Hi freedmyself,

Thank you for your message. I’ve taken a look at NotMyCloset and reached out for support, I don’t have a finances for many sessions but at this stage I just need some support to help me who knows this area.

Seeking comfort from my partner or any basic kindness is proving to be extremely painful. I’ve explained to him that he has known this about himself for years and he has had no issues allowing me to love and care for him, financially support him and distance from people who are important in my life. I’m just empty.

He’s very assured that I’ll be just fine and move on, but I feel like my life has fallen apart and I don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other. How did you cope speaking with your partner?

I’m lucky I do have a friend who I can speak with, unfortunately they do not live close by and has their own family so as much as they have been wonderful I know I can’t solely rely on them.

I’m walking every morning just to try and stretch, I wake up and physically hurt in my chest when it all comes rushing to me and then I get really angry which is becoming really unhealthy.

I still love this man but I’m hurt by his betrayal and humiliation. I just can’t see any way through.

freedmyself wrote:

I think it's totally normal to want comfort from your partner even if he's also the person causing you pain.  It's wired into us to seek that connection, and it's not going to disappear overnight.  

It also takes some time to wrap your head around the fact that this all has been shifting for him for some time, and you are only just now finding out about it. 

What helped me in the early days was having one friend who could hear absolutely anything I wanted to talk about.  I also have a terrific therapist, and I saw her twice a week for the first couple of months after he came out.  I know therapy isn't always possible for everyone but she was a major factor in pulling myself back together.  I worked really hard to stay functional, and put self-care at the top of my list even when I didn't feel like doing any of it.

Please check out the websites and resources listed in the forum.  The Our Voices podcast is no longer producing new episodes but those shows are very well done.  Also I highly recommend NotMyCloset.com - she's an Australian therapist and straight spouse herself who has a lot of good resources on her website, and will meet with international clients for coaching on Zoom. If you need to talk to a pro who's seen all different versions of what we're going through,  just one session or two might help you get your footing.

Elle's idea about space is a great one - if you can go back where you lived before you moved, be in familiar territory, be around people who love you, that might give you a little bit of a break and a chance to breathe for a little while.