Please take care of yourself by getting yourself tested for STIs.  Your husband has been hooking up with gay men for  years.  

I'd also recommend Chump Lady (google her).  She runs a blog for those who have been cheated on, and her mantra is "Leave a cheater, gain a life."  

 

Denial 33 wrote:

So, is there any hope for our marriage? Can he be faithful to me/any woman?

Thank you in advance for advice and support. I’m devastated, humiliated and incredibly angry.

Faithful to you is all that matters. It sounds like he wants his cake and icecream at the expense of your vows, happiness and needs. He knows exactly what he wants and has been pursuing it for years. Keep reading stories on this forum. You will see that the behaviors are very similar. Please pay attention to the outcomes and determine how many more years your willing to give. Wishing you the best!

Denial33,

Ive never been in your situation in that my GX did not want to married to me..developed a malevolent hatred of me..was all consumed with he gay lover.

When she was cheating I often fantasized about what she could do to fix the marriage.   She would have to cease contact with her girlfriend, give me access to her phone.   I then realized this was something she could never do.

  More so, even more so, I would be forever distrustful and in "snooping mode".  Is she meeting a friend to go shopping or is it a date?   Why should I have to wonder. It was that anxiety that made me  physically shake. 
  What proofs could she give that she wouldn't do exactly what she hid for so long.  Would she die for me? (No no she would not).

So sorry.. I dont envy you..no idea if the marriage can be saved.. for me it was no possible way.


BTW..Im doing great now and thank God everyday for getting me away from not just the gay but the diabolical abuse


Wishing you strength and wisdom.

Last edited by Rob (October 3, 2025 12:20 pm)

 Hi Denial. 
I read with tears. I am going through a very similar situation. I have been with my husband for 25 years married for 23. I am his second wife. His first wife cheated on him. He was devoted to the idea of marriage forever and even brought me back into the church. He is catholic and we compromised on a protestant marriage and to baptize/bringing up our daughters. We were very passionate and loving. This changed when he lost his job 10 years into the marriage. He went into a depression and never really recovered both mentally and employment wise. He avoided friends  believe out of embarrassment of not being in the same league of employment and the wife being the breadwinner.  The passion diminished and he began rejecting me. I felt it was because I gained weight and I was no longer attractive to him. My energy went into my girls and I accepted this.  In the last two years he started to change more. He lost another job and slipped deeper into depression and let himself go. Drinking Daily and not exercising, gained weight. He was constantly sitting alone in a room on his phone and scrolling. Yep turned out to be porn and then dating sites. The other side is our youngest daughter is neurodiverse and my husband and I were never on the same page dealing with her outbursts we were constantly bickering. He gave in to all her wants and I fought to set boundaries. We tried family therapy and it ended up with us going alone to the therapist. November 2024 he said he was joining a group a work for a poker game.  I thought this is good - he is socializing!  Then came meeting a friend from the poker game and this continued into the new year. I did not think anything unusual. until my daughter and him would be gone all day and sometimes into the evening leaving me at home alone. At this time our relationship was strained with the fighting over our daughter and her needs. I was never invited.  Then my daughter would come home with gifts and toys from arcades and I  asked where it came from and she said "dads friend."  I then intervened and said this is not good for her to be spoiled by this person. My husband even came with new things - a watch and shoes.  I later found out my daughter would be out with this "friend" on her own and I was very concerned and my husband defended him. My other daughter came home from university for two weeks and also questioned the amount of time Dad and her sister where with this guy (she too was not invited). I then started putting two and two together and confronted him about the relationship and he denied it.  I then requested we go to therapy together and we started to reconcile. However, he continued to see this guy regularly claiming he was a friend. The last straw was when he slipped out one morning on a holiday we were to spend as a family and did not come back for four hours and would not answer his phone. i confronted him again and he said he admitted to the relationship and that he has always been bisexual.  He says it was the first time and he was only pursuing a friendship with this person as someone to talk to about his sexuality.  He said it was not sexual until the last two months and he needed to figure this out before he died. \he says he has been fighting thsi for 40 years (he is 64) that it is not normal and his family would never accept it etc... He then promised me he has broken off their relationship and he was committed to saving our marriage. This was 3 months ago we have had a couple if intimate moments only. But he is now saying he is gay then back to bi. He continues to flip flop. He admits this was an "affair" but he will not take responsibility that it was infidelity as it was with a man and he was experimenting trying to find out who he was. He is not being sensitive to my feelings. The last two weeks have been turmoil as I found out my daughter has still been communicating with "his friend" and I told him she is still minor and as her mother I will not allow it. The last 8 months her hatred towards me has grown to the point is violent with me. I know my husband and his :"friend" have bad mouthed me to her and I deep down think there was intent for them to be a family without me. This friend was winning her over with gifts. I do believe she blames me for the sudden break off of the weekend fun time and gifts. i also know my husband has under minded me and said Mom does not like him and won't let us see him. He also had this friend  in my home when I was not there, making me think he was a friend. I only met him twice. My husband even took him to my family's cottage when I was not there. The next betrayal was last week when my vindictive daughter in one of her rages told me Dad was still talking to him. I demanded to see his phone and there were a number of calls on his call records. He said he had not talked to him in over two months but he does not have any friends and this is his only friend and he still wants to be his friend. Bullshit you have been lying to be all this time you can't be friends with someone you were intimate with. Again he feels it is not the same thing as if it was a woman. He said he told him he was no longer wanted a sexual relationship with him and to get on with his life. I told him as much as I hate the guy - you are being misleading by staying in contact.  He wants to stay married and live the rest of our lives with this secret. He does not like what he is and does not want to be part of the lifestyle. However, he suggested an open marriage - which I outright said never. He has no right to keep me in a passionless marriage and to keep his secret and go out and have his fun. We also need to be focused on our daughter and her needs and what he has done the last eight months to screw her up even more. Not him out there leading a double life.  She is very confused girl now. Thanks for the vent!!