Vent and rant all you want and need to do.   I well remember a similar phase in my own life, when my now-ex could think of nothing else but his trans fetish.  At one time he even said to me, "Everything is gendered!" and I replied, "Nothing is inherently gendered!"  

Living in a spouse's closet is crazy-making.  And to live with them while they insist on the superiority of their belief in the nebulous and unprovable belief system of "gender identity" while also claiming they must stay in the closet is rage-making in its illogic.  My ex insisted that I support him 100% and was constantly alert to instances in which I failed to live up to his standards of what constituted "acceptance," but he could not accept himself enough to go public with his newly declared gender identity.  He demanded acceptance from me but couldn't accept himself.  He wanted the sexual thrill of dressing in women's clothes and role-playing as if he were a woman, but he didn't want to take his woman-personal public, because then his make-believe that he was indeed a woman would face the reality of other people's disbelief.  

  Based on my own experience, I will say "good for you" for your plan to go to the theatre by yourself, because you enjoy it.  Insisting on ourselves and our own interests is a positive and necessary step when we are immersed in their drama.  

I'll also say that you are under no obligation to stay in your spouse's closet.  His shame, his secrecy, is not yours to carry, and what happens in your life is yours to speak of.   As I once answered someone who told me that it was brave of me to speak: "If you can't own your own story, then who are you?" 



 

Rant all you want.  We get it.

Its an alternate reality or narrative they create but its not normal. Its not really real..no matter how much they scream and do. I was dumbfounded by the arrogance..like my GX was Dr Who and could rewrite the past, the present and future. 


Rant away and do what you need to do to be based in real reality.

For me, I can't even deal with the gendered part of it right now. It's the sense of falseness, and the self-centeredness. It's thinking that I was in this amazing relationship and realizing that they were acting the whole time. It's not knowing what was real and what wasn't.  And knowing they are such a good actor, even now I don't trust the answers to those questions. Their agenda is so clearly to keep the family together, I don't feel comfortable believing the things they say now. 

Today, it's less anger than yesterday.  Today I'm sad. I feel like I never really had a husband. Like my kids don't have someone who wants to be their father. They do love the kids, but I think they really do want to be seen as a mother and that's ridiculous. Our kids are not babies.  I think pulling this rug out from under them would be cruel. I don't buy the line that 'kids are resilient.' And to be honest, I really resisted the idea of marriage and kids because I didn't feel like I could trust a man enough to go through all that.  And then I really thought I had found someone who was safe and appreciated egalitarianism.  But, of course that was all lip service, I do more of the housework, keeping up with the schedule, the bills, everything. And apparently that lip service was because they were afraid of doing feminine tasks because it caused dysphoria. But now, they are a woman. It doesn't make much sense to me.  

I'm just so exhausted.  

Thank you to you all for your support and for letting me exist in this space. I went to a yoga class last night.  Something I hadn't done in forever because I'm trying to be frugal for our family. It seemed self centered of me to go to a class when I could just practice at home for free.  I'm going to be centering myself a bit more from now on.