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1 of 1- Nantucket1931
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Confused
My partner and I were together 10 years. Around year 8 things started to feel different, he slowly stopped caring about my opinion, and started devaluing me. This was at the same time he met and started mentioning a new male friend. Over the next two years things escalated to him totally flipping a switch on me constantly saying we should break up but then pulling me back in. He seemed to be having a total identity crisis and was just so frustrated at himself. He would mention this friend to family at dinner, to me as well..when I broke up with him he and the friend became good friends by the look of his social media. The friend was brought to his moms wedding even. But at the same time during the last year of being together I also think he was cheating online with women, although no physical proof ( did not go through his phone ). I thought for sure oh there must be something going on with the friend. But then he started dating a beautiful female instagram type model. I am just so confused. There was also other very strange behaviour going on. Appearance totally changed, friend group changed. Has anyone experiejced this? The reason it hurts so much is because we had such a strong connection and relationship prior.
- lily
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Re: Confused
The confusion you're feeling is one of the symptoms of a MOM. Clearing up that confusion is going to help a lot I think so good for you finding this forum - it is painful to be rejected but it's a lot easier to heal from when you can see the truth of the matter.
The only love my ex ever really had for me was cupboard love.
- fashioncate
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Re: Confused
Looking for insight or help or I don't know what. 30 year hetero marriage. 2 years ago a lot of change started. In 6 months my husband purchased black stilletto heels to wear when we went out, anal plugs, lace panties, nail polish for home mani/pedis, and asked me to use a strap on device ( I declined-"that just isn't me). Tested mascara one night while I was out (I questioned the smudges under his eyes-iykyk) and is growing his hair out "just to see how it looks longer". I feel his is gay/bi and trying to get a grip on which way to go. He claims nothing of the sort and while he sees why I may think that from the above listed information, he is straight. I have offered freedom to explore, and an open marriage trial time so he can explore if he wants. Mean while I can"t stand to be touched by manicured hands nor reach down and touch lace panties when we are intimate. As for the heels when we go out for an evening...it just really hard for me. So part of this is a rant and part is looking for insight. What coping strategies should I use to come to grips with this change? Am I looking for an issue (bi or Gay sexuality) that isn't there? Thanks.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Confused
fashioncate wrote:
..... What coping strategies should I use to come to grips with this change?.....
Coping strategies? Do you want to be married to a man who dresses as a woman? Do you want to accept the sexual dress-up in your intimate times? Are you ready to call him she/her and for him to refer to himself as a lesbian (and since he is one that means you are one too).
You don't need coping strategies....you need the strength to make difficult decisions about your life, not his. What do you want your life to look like in five years?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- freedmyself
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Re: Confused
Hi Nantucket,
I can relate to a lot of your story - a couple of years prior to my GXH coming out to me, his deception and gaslighting increased substantially. New clothes, new friends, changed appearance - the whole thing you described.
I spent a lot of time after he came out trying to Figure Out What Happened. Was his sexuality so suppressed that it was buried in his subconscious at the beginning of our relationship? What had he been doing on the side while we were married? Was any of my marriage actually real?
Eventually I had to face the fact that he is never going to be honest with me, and I am never going to know the details. While distance and time have allowed me to look back and assemble a rough outline, it's taken some work on my part to hang up my detective hat and give up on needing to know every last detail.
From my reading of this forum, there aren't a lot of us that get much in the way of closure. Makes healing a lot more work!
- freedmyself
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Re: Confused
Hi fashioncate,
Your husband doesn't sound straight to me. I can't tell from your post if you're questioning whether to stay married, or if you're looking for support around how to remain married even with his newfound preferences that don't work for you.
If you're planning on staying married to him, and you're looking for strategies for how to handle his new self, consider posting on this forum on the MOM board. The people there have remained in their committed relationships after their spouse came out as LGBT, and their experiences are more relevant if you're looking for how to manage the marriage in the long run.
- fashioncate
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Re: Confused
Ellexoh_nz Thanks for the insight.
Freedmyself-will look into MOM boards.
Not exactly the support I thought was here but will forge ahead. Thinking alone is better than what I have now.