It's a LOT, what you're going through.  I'd like to add to your sentence, "The issue lies with the lack of acceptance for those outside of social norms."  The issue is also that betrayal trauma is real, and it's caused by having an intimate partner who should have been open about his sexuality.  You had a right to know, period, and he kept it from you.  It's a lot to work through. 

I still have questions about what parts of my marriage to my GXH were real.  It's quite a bit different, I think, when you have a marriage you're saving while also reconciling what he did to you.  It is really hard that the world celebrates the coming out without regard to the damage done. 

It's taking me a long time to heal, and I'm divorced from the GXH and don't have to see him very often. I imagine it will take a decent amount of time for you to settle in to the complexity of your marriage.  If you haven't already, it might be useful to write down your own list regarding what you're willing to accommodate, since he's gay, and where you would draw the line. 

It also might be helpful if you posted on the MOM board, since you'll be reaching the eyes of people who have also decided that there's enough good in the marriage to make it work. 

You are most definitely not alone! I hope you are taking good care of yourself - you matter, and so do your feelings and your own unique experience. 

Hello RL, 
So many of us, whether our stories are only similar or feel identical, have been where you are. Finding out you are in a mixed orientation relationship (MOR) can be quite a shock, no matter the circumstances of discovery. His coming-out timing sounds awful, but I will tell you from my experience that it seems like a prevalent thing. They are also stressed during these stressful times, and it sometimes pushes them into a bad headspace with blinders on, and they very often come out at the most inconvenient times.. Holidays, anniversaries, any other stressful time.. Lol. I am sorry that it worked out that way for you as well. It only adds to the complexity of the situation.

You are not alone. Whether our partners had an affair or simply came out to us.. the feelings and emotions we go through tend to be the same. The fears and feelings of never being enough, questioning everything we ever shared, questioning their motives for the future, wondering if staying together is possible.. We have all been there. I know it is easy to look back on everything with new lenses that cause a tinge of pain, but his coming out doesn't negate your lived experience or the love you shared.

You ask, "So why did he get into a relationship with me - another woman?" but you might have already answered it in some way when you said.. "his same sex attraction was never accepted growing up. He was made to feel ashamed and wrong, and endured some emotional and physical abuse. He grew up in a highly religious environment in the south where he claims to have felt like it wasn't safe for him to be gay/bisexual." From what little you have shared, your husband sounds like a loving, caring partner. That is not something everyone is lucky enough to have. Only you can know if what you share is worth preserving. 

Our partners have lived the lives they have for many different reasons, but when we look deeper, for most of them, it is really a lot of the same. Shame, fear, religion, conservative families, societal expectations... These are all heavy things that have shaped their psyche in ways that we as straight partners might never understand. Your feelings are valid. Your pain is real and recognized and shared by many here. But I urge you, try not to villainize him in all of this. We are all just fragile humans doing our best in this world until we learn more, and then we can do better. Some partners are just bad people who intentionally do bad things.. but many are not and did not embark on this journey with malice in their hearts. 

I can tell you that paving a new positive path forward is possible if that is what you want. If both partners are all in and dedicated to going forward with honesty, empathy, and compassion, success is possible. While his identity is important on that path, so is yours. You have a say in this, and your feelings matter. It is just a matter of finding the right support system and figuring it out together. ♥️

Please reach out if you would like. Or you can check out my website, MORandmore.org, which I created as a positive resource for folks in MORs. 

Last edited by CMaree23 (November 13, 2025 2:16 pm)

Hi RL,

Thank you for sharing your story. I can really relate to your experience and the loop of trauma and anger. I’m quite early on to finding out about my partner of 16 years being gay but the betrayal and feeling of being duped is a painful thing to experience and I can’t help but look at what I must havedone to this person to think I deserve this level of betrayal.

Being an open ally for the LGBT+ community has always meant I’ve been nothing but supportive about the struggles and support people deserve who are marginalised but I can’t control my deep hurt to being lied to and it just cuts deep especially when you make commitments and bonds.

I send you peace and love as you navigate this.