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1 - vicky
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I did it
We had a long talk and he still denied it but the end outcome is that we are going to live amicably for now. We've always been good friends and we both really want to see the kids every day. This is a temporary solution but I'm optimistic we can be grown ups and make it work.
I still can't believe I did it. Being an adult is tough. I deserve a glass of wine tonight. (My wine glass will be 750ml)
Vicky
- Kel
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Re: I did it
Yay! I'm so proud of you! That's a hard conversation to have, and you did it! Taking this step might be a pit stop on the road to where you're going. But most roadtrips need a few pit stops, so that's okay.
I will tell you that is not going to be easy. It might be easier than what you were trying to do, though. I was surprised that once my ex and I decided that we were no longer going to be a couple, a lot of the compromise went out of the relationship. Turns out I'd been giving in on a lot for the sake of our relationship, and without that incentive, I had no reaso to bend. Suddenly we were roommates who weren't really friends after all.
We used the time (in my old marriage) to be very intentional about affection (or rather, lack of it). We no longer kissed or hugged each other, said "I love you", or slept in the same bed. That way when we did decide it was time for my ex to move out, the kids weren't as shocked when we told them. (We rarely fought in front of the kids, so they wouldn't have known anything was really wrong). They can feel the separation without a ton of stress.
Best of luck!
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- vicky
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Re: I did it
He tried to turn it around on me repeatedly. I'm not affectionate he said. I said he didn't recognize all the ways I showed him I loved him. That he made no effort to be affectionate with me even when i tried. When I pointed it out he conceded. He kept trying to turn it around and I kept calm and kept my head straight and make very good arguments against what he was saying and he saw my point of view and apologized a few times. That itself is a small miracle. In the end it wasn't about the gay thing really. I think if he was honest we could have worked out an arrangement. But he wasn't. So here I am one of you now. But I had to try i wouldn't have felt right if i hadn't done everything I could. I dont have any ill will towards him I honestly hope he finds what makes him happy and recognizes it when he does find it.
Vicky
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: I did it
Vicky,
".. dont have any ill will towards him I honestly hope he finds what makes him happy"..
I also do have a lot of ill will toward my ex.. but she was so cruel to me.. I hope she finds what shes looking for but I just want her to just leave me alone. For the most part she seems to be doing that..the rage and anger is diminishing (or shes planning the next mean thing). She have been barking orders at me about the kids but I've learned to see them for what they are...little putdowns and her pointing out some
minor fault with how I'm taking care of the kids.. NO CONTACT ...no reply is my standard procedure.. her
words are rants of a sick person that I cannnot help..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- vicky
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Re: I did it
Rob
It's early days for me. I am going to focus on being optimistic and not petty and I sincerely hope he does the same. I want my kids to have 2 parents around the clock for as long as possible. They adore him so much it pains me to separate them. I introduced the idea of dating for both of us. He was skeptical it could work but there are no rules for life you make it up as you go along. And for as long as it works go with it. If it stops working then rewrite it. I'm nervous excited elated and a bit nostalgic all at once it's a lot to absorb.
Vicky
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Thread Starter- Séan
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Re: I did it
Well done Vicky. You've come very far in a relatively short period of time. I'd caution that the closeted gay husband/father in denial is still a very unstable person. He has a lot of emotional ground to cover...alone. But the fact that he's apologizing and conceding on certain points is certainly promising. He's lucky to have you as are your children. Good luck and I look forward to following your journey.
- vicky
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Re: I did it
Well Sean you can take some credit along with all the others here. I've never really discussed my relationship partly at his request 'don't tell your sister' he would say. So when I started talking I noticed a theme in what people were saying to me. My friends and family you guys and finally my counselor. So it hit home fast and my friend said to me I need to stop worrying about others and put the oxygen mask on myself first. Then I can help others.
Vicky
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Thread Starter- phoenix
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Re: I did it
Vicky, that's such a great analogy!.
Make yourself healthy first so that you can help others. Certainly don't put your husband first anymore.. he certainly hasn't done the same for you.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Daryl
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Re: I did it
Dating while living together (but effectively apart) sounds awkward and could create some unexpected friction. Definitely make sure there's some agreed upon rules in terms of making sure the other person isn't unfairly tasked with child watching, especially of the unexpected kind. Overnights, bringing dates home, etc. would be a bit disrespectful to me. It could be a bit of a minefield the longer it lasts.
If you are legally married, in Ontario you must be living separate for at least a year before you can apply for divorce. That doesn't mean different residences but does mean separated lives as in sleeping quarters, non-shared meals and so on. Shared expenses need to be spelled out similarly to a rental agreement you'd make for an in-law apartment. It may be different in common-law situations.
On the assumption you two can amicably work together as effective parents the best option in the longer term would be separate residences near enough that the kids can easily float between them without disrupting their school and friendships. This allows both of you to become individuals in your own spaces. In the short term, there's nothing wrong with staying in the same place as long as it isn't offering false hope to anyone that it will all go back to what was.
Good luck, every small step counts.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- lily
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Re: I did it
um, if I remember right you aren't married, don't believe in marriage?
so I just want to sound a word of caution - there are laws about relationships with or without the marriage licence and it might be worth finding out where you stand - it's not just the divorce it's the financial separation. Time usually factors into it so if you want to establish the relationship is ended it won't be as long as you are under the same roof.