Hey guys - I made a post a few days ago and got alot of great information and support from y'all. I had to reset my account, so I'm hoping y'all will see this. Especially those of you who were kind enough to respond. 

Basically, My husband told me before we married that he is trans, but because of his size (hes 6'8") and because of his son he never ever wants to transition. He was super open and even offered for me to talk with his general therapist. I told him that I didn't have a problem at all with him being trans, but that I was exclusively attracted to men and so if transitioning was something that he truly wanted at some point, he needed to tell me because that wouldn't be fair to me after X years of marriage. 

To my knowledge, I do not believe that has changed. But, since our marriage, 4 years ago, here are the consistent behaviors I am dealing with:

1. RAGE. I never know what will set him off. Its like hes two people. One is caring and kind and funny and super loving. the other is volatile. unpredictable. I never know what will set him off or "who" I'm coming home to. He will scream and say horrible things and punch holes in the walls. This is continually blamed on me. because I "pushed him there". Sometimes, I will admit, when I've had enough I absolutely will say inflammatory things. (But no below the belt stuff. I am a divorce lawyer, so I am typically very aware of exactly what I say and why, and if I'm being rude - then it is because I intend to. I rarely just mouth-off)  But it isn't common for me to be rude. Usually his rage is because the fork was in the wrong drawer and so "nobody listens to him or cares what he thinks", or something similarly begnine.  Basically, his responses are  really really disproportionate to the offense on mot occasions. We have talked bout it and there are always promises that it will end -  and can't control it  - and hes ashamed of that. Of course, when he feels ashamed he ghosts me and "punishes himself" so, then it is redundant for me to get any apology or even get to be upset about it. (Lest I "push him there" again). Its manipulative. I'm not saying it isnt how he really feels, but it is manipulative just the same. 

2. SEX (sorry for the details here, but its a big part of what's going on) and if you'd rather not read this section, I understand LOL) ok, so, the sex between us has always been out of this world. It is still great, but has slowed SIGNIFICANTLY. At the beginning of our relationship he told me many times that he felt like there was too much emphasis on it and it was a problem that I wanted to do it alot. But, we still did, and he communicated that it was "the best of his life" (me too.....but).... I had never been as attracted to a man as I was to him and, honestly, I did want to alot. this was not typical for me as in my first marriage I had just learned to live without it because (well, because of alot of reasons that dont matter now) Moving forward. He has alot of rules about it has to be "organic" and I am not to ask because that ruins the mood. um. ok. more rules. So, I complied. We still were intimate alot so, no worries on that end. He then wanted me to penetrate him in a real dominant way. I agreed. He confided that it made him feel ashamed to ask - and he wanted to make sure I enjoyed it as well. It didnt bother me - but I noticed that it was a real big deal for him. and he has alot of dildos, etc. that I assume he uses on himself. So, it was just on my radar that it was the most enjoyable for him. I have asked him repeatedly if he was attracted to men. the answer is always no - he just wants to feel like a woman does, and thats the only way. He claims that he absolutely does not want to be with a man, I dont know if that is true, I was asked by another member in my last post if maybe the fact that the sex has diminished is why I'm here, because that was a big thing I was holding on to. the answer is, I don't know. Maybe, 

3. HORMONES so, I am menopausal and I take testosterone (it is great for women in menopause, BTW, really helps tremendously) My dr. told me that I dont need to take estrogen because the T kicks off estrogen, and it would be really bad for me to have too much estrogen because it could effect not only my health but mood swings, etc. I found out recently that my husband had completely stopped his T shots and is now injecting himself with estrogen. He has grown small breasts (which he LOOOVES) it has effected his muscle mass. He was never ripped or thin.....but he was still very manly. Which, as I've said, I was very attracted to. But now he just looks different (and I don't mean older or heavier). His shoulders slump. His butt is different. Just everything looks, well "off" I feel wretched saying this, but its the truth and in combination with all of the other things, it is effecting my attraction to him. 

4. PORN/OTHER WOMEN this one is tough. When we met I was real clear that I was looking for someone to be the man in my life. I wanted to be treated like a woman. I had spent too many years having to control everything and that's not what I wanted in my personal life. I wanted to be respected and cared for. I live in a world every day where I fight and I am the alpha in most rooms I walk into. I dont want that for my marriage. I want a partnership where I am afforded the treatment and respect of a wife. Well. a year or so ago I discovered a bunch of porn accounts he had. It was honestly by accident, but once I found it I went full PI on the deal. and there was so so so much. He lied about it twice. First saying that it was just a few times and it was for my benefit (long uninteresting story). Second that it was all because he was trans and wanted to look at women but I was "the only one" he was attracted to, Needless to say I had trouble swallowing that. The third was finally an admission (although still clinging to the excuses) that it had been a big problem for alot of his life and, yes, sometimes the cycle of porn resulted in him looking at it as often as most people check Facebook. And some was pretty raunchy. He claims it has stopped. but I'm not permitted access to anything so I kind of doubt it.  Also, there is an ongoing problem (also related to trans he says) about his staring at other women. like. uncomfortable staring, He will literally stop talking to me because hes staring at a woman. He says this is common for dysphoria and its not about sex or attraction. I point out, that he is, in fact, attracted to women so how am I to know the difference? I have finally just let this one go as I see him actively fighting the urge to stare at every woman he sees. 

5. SECRECY Since as long as I've know him hes been real secretive. Let me say, I do NOT believe he is cheating on me, I honestly dont. But there is 100% things he hides from me. More porn? Maybe, People he talks to? Maybe, Where he goes? Maybe. I dont know but the trust has been really broken since I learned about the porn. to be honest, the porn thing hurt me real bad. 

So. There it is, there have also been lots and lots of good times, Wonderful times. But there's just so much of this other behaviors and the fact that I never ever know when it will pop up. In front of the kids. Or my family. Or my friends. Almost none of my family/friends like him because they see how rude he is to me and they dont like it. My brother has seen him explode and has told me that if I dont leave I am a bad mother. (Lemme tell you how bad that stung) My son loves his step dad and while he doesnt know hes trans,  hes told me he doesnt want to leave. My step-son was raised with this insanity. So, it seems to not effect him much, But, I have told my husband that it doesnt matter. they are LEARNING how to behave. That part has gotten much much better and my husband has for the last couple of years not lost it in front of them. thats not an excuse, just where we are. 

I just dont know if this cycle of abusive/destructive behavior will ever change. Because if this is just my life, well. It isnt good enough. And if it IS me, I need to know. and. the biggest problem is this: I genuinely love this man. Deep in my soul. 

Sorry for the NOVEL. (Especially if you already read a version of it once) But, I need you guys, I need to know I'm not crazy. I need to know what in the hell to do. Also, thank you to all of you that responded to my last post. the answers to ll of your questions are: yes sex was important and it may have been a part of why I have put up with so much; I dont think hes gay....but I have no way of really knowing what hes hiding; and yeah. I am a divorce lawyer and I know exactly how to bail and what to do, and I'm on the brink of filing. This is my Hail Mary,. 


PS my grammar and spelling and typing is horrible, so apologies in advance.

Last edited by Cat'scloset (November 12, 2025 5:55 pm)