I wondering if I'm falling into old patterns of trying to please and fix everything. Anyway, I guess I'll figure it out eventually...,.
Can he/will he accept being "friends with benefits" as you work on your new self..? How
do you feel about that! 😎
Elle
KIA KAHA
- broomhilda2
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Re: Started Dating 3-Years Post Divorce
Can he/will he accept being "friends with benefits" as you work on your new self..? How
do you feel about that! 😎
Hmm. I can explore that option 😂 Thanks for convo - I knew I could count on you! Hope things get better on your end. Feel free to message if you'd like to vent.
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Thread Starter