We have been married for 17 years.

We met performing in a community theatre group. We were in a show or two before our relationship turned romantic. We went out as a group after a show one night and we started making out on the dance floor. I asked him out and things developed from there. Right from the start things were easy. We were talking about the future after only a few weeks. Things seemed to click. About 3 months into the relationship we had sex. I was his first. I had previous relationships and had even been engaged once before. He had 2 very short relationships before me met me. And they were high school, so it really wasn’t much.

Things were good. 9 months into the relationship, a condom didn’t stay on and we ended up pregnant. We were both excited. It was earlier than planned, but it would be okay. I moved in with him and we had our child and then we got married 5 months after the birth, because we decided to wait to marry until after the focus was off of having a baby. After finding out we were pregnant m, I asked him to take some time and think, because I wanted him to marry me for ME, not because of a baby.

I should add here, that before we began a sexual relationship, he disclosed to me that he was HIV positive. That he had been given tainted blood when he was 18 months old. But he was “undetectable.” After reflection, I felt I was able to deal with that, so the relationship continued and not too soon afterwards, we had sex. Our first child was an “ooops” so we also went through preventative medicines for me, and I have never contracted the disease.

Our next 3 children were born with the help of IUI to protect my health.

Sex has been in our marriage, but I am a very sexual person and I usually initiated. We never had it on a crazy regular basis, but into our marriage I became frustrated that it wasn’t frequent enough. But I always attributed it to his medicines for HIV, or issues in life (marriage spats, his inexperience, the fact that he was uncircumcised and he sometimes found it painful, pregnancies, medical issues - he had a hip replacement, etc). I also placed part of the blame on me. Maybe if I was thinner, sexier, adventurous, etc. Maybe we just had a relationship that wasn’t all about sex. We had a good relationship, where sex wasn’t a huge priority.

But for the past year or more, he has pulled away. For the first time, we were in another show together. This show centered on sexuality and had a cast that was largely part of the LGBTQ+ community. As far as I know, this was the turning point for him. I actually had a miserable experience and felt left out. He had a great experience and for brevity - he found himself.

But this didn’t come to a head until he pushed me past my breaking point. I felt unloved and abandoned. He had pulled back his love and I felt it. I said I wanted to talk. Being an active family with 4 kids - I asked him to set aside time the next night for us to talk. I thought we were going to talk through whatever was troubling our relationship, so we could work towards recovery. Instead, he blew up our relationship.

I should mention that we’re both of the opinion that you married once, and you married for life. But my world and my faith in our relationship has been completed upheaved and I don’t know how to deal or what to do. As I process this betrayal, I also question what his motives are. What is the end game for him disclosing g this to me?

I can’t deal with work, so I’ve called in sick the past two days. Today, I went and talked with my best friend. I’m hoping to be able to find a therapist to talk, and I told him that I would be open to talking to his therapist (which completely unknown to me he has been talking to for almost 4 months) as a couple.

I don’t know what I’m looking for on here. Maybe people sharing their similar experiences that relate to me? I know each situation is uniquely different and that we all have our own viewpoints and biases. But I’m reaching out because I feel lost, betrayed, sad, angry, scared, rejected, unloved.

What now?

Last edited by Shannon (December 4, 2025 1:03 am)