Stopping by to give an update on my situation and vent. I finally felt ready to talk to A about separating. I let her know I loved her but her disclosure had changed the way I viewed our relationship, that I was deeply unhappy and very lonely. A did not take it well. Said that I didn’t love him and was using this whole “thing” as a reason not to be with him. He did not understand how his revelation could change the way I feel because he was the same person he’d always been. I pointed out that he’d always been that person but I was only just clued into it a few years ago and have been grappling with it ever since.

She was devastated. I’m devastated. We’re both so sad and she doesn’t want me to leave, wants to do couples therapy. I’m just exhausted at this point. I thought speaking my truth and letting her know how I’m struggling would make me feel better, and for the briefest of seconds it did, but now I feel all the guilt and expectation weighing on me even more heavily. I agreed to therapy with the goal that an objective party could help her understand exactly how my feelings and views could have changed but I honestly just want to pack a bag and run at this point. I want to be alone and sort myself out. I’m so confused. I don’t know what my goals for myself are. I don’t know how to let go of the expectations that are put on me but I know aren’t mine to carry. I have the support of family and friends but the act of purposefully and permanently hurting A seems insurmountable right now and I don’t know how to convince myself of what I already know.

GlassWife,

I usually dont reply to the bi/trans threads as I have no experience with that.  I will say I found your shift in pronouns evident of your trauma and hurt... ..like which is your husband this week?

My goals when my GX was cheating on me and abusing me were simply to have a safe place for me and my kids.   I no longer felt physically safe around her.   So Im not sure you need any lofty goals to get away from the hurt.

In regards to hurting him...these spouses like to flip the cause of everything onto us.   This is not us leaving them..this is them rejecting us as we are..we are heterosexual. 

Definitely spend some time with yourself.to think about what you want and who you are.  Be kind to yourself..you did nothing wrong.


Wishing you strength and courage on your journey.

Dear Glass Wife,

     It sounds as if you were pressured into counseling you don't really want to attend.  And from what you've said about your partner's inability (or failure) to empathize with your feelings I predict that he will not readily be brought to understand even in therapy how your feelings could have changed.  I also predict that he will try to shift the focus of the therapy, so you will have to stay strong and keep directing the thrust of the therapy back to your stated purpose.  That's what you are there for; that's why you agreed to go.  Stick to that focus, and let's hpo the therapist backs you up.  It would be useful to develop some phrases ahead of time that you can repeat when needed, because it's easy to get overwhelmed in the moment.   

   I also think that therapy would be a great place for you to propose a plan for a separation, "I need to be alone to sort myself out and think about what my goals for myself are."  You can even soften that blow by saying you think your partner needs the same--he has a lot of sorting out to do about himself, and ultimately he is going to have to do this for himself and by himself. He can't rely on you to do it for him, or to run interference, or provide support, when what he wants and what you want are opposed. And you can't be expected to be permanently in "reactive" or "response" mode, to whatever current feeling he has about how he wants to present himself.   

   Once you take that time, you will have given yourself some breathing room.  I found that being away and out of the drama gave me the valuable gift of perspective.  One thing I hope you will then be able to see is that YOU are not "permanently hurting" A, but that HE has made some choices and acted in ways that have changed the dynamic of your relationship.  

Your goals in therapy, then, might be twofold: one, to explain to your partner in the presence of a third party how your feelings and views have changed; and two, to convey that you need time alone and away from your partner to be able to think clearly about what you want for your future.  I would suggest that it would be helpful for you, while you're apart, not to meet with him at home, or in a cafe, or to text/talk on the phone, because then you will be re-immersed into the same dynamic that is eating away at you now.  Instead, arrange with the therapist that you will all three meet again after a certain number of weeks.  

Good luck, and lean on those supportive friends and family members.