Hi Midwest Mom, 
I think it's really common for us straight spouses to want to focus on our LGBT partner, and try to Figure Them Out, especially when their coming out represents such a departure from the person we though we were married to.  And for sure there are people here (not me) who remained married to a bisexual spouse and are having a meaningful relationship, as well as people for whom it did not work out. 

I encourage you to try to let go of Is He Bi or Is He Gay, or Will He Become Gay Later because it's just not knowable.  If he himself didn't know all along he was Bi, it seems unlikely that even your husband can predict whether this is his final sexual identity forever, or if he's going to identify as gay at some point in the future.   It's normal for those of us in this extremely confusing position to turn to other people's experience, or psychological information, or data, to figure out our spouse.  There's just no knowing how things might evolve for him in the future. 

More relevant is what YOU want.  How do you feel about the prospects of being married to a man who is hooking up with men?  Are your needs -  sexual and emotional - being met? 

Last edited by freedmyself (December 10, 2025 1:25 am)

Hi MidwestMom - Sorry you're here, but welcome. I think I am in the minority here, being a straight man whose ex now says she is a lesbian. Mine is a bit different, in that I dont think my ex has any clue who she is, what her identity is, or anything else, she just knows we are all on this planet to serve her needs. Good advice above, I did not hang on as long as many, simply because my identity has always been clear and once I let go of the fact that I was married to a person that never existed, I realized I did not lose anything but had gained the whole world. 

While not a "good time" I am grateful for the experience. My life has opened up in ways I never even considered prior, because all of my energy went to regulating her emotions, walking on eggshells, and being a career, dad, husband to someone that never even liked me, let alone loved me. Now, years later, I have true love....Something to consider I read awhile back; think of your entire relationship, have you ever had true psychological safety? If not, you likely did not experience love, but an attachment (in some cases unhealthy, others not)

Now that I know what that feels like? I realize it took 43+ years to be in love for the first time and I'll be getting married again in the future. You are at the beginning , feel every bit of it, learn what you can, take your time that YOU need, not what he needs, clearly he is getting that already. Time to focus on you. Best of luck
 

MidwestMom wrote:

My husband recently came out as bisexual. After years of turmoil, I have chosen to accept him and help him along his journey
.....
He insists this can work and he isn't gay - just likes to hook up with men too. .... 

 

Well...there it is. "After years of turmoil" you've chosen (chosen? really?) to accept him fucking men and 
he insists he isn't gay just likes to....and let's call a spade a spade....fuck men. He's already had cake for 21 years, but now wants more cake, with icing, and he wants you to be okay with it because he knows you're in love, and monogamous and rather than lose what you have you agree to this monumental change in the dynamic of your marriage. 

Midwest you need to reach deep down into yourself and think about what you want your life to look like. in 2 years, 5, in a decade. Don't be like me and be carried along for 20 years....accepting, scared of change, events slowly chipping away at my self-esteem...sure that it will all work out okay won't it?

I wish you the very best decision. For you.

Elle