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1 of 1- Lauren709
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looking for advice on takking to teenagers
My husband and I have been together for 18 years and built what I thought was the picture-perfect marriage. We have two beautiful girls who are the love of our lives, and we also run a very successful business together.
The past year has been rough—he’s been distant, not looking at me, ignoring me, and no intimacy. I blamed work and brought it up with him many times, but nothing changed. After spiraling emotionally, the truth finally came out: he has been sleeping with men for the past year.
I can’t say I’m totally shocked—part of me had suspicions—but I never thought it would get to this point. There is no world where I would be comfortable in an open relationship. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and if I’m not happy, my kids aren’t happy. And right now, what is gutting me most is the thought of telling my girls. They are 12 and 15, and we’ve lived a very charmed life. From the outside, we look like the dream family—we even just spent an amazing week in London two weeks ago. Financially, we’re stable, and we’ve never shown signs of trouble.
We’re a liberal family, with many gay friends and relatives, but this feels very different. I’m not ready to hang a pride flag on the situation. Strangely, I don’t feel anger yet—just deep sadness. I’m sure the anger will come, but right now I’m trying to grieve, process, and figure out what’s best for my kids.
I’ve already spoken to a couple of therapists, and I’ve been told that the truth without too many details—is the best path forward and the only plan for my girls . But I can’t imagine my girls’ reactions, or what they’ll think.
Has anyone here had to tell teenagers something like this? Any advice on how to soften the blow and support them through it?
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: looking for advice on takking to teenagers
Mine weren't teenagers, early twenties, but I don't believe it has anything to do with age, I think it's all about the r'ship between child and parent. Any news like this should be given in an age-appropriate manner anyway.
Tell me...do your girls use social media? Do they have a close group of friends. Today's teenagers are more aware of the world than parents think. They simply don't often have the skills to verbalise and express how they feel about it.
And there's no way to soften this news. Be there for your girls, be there for every question they ask. Let them see your vulnerability. We keep the private, intimate parts of our parenthood away from our children because it's not relevant, but in the case of a father coming out the news will change the family dynamic. And that is relevant.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Rob
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Re: looking for advice on takking to teenagers
Im the minority here and let my kids figure it out for themselves.. I cant say I reccomend it.
Theyre older now.
Some are doing ok now..some not so much.
I dont think they will ever know how much their mother hurt me. None get along thay great with her though..she hasn't changed.
My advise is kids, especially tee agera just want a mom and a dad. They want to know how its. going to affect them. I tried be a consistent and fiercely loyal dad ..I think that helped them a lot.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Alex1984
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Re: looking for advice on takking to teenagers
Hi Lauren,
I'm so sorry for you!
Our situation was different, but we spoke to the kids early on - about 3 months post-disclosure. At the time, I wasn't sure if we were going to stay together, but I was committed to try and promised the kids their lives won't change for at least 12 months and that we will give it our best to figure things out.
Because my husband's bisexuality wasn't accompanied by the news of divorce, kids took it extremely (and surprisingly) well.
In your situation, you can soften the blow for your girls, by presenting a united front with your husband. I am not saying you have to do it! If it hurts too much, just do the best you can do in this situation...
I think the usual "we are getting divorced, but we still love you, we are still a team and it's not your fault" script would work for you.
While I would be transparent (dad realised he is attracted to men rather than women), I wouldn't centre the conversation around his sexuality.
Also, sadly, don't expect kids to feel much of your pain related to his sexuality. That is for you to work through with your therapist, friends, family, etc.
To most kids, parents are asexual beings. They just won't fully understand what's a big deal in him "not desiring you that way". They will understand infidelity and betrayal, but it's up to you whether this is something you want them to know about their farther. It's honest, but not necessarily the best for them - I could argue either side on this one - so it'll be up to you to decide.
This is so so hard, I'm sorry! I hope you're over this soon and starting to heal.
- Lauren709
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Re: looking for advice on takking to teenagers
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone and others have been there and come out on the other side. I think I am looking for the "magical words," and sadly, there are none. Sounds like honesty with no details on the sexual part is the way to go. Yes, both my girls are on social media and pretty savvy about the world. It's comforting to hear two of you saw how little it was about the sexuality (maybe that's my insecurity, I am projecting on them).
One thing I am 100 percent certain of is our commitment, as a united family, with all the love and support in the world for our girls.
This all came out less than a week ago, but I am shocked about how little anger I feel, just extreme sadness and grief for our kids and my husband.
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