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1 of 1- ryder1416
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Now what...?
Hi all. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I'm sobbing, realizing I'm not alone for the first time in a very long time.
TLDR: I thought our sex problems were my fault. Then my husband had stability for the first time in his life and recognized he's not a cis-male. I couldn't take it. Offered divorce today. He said no, he'd rather pack everything up and never look at it again. Now what? I don't think it'll last...
Context... My husband and I have been together for 7 years. Married for 3. He was married before (10 years) and has a son (currently 10) from that marriage. My husband is 11 years older than I, but we met while getting advanced degrees and immediately hit it off. I was 23 when we met.
Our entire relationship, I'm realizing, has been a rollercoaster. Between big moves, changing careers, my own trauma from a really bad job situation and a very long battle with long COVID (10/10 do not recommend), his ex-wife not being able to provide the proper care for their AuDHD son (while fighting for sole custody in the same breath) forcing us to move again, nothing about our relationship has been "stable" other than what I thought was his love for me and my love for him.
Needless to say, through all of that, sex got lost in the mix. When we had our first "breakdown" of sexual contact, I was in the fight of my life in a job that was literally killing me while battling long COVID. To help "meet his needs", he began to play around with chastity cages (sorry if that's TMI) and other power-play dynamics. I tried to get into it for him. I tried to deliver what he wanted. But it never felt "authentic" and regularly left me feeling like I wasn't good enough or doing enough to meet his needs. This went on for a while. He even wore a cage on our wedding day, and I still get the ick from our wedding pictures on occasion. When I finally broke down and said he could do it himself, but I'm not a part of it anymore, he said "sure thing," and we shelved it.
Over the last 2-ish years, we've been doing couples counseling. This was mostly to help us improve our communication and hopefully to help me get into a better headspace involving sex. We finally reached a place of "normal" in the last 6-8 months, where nothing was actively on fire... I was ready to start getting into myself and getting comfortable with who I am now that I had more than a week of breathing room.
Nope.
My husband disclosed to me a few months ago that he isn't trans, but he definitely isn't cis-male. He thinks he lands on gender fluid, but he stated he's never been super comfortable with his masculinity and has been wearing women's underwear for a while. He's not attracted to men, but enjoys the "full" feeling of certain toys and the constriction of a bra. He wanted to start wearing more feminine clothing around the house and taking on a more "wifely" role. Our therapist encouraged him to try it out and to live his most authentic self. (Good time for me to mention this is probably the first time in my husband's life he has literally ever been stabilized.)
I couldn't do it. I felt so... gross? Like everything was a lie. He couldn't understand. "But I'm still the same man you married". Sure, he was still cooking and being the overwhelmingly caring, supportive person. But everything felt so off.
It came to a head today. I said I wanted out, couldn't do it. He's now stating he'd rather deny himself and be what "he's supposed to be" than lose me. I get the feeling this is going to just lead to resentment and more hurt... Now what?
- lily
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Re: Now what...?
The thing my mother said about my now ex is that he won't accept you but he won't let you go. How right she was, I knew it straight away, thank you for putting it like that so I can see what is happening - it helped so much.
Eventually I realised I was the only adult in the room - it would be all up to me to make the divorce happen.
your husband sounds transgender to me. Hopefully OOHC will see your post and reply. But I can say that just a simple gay in denial husband is bad enough in competing to be the better woman, it's horrid.
wishing you all the best, Lily
- freedmyself
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Re: Now what...?
Hi Ryder - you are most definitely not alone. Welcome, and I'm sorry you have to be here.
By the time my GXH came out to me, we'd had a sexual dry spell that had lasted so long I can't put a number on the years it lasted. At the time, I told myself that it was normal, we were middle aged, this happens to nearly every couple married for a long time, etc. Looking back, I think my body was turned off by him on a deep subconscious level.
So it's interesting to me that one of the purposes of your couples therapy has been to get YOU into a better headspace involving sex. Hmm.
Early in my straight spouse experience, I read something that said that what our LGBT spouse tells us is just the tip of the iceberg: "I'm not that into porn"; "He's just a friend", "I'm not actually on Grindr, I was just curious about what it is". It takes time, and distance, to really understand what they were keeping secret from us. That was certainly my experience.
He's either definitely NOT the same man you married, or he IS the same man you married and he's been deceiving you for a very long time. Either way, it looks like a zero sum situation - sure you can stay to make him "happy" - what does that do to/for you?
A note about therapy - please get your own individual therapist, different from your couples therapist. It's helpful to have someone who is centered on YOUR experience, and will help you re-focus your attention to your own feelings.
- Alex1984
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Re: Now what...?
I think on his side this shows intention and commitment to make this work no matter what, which is a very good start.
You are, however, probably correct, if he is the one doing all the compromising, he will eventually grow resentful.
If this is 100% black-and-white decision for you - then leave. If you want to stick around and hold your truth, while at the same time meeting him somewhere in the middle - it could be an interesting and enriching journey. Not an easy one for sure! It sounds like he wants to give you time and should be comfortable moving at your pace.
Basically, you are not choosing between maintaining or killing your relationship - you are choosing between an easier path and a harder one (or maybe they are both equally hard). Your relationship will not be the same regardless of what you choose.
Different situation, but I went through the same thinking process with my bi husband, decided to choose the harder path (for me it was staying) and don't regret it a single bit!
If you do choose the harder path, make sure you take care of yourself first. For me it was friends, therapy, and getting a post-nup.
Good luck, you got this!
- ryder1416
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Re: Now what...?
Thank you all for your comments. I have a few points of clarification that came out during a very long, tearful conversation last night.
First, I truly believe my husband disclosed to me as soon as he put the puzzle pieces together himself. The last few months have been the first time his life wasn't in active crisis since he was a very small child. He finally had an opportunity to look inward and focus on "what are these feelings," and concluded that he is probably non-binary if not trans. I don't think he was actively deceiving or being shifty; I think this revelation happening right now is born of the trauma and chaos he was born into that persisted well into adulthood.
That said, even from the jump, this was never an "outside of the home" situation. Between wanting to keep things consistent for my stepson, as well as the fact that we live in a conservative, rural area, and are active members of our church, being fully actualized outside the home was never an option for him. He was clear about that at the beginning of our conversations. Unfortunately, that just put tremendous weight on me to be accepting in the home I work and live in...
I truly believe my husband is a good human being. While I think he has made mistakes in communication in the past and will continue to do so occasionally (being human is hard), I don't believe he has ever been intentionally malicious. Maybe misguided in his way of caring and trying to express his own needs, but never mean-spirited. One thing that came out of this is that he has no sexual desire for anyone other than me. No matter how things looked going forward, he always maintained that.
There's going to be a lot of hard, painful, sh*tty conversations that are going to have to happen. Right now, I'm feeling hopeful that there is room for us both to exist and be real with each other. I think just finding validation here that this situation is really challenging for the spouse, and that my feelings were real, took a huge weight off my shoulders.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Now what...?
ryder1416 wrote:
......It came to a head today. I said I wanted out, couldn't do it. He's now stating he'd rather deny himself and be what "he's supposed to be" than lose me. I get the feeling this is going to just lead to resentment and more hurt... Now what?
In this instance the only person who can save you is you. The man you married is on his own journey but to soften all the difficult bits, the hard times when his alter-ego makes things difficult for you he needs somebody (you) to 'be there for him'...to believe he really wants to make it work, even if you end up resenting each other.
The decision to stay or go was the hardest I ever had to make, and I often have feelings of regret, loss and what-ifs but ultimately know if I hadn't made it then I would never have known how it felt to leave the r'ship.
That's the moment that you have to get to. You'll know when you reach it.
Elle
KIA KAHA