My ex is a trans-identifying male who when he told me he was "a woman in a man's body" wanted to have his testicles removed, take female hormones, and transition.  This was his position for a very short time; he began walking it back as he realized what the reality (as opposed to the fantasy) would be like.  About the time I left him, he told me that he wished he'd "never told anyone" (he had told three people: me, his sister, and a former student with whom he'd been experimenting for years in secret).  

When my then-husband moved from transition to "only at home" he told me he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't change his mind about taking steps to feminize himself in the future.  I said then that we needed to communicate with one another, as I needed to know what he was thinking and deciding in order to make informed choices about my life and whether I would stay or divorce him (I had already told him I did not want to be married to a transwoman, as I didn't want everything in my life to be about "all things trans"). Living in that state of uncertainty of what he might decide to do, wondering when or if the other shoe would drop, so to speak, was psychologically destabilizing.  It's no wonder you have dissociated under the circumstances you describe.

As my then-husband retreated from his "I'm transitioning" stance, he got less and less communicative, despite his agreeing he needed to keep me informed of what his thorughts and plans about himself were.  That statement of his that he wished he'd never told anyone made me realize that he would have been fine with deceiving me for the rest of my life, despite the effects of suppressing his urges on our relationship.  I was flabbergasted that he had been willing to sacrifice me to his closet, and that he was still willing to sacrifice me. 

It's been severn years since I left him, and he's still closeted.  His current partner (a woman) knows about his feelings, although I know that he told her a minimized and sanitized version, and said that "it was a phase and he doesn't need that now."  Given that "the phase" I was privy to lasted eight years, and that after he disclosed he described his feelings as going back to childhood, I have no doubt he continues to wrestle with his trans demon. 

I think you have hit the nail on the head with your realization that it's not his orientation so much as the gaslighting, denial, and mixed signals.  It does sound as if he is not able to be open to himself because of his internalized homophobia, and he will do what it takes to avoid confronting it, including those behaviors that are so confrounding to you.  That is the fact that will, I'm sure, be central to your decision-making.

Unfortunately for us, the partners, once the cat's out of the bag, we can't pretend it's still in there.  All we can do is pay attention to how they deal with themselves and us, and make our decisions accordingly.  I'd been married to my then-husband for thirty-six years when I divorced him (thirty-five when I left).  I'd been in love with him longer than that.  Once I decided to leave and divorce, something that helped me relinquish that love was thatI read somewhere that sometimes what you love is not good for you and can be actively bad for you, and I knew that living in that atmosphere of secrecy, witiholding. blame-shifting, and a refusal to communicate was very bad for me.  

I feel for you.  All the best as you make your decision. 

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 5, 2025 1:26 pm)

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Unfortunately for us, the partners, once the cat's out of the bag, we can't pretend it's still in there.  All we can do is pay attention to how they deal with themselves and us, and make our decisions accordingly.
 

Spot on! Thank you for your kind words and I am sorry for what you have experienced as well. This is such a difficult thing to navigate. I've only ever tried to be empathetic and supportive, but it's been at the expense of my mental health. I know I need to start looking out for myself more moving forward.