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1 of 1- Denial 33
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Is it possible to stay married?
I originally posted my story below on the “support” thread but thought it would also be beneficial to post to this thread as well. I am looking for advice whether my marriage has a hope of being saved.
My story:
My husband of more than 30 years was recently arrested for sexual battery of a male undercover officer, as he was cruising in a park well known for such activities. He “touched” the officers groin, by the way. The park isn’t in our hometown, thankfully.
I bonded him out of jail 2 days later. It was only after this incident that he admitted to being bisexual. I actually don’t believe he’s bisexual, as I think he’s gay. I base my opinion on him telling me a few years into the marriage that he experimented once with a man prior to us dating. He also told me (about 25 years ago) that a male customer kept flirting with him at work and that he enjoyed the attention but he wasn’t “gay”. About 4 years ago I walked into our home and found him watching gay porn on his phone. He said it was a virus and he was trying to delete it when I walked in. Our sex like has been almost non existent for 5 years. There have been less obvious instances over the years that I’ve “questioned” but had no proof.
He says he’s bisexual, is attracted to me,and wants to continue to be married to me. Since the arrest, he’s admitted to regularly watching gay porn for the last 3-4 years, having multiple random park hook ups over the past 20 years and that he’s been more attracted to men more than me the last 10 years.
I feel he’s in denial that he’s actually gay and only wants to be married for the benefits I provide (money, connection to our kids, how it will appear to family/friends). We are both in individual therapy but he wants us to go to couples counseling. I am willing to try but I feel it hopeless at this point and I need to move on and file for divorce (we have been separated since his arrest-my demand).
So, is there any hope for our marriage? Can he be faithful to me/any woman?
Thank you in advance for advice and support. I’m devastated, humiliated and incredibly angry.
Edit to add: both my family and his family are aware of his arrest. They also know he is claiming to be bisexual.
Last edited by Denial 33 (September 21, 2025 4:14 pm)
- lily
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Re: Is it possible to stay married?
Hi,
My personal feeling is that there is a lot of similar feelings to my own story though they are different in that I never caught him doing anything, he admitted to being bisexual for two weeks whenI asked bhim but then denied it saying he was 100% straight whereas subsequently I have found out he was sleeping with men before he even met me and continued to do so all along.
So my response to your story is to give you a round of applause for gaining separation - that's a great start for the slog coming to achieve a divorce.
The observation I have to make is that it's often the case that a closeted individual loves their closet more even than money.
And in answer to your question - well I guess I've already given it. So I can offer a virtual hug and can say it's a while. now since I separated and divorced - a process which took about 18 months, and I am grateful to the people who helped and very much to myself for getting away from him. we were together for 37 years before I worked out he was gay in denial and by that stage I think he was starting to go a bit emotionally toxic, not necessarily towards me, just in himself. Anyway life has been 100% better and I can wish I'd got away earlier but really I'm just glad I got away when I did.
- Denial 33
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Re: Is it possible to stay married?
In reading comments to my posts on a couple of this site’s threads (Support thread and this thread), the general consensus is that my marriage has little hope of working long term.
This is a devastating reality that I’m trying to come to terms with. I’ve told him twice in the last 2 weeks that I want a divorce but then the next day, each time, I walk back that statement and tell him I’m willing to continue to work on the marriage.
I refuse to have an open marriage and he states he doesn’t want one either. I just know I can’t go through this again.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Is it possible to stay married?
Denial 33 wrote:
I refuse to have an open marriage and he states he doesn’t want one either. I just know I can’t go through this again.
You'll stay with him until it's time to not be there anymore. You won't know how long that is because your history together will hold you back. You'll be pulled back by your loyalty of the marriage you believed in.
There may come a day though when you know you can't do it anymore. You'll be definite in your decision and you will know it's the end.
Edited to add... you don't have to stop loving him to leave, you have to leave to find and love yourself
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (October 2, 2025 3:51 am)
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: Is it possible to stay married?
I have a suggestion to make - the next time you say you want a divorce, see if you can then just take a step back and watch how he responds. Does he respond by encouraging you to tell him why you feel that way, or is he telling you why you need to stay (for him).
I had no idea how much my ex was manipulating me until I took a step back from being immediately responsive.
Once I saw it, it made all the difference, both in how I felt about it and in taking the next steps toward a divorce.
The way I see it, there's an underlying emotional field, physical almost - feeling the floor that is hidden but there underneath the carpet of lies.
I was with my ex from a young age and did not leave until I realised how stinky it was getting to feel down there, he would complain to our friends that I didn't ever kiss him so I did, He was sitting in the armchair so I bent down and kissed his cheek and just the feeling of his skin on my lips was acrid.
Both me and the cat decided it was more than time to move away.