Quick update Everything is very quiet. We don't talk about his sexuality much at all. Like, I actually have to make an effort to recognise it from time to time. Basically, a token "was there anyone hot at the gym" sometimes yields a response "oh yeah, there was this guy", but women are mentioned more often than men. We watched a few LGBTQ movies together and they didn't trigger me at all, unless there was an unaware straight spouse (like in "Firebird" - that one triggered me big time!).

I don't think he watches porn. I don’t mind, I even encourage it, but I don't think there's currently any need.

We haven't had any "special" play (iykyk), I swear, since Christmas. And I offered! The answer is always: nah, too much admin, let's just do it the "regular" way this time.

After disclosure, I thought I would never be the same. I started looking at men differently. At first, everyone seemed gay, then I was jealous of every hot guy. My sexual fantasies changed and started to include gay male sex. It was really spooky, I didn't recognise myself. It's amazing how all of it now seems in the past. It feels like I'm back to my normal self, just a little more tolerant.

Not sure how long the "quiet" life will last (I'm not even sure I want it to last too long), but I'm enjoying it for now.

We are monogamous. 

If you are struggling, my heart goes out to you, but know that things do get better! Just make sure you take care of yourself, protect your mental (and physical) health and reach out if you need support!

Lostandconfused1234 wrote:

Thanks for the update Alex. I'm glad to hear things are still going well. To add to your post, my wife and I are still together and things are quiet. I can appreciate the mundane lifestyle.

Thank you! And I'm glad things are going great with you guys! There are so many other issues in life (kids never seem to grow up, do they?), you don't want to be distracted by other noise.

Alex1984 wrote:

A couple of months ago I met a guy at a conference.. I mean, I knew him for years, but this time sparks really flew. Pre-disclosure, I would have been totally oblivious to his interest, but things are different now. 

Since then, you can say we've had a full blown emotional affair - nothing physical, but lots of texting and phone calls, deep conversations and mutual admissions of strong feelings. Things have really picked up in the last month or so.

Because of the relationship dynamic with my husband, I technically have the permission to sleep with him, and, frankly, I would, but he doesn't want to enmesh himself in our complecated situation. Fair enough. The worst part is it only makes him more attractive in my eyes. 

While I have fallen hard.. really hard.. I still couldn't picture my life with him. I would have LOVED to have him as my boyfriend, spending weekends, going on trips, etc., but having him as my primary partner - my brain just doesn't compute it. On top of a million other challenges, he just doesn't feel safe. Exhilarating and exciting, but not safe.

So here it goes - an honest account of recent experiences. Has little to do with our MOM (or maybe it does) and I have no idea where it fits for now. Time will tell.

Prior to my husband's disclosure, I was happily nearing what felt like an "old lady" stage of life. My sex drive was declining, life was so steady and predictable, and most fantasies I had were about retiring early. I was complacent. Now, I am fitter, hotter, and interested in sex and romance again like I was in my 20s. I would have never in a million years thought I could feel that much for another person again. It is unsettling and inconvenient, but it also makes me feel so alive.

So for those struggling - there's absolutely, 100%, life on the other side!

In the meantime, I'm having to get over a completely different sort of heartache. Pain, so it seems, is an unavoidable part of human existence, but as the quote goes "pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice". I will be meditating a lot in the weeks to come to soothe this and I know it will eventually subside.

I appreciate the open and honest response. I fear that sometimes with these MOM stories people have unrealistic ideas about what they are and how they work. Everyone's experience is different.

I went down the emotional affair rollercoaster several years prior to disclosure. I learned a lot about myself and boundaries with people outside of my marriage. Limerence is one hell of a drug. Long story short we went to marriage counseling and I slowly decoupled from the AP and went all in on my marriage. That's part of the mind fuck when disclosure happened. We fought so hard for our marriage only to once again seemingly cast it aside. Then the feelings I had for other women re-manifested but this time I recognized them for what they were/are. When I spoke to my therapist about it they said that it's called integrity. I was willing to prioritize my marriage at a time when it seemed like my partner wasn't.

It has been through this process of figuring out our MOM that I realized that there needs to be not only boundaries outside of marriage, but ones inside of it as well. I committed to myself that I will not pursue relationships with others until I am completely divorced (just to clarify we're not divorcing). But as someone who understands where you are coming from, I'm not judging you for these feelings. We are human.

The bad news is that YOU are the only one who can decide what happens next😂.

Thank you again Alex

Thank you for posting Alex. Your honesty remains, as always, disarming. I have two (2) questions if I may: 

1. Under the rules of your MOM, does your husband also have a green light for similar emotional affairs?
2. What was his reaction to yours? 

Be well! 

On another note, my man has finally read Velvet Rage and is now telling all gay guys he knows they should read it. Have you read it?

Last edited by Alex1984 (November 20, 2025 2:55 am)