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1 of 1- InsertCleverName729
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Everything has changes, but Nothing has changed
In September, my spouse of 6 years (together for 10) told me they are transgender (MtF). Over the years, this is something I feared. They told me when we were dating that they cross-dressed, but it was only sexual (and only panties at the time). I didn't care, as long as it was just clothing and not gender. They promised.
Flash forward many years and they have upgraded from panties to fake breasts, wig, makeup, growing out hair, the whole 9 yards. Then they told me. We're trying to move forward together.
We're both in therapy (them for a while now, me because of this), and I'm working on "grieving the marriage I thought I would have". I tried to explain this to my spouse. While they are loving and supportive (not rushing me or being irritated when I cry), they don't get this. To them, they're still them, so what has really changed about the marriage?
I don't know how to explain it to them. It feels like everything is different. But it's really not. Not yet. We go to a doctor in January to begin the medical process.
Tldr; How do I explain to my MtF spouse that it feels like our entire marriage has changed?
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Everything has changes, but Nothing has changed
From all the accounts I've read about men transitioning he will only want to see himself as important. Apparently after years of hiding their true selves then finally opening up and being "their authentic selves"
(gag) they find it easy to prioritize themselves.
What you have to do is decide what you want your life to look like, what boundaries you need to keep yourself safe and sane.
Do you have people to talk to about this who will keep your confidence?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: Everything has changes, but Nothing has changed
So what's really changed about the marriage? Nothing - except that you are more informed about the person you have married.
I feel annoyed at a therapist who tells you to 'grieve the marriage you had' - it's enabling of the manipulation and deception you have been subjected to. It is now becoming clear you never had the marriage you thought you had.
Ask yourself this - if my husband was honest and cared about me he would ....(not have married me in the first place)
My ex has a charm about him that is his juju. Not just me, everyone thinks he's so nice, even children. One day I sat down and sifted through my memories and could not find one instance where he had put himself out to help someone else.
Last edited by lily (November 11, 2025 3:47 pm)
- freedmyself
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Re: Everything has changes, but Nothing has changed
I want to respect that you wrote that you're "trying to move forward together".
And
From your post, seems to me that in fact everything IS different. You married a man who liked to wear panties, and now you're going to be married to a woman.
That's about as different as it gets.