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September 16, 2025 1:15 pm  #1


My Wife is Gay but Still Attracted to ME

So I’m a straight man and my wife, who I had long previously thought to be bisexual seems to be more of a lesbian. She feels strong romantic and emotional attraction to me and we have amazing sex that we both really enjoy.

We’ve done well navigating the bisexual thing over the years. I’ve given her full permission to explore women sexually in a purely physical manner. She has not been able to capitalize on this yet because of the paradox of only wanting to hook up with someone she knows and trusts, but not someone she’s looking to form romantic or emotional attachment to outside of a regular friendship with sex added.  She came pretty close to getting this recently. Though it didn’t pan out she has had a bit of an epiphany that she has never been truly sexually attracted to men at large.
She is attracted to me specifically but what is lacking is that carnal desire for sex you get just by looking at someone. When she gets in the mood it’s more so because I maybe am dressed nice, said something sweet that made her feel good, or did something nice for her.
I’ve long struggled with this inkling that she has no real desire for my body in a purely physical sense, but has sex for the sake of a more profoundly deep satisfaction as two people that love one another.

So what I’d like to ask is:

Has anyone else been in this very specific situation where you aren’t in a dead bedroom but your wife is also a near fully blown lesbian? How did you navigate it? Does any of this really matter at the end of the day if we both love each other and are happy? Should I be more worried?

Edit:
My verbiage has caused a lot of confusion and I don’t think any of the replies thus far are really grasping what I was trying to convey. I’ve also had a lot of discussion with my wife over the last few days and a lot has been clarified that I don't really need to ask anyone here about. Apologies for the lingering posts below that don’t seem coherent with the post in its current state. My wife and I are already in a better spot and, while I’m open to advice, our relationship is in no real danger. I considered deleting this post but want to leave it up as it feels like 99% of anecdotes I read about this type of situation (there are little to none that fit exactly) are littered with so much resentment and negativity. I hope this post finds someone wondering if love can transcend sexual orientation. It can. Not for many, but at least for a lucky few.

Last edited by Ilovemygaywife (September 17, 2025 1:08 pm)

 

September 16, 2025 8:36 pm  #2


Re: My Wife is Gay but Still Attracted to ME

Welcome ILMGW,
I've never heard the term Biromantic. It sounds simply another term to define a person that isn't straight...which is what you are. You can go down all the rabbit holes and read up on all the differing sexualities out there but if you concentrate on changing the way you are to accommodate her...in my opinion, and experience, you just lose yourself.

My former partner was a young virgin when I met him. Young AND bisexual... But I didn't find that out till 20 years in.
If non-straight is there, even when it's under the surface, it'll always be there.

Go find yourself a STRAIGHT lover and learn about the difference.

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 16, 2025 8:48 pm  #3


Re: My Wife is Gay but Still Attracted to ME

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Welcome ILMGW,
I've never heard the term Biromantic. It sounds simply another term to define a person that isn't straight...which is what you are. You can go down all the rabbit holes and read up on all the differing sexualities out there but if you concentrate on changing the way you are to accommodate her...in my opinion, and experience, you just lose yourself.

My former partner was a young virgin when I met him. Young AND bisexual... But I didn't find that out till 20 years in.

If non-straight is there, even when it's under the surface, it'll always be there.

Go find yourself a STRAIGHT lover and learn about the difference.

Elle

I’m not really looking to find another lover. And I only use this niche label to point out the fact that she’s still romantically attracted to me. The only thing I feel like I’m missing out on is experiencing being lusted after, for lack of a better term. No matter how I look, she’s never going to be turned on by how i look physically. We have good sex and she views it as special and intimate. She just isn’t scratching the more carnal satisfaction that we believe she could only get from a woman. The easy solution to that as to let her have sex with a woman, but I don’t know about me. This is the only person I’ve ever had sex with so I have no idea what I’m missing out on, if anything.

I have zero issues with her being bisexual and am fully supportive of her exploring that. It’s just this lack of sexual physical attraction to me/men is a suspicion I’ve had that was only just recently confirmed. I don’t know what I’m really even asking here. Is this even a big deal? What we have is truly special and I don’t want to complicate things, so is the desire to feel sexually desire just this superfluous thing that I’ve put on a pedestal?

     Thread Starter
 

September 17, 2025 2:10 am  #4


Re: My Wife is Gay but Still Attracted to ME

Hi,

I question this idea of romantic love not including sexual attraction - isn't that the definition of romance - where you are in love with the person you feel physically attracted to and it is reciprocated.

 oh and don't we all feel we have a special relationship.  

I'm sorry but it sounds like she already has a girlfriend and my suggestion is that you reach out and find family and friends that you can talk with confidentially.  Whatever the future holds, your feet on the ground.

wishing you all the best, look after yourself well.

oh yes romantic sexual fulfilment matters an awful lot, it just does.  It's like food, that matters an awful lot too.  Then there's sleep, omgoodness that matters too but not quite in the same league.

Last edited by lily (September 17, 2025 2:25 am)

 

September 17, 2025 2:52 am  #5


Re: My Wife is Gay but Still Attracted to ME

Ilovemygaywife wrote:

I have zero issues with her being bisexual and am fully supportive of her exploring that. It’s just this lack of sexual physical attraction to me/men is a suspicion I’ve had that was only just recently confirmed....

Well.... If you look at sexuality as this all encompassing  big thing...HERE... but you've now been told that you take up only a tiny corner of it ie; the rest is for women...how does that make you feel?

I can remember the "carnal spark" of intimacy A and I had. But being told he needed something more than me ended up wearing me down till I decided enough was enough.

E
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 17, 2025 11:06 am  #6


Re: My Wife is Gay but Still Attracted to ME

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Ilovemygaywife wrote:

I have zero issues with her being bisexual and am fully supportive of her exploring that. It’s just this lack of sexual physical attraction to me/men is a suspicion I’ve had that was only just recently confirmed....

Well.... If you look at sexuality as this all encompassing  big thing...HERE... but you've now been told that you take up only a tiny corner of it ie; the rest is for women...how does that make you feel?

I can remember the "carnal spark" of intimacy A and I had. But being told he needed something more than me ended up wearing me down till I decided enough was enough.

E
 

We’ve discussed a ton since I’ve posted initially. I think she feels more kinds of attraction to me than she could for anyone else. Emotional, aesthetic, sensual, spiritual, etc. She just doesn’t feel impulsive attraction to other men in a sexual sense. She can appreciate the way a man looks and behaves, but isn’t ever going to catch herself having sexual fantasies about anyone except for women. She also believes herself to not be romantically compatible with most women, so maybe biromatic isn’t even the right word here. I think beginning to think this isn’t as scary of a revelation as I’d thought. I think it boils down to that I’ve somehow gotten a lesbian to fall in love with me. She loves having sex with me. We spend all of our free time together and cherish every minute of it. We raise kids together and we’re great as a team. She feels like she isn’t technically “bisexual” anymore but people are more nuanced than any amount of silly labels we can think up. Words have changed but feelings haven’t. The only thing to change is she doesn’t have to pretend to be  superficially lusting after my body, and I no longer have to feel personally hurt about it because I know it isn’t because something wrong with me. I’m nothing worth writing home about, even for straight women, so it’s kind of positive in a way

     Thread Starter
 

September 17, 2025 12:41 pm  #7


Re: My Wife is Gay but Still Attracted to ME

Ilovemygaywife wrote:

.....
Words have changed but feelings haven’t. The only thing to change is she doesn’t have to pretend to be  superficially lusting after my body, and I no longer have to feel personally hurt about it because I know it isn’t because something wrong with me. I’m nothing worth writing home about, even for straight women, so it’s kind of positive in a way

Well I just see that as sad. That you have to accept the change in your r'ship. Relationship  dynamics change for many reasons. Death, divorce, injury, circumstance.... but I think a change in sexuality hits the straightspouse the hardest because often up to the discovery/admission of it the spouse has been happy and unaware.

I think...no, I know....as long as you keep discussing this you will get through it and discover more about yourself, boundaries and expectations.

E
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 17, 2025 1:17 pm  #8


Re: My Wife is Gay but Still Attracted to ME

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Ilovemygaywife wrote:

.....
Words have changed but feelings haven’t. The only thing to change is she doesn’t have to pretend to be  superficially lusting after my body, and I no longer have to feel personally hurt about it because I know it isn’t because something wrong with me. I’m nothing worth writing home about, even for straight women, so it’s kind of positive in a way

Well I just see that as sad. That you have to accept the change in your r'ship. Relationship  dynamics change for many reasons. Death, divorce, injury, circumstance.... but I think a change in sexuality hits the straightspouse the hardest because often up to the discovery/admission of it the spouse has been happy and unaware.

I think...no, I know....as long as you keep discussing this you will get through it and discover more about yourself, boundaries and expectations.

E
 

Thanks for this. Fortunately the only thing someone is missing here that she hasn’t found someone for her to have the female experience with and we have been happily settled on that topic for years with nothing but love and trust.

     Thread Starter
 

September 30, 2025 6:25 am  #9


Re: My Wife is Gay but Still Attracted to ME

Hi Ilovemygaywife

My wife is lesbian and we're married for 40 years now. Halfway our marriage she discovered her sexual orientation, so it hit us midship. It was hard to get to grips with it, our sexual relation was complicated. Eventually we overcame the shock and found a possitive way forward. After that it's a lot like what you describe, a strong loving relation and fulfilling sex for both of us. We always have been, and still are, monogamous. We're very certain we won't change that. 

Your permission to allow your wife to "explore women sexually in a purely physical manner", could put it all at risk. In my opinion having sex is seldom purely physical, for women more so than for men. Add sexual orientation to the mix and it becomes more impactful. Even if it has no direct emotional/romantic consequenses, it could potentially cast a lasting shadow on the sexual relation you have with your wife. I'd be very careful with these things, it's playing with fire.

My wife totally accepts her sexual orientation, there's no reason to explore something. What is there to proof? That she will like it? Probably so. 
And then? Will she enjoy sex with me better? Or will I feel more confident to be enough? I doubt it. 
Sexual pleasure is important but it's not at the top of the priority list of our marriage relation. The same goes for me: I can imagine quite a lot what I potentially could explore, but I don't need to have it all to be happy and content. The strive for "Having it all" often results in having nothing.

I’ve long struggled with this inkling that she has no real desire for my body in a purely physical sense, but has sex for the sake of a more profoundly deep satisfaction as two people that love one another.

I can relate to that, there is a difference in sexual response from what I would expect from a straight woman. It's indeed less about direct/visual physical appreciation, instead it stems more from the love/emotional connection. That's actually not a bad thing! But it can feel like something is missing you would like to experience. But when I evaluated my own feelings about this, it's actually not a problem. Being a man is more about what he does and what he gives. A woman is more about what she is (beauty) and her welcoming what she receives. (In that sense it's also a reflection of the biological function and difference between man and woman). When I considered this, there actually is no lack or missing something in that regard. It all comes beautifully together, lesbian or not.

The main thing is that she opens her emotional door and lovingly welcomes her husband emotionally and sexually into her feelings. And this is precisely the main thing I want to experience being a man (next to appreciating the beauty of a womans body). She wants to receive and I want to give. She desires me and I desire her.

She is attracted to me specifically but what is lacking is that carnal desire for sex you get just by looking at someone. When she gets in the mood it’s more so because I maybe am dressed nice, said something sweet that made her feel good, or did something nice for her.

That maybe related to sexual orientation, I suspect that too. But there are many other factors that play a role, it changes with age, duration of the relation, personal temperament and probably more things. However, I do understand what you mean, but I don't know what to think of it exactly. How would it compare to the situation where I was married for 40 years with a straight woman?

However, some years ago we incorporated watching lesbian porn together (not too much and only incidently) into our sexlife. For us that meant to enjoy a bit of both worlds in a safe manner. That certainly stimulated "carnal desires" in her (and the both of us), it ticked the box for me in that regard. Actually I need to experience that aspect more than my wife (maybe because she gets that automatically from me anyway). And next to that: a lesbian wife opens up many exciting fantasy options. Mind you, in fantasy world everything works out fine, and there it should stay. 

It was obvious to us that watching porn shouldn't become a too regular part of making love, because then it could overgrow the intimate and deeper aspect of having sex. Those "carnal desires" are okay, but it's like alcohol: use it in moderation.
How watching porn works out is of course a personal thing, it worked for us, but for others it might be a bad choice. We never had any actual sexual experience except in our marriage, so it never recalled unwanted memories or longings. We're firmly monogamous, so it doesn't trigger any desire to seek fulfilment outside our relation. I share it with you to consider for yourself, for it maybe a much better/saver alternative than actual physical exploring.

Dutchman.

Last edited by Dutchman (September 30, 2025 6:36 am)

 

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