I live in a community in which I could tell people that I was divorcing my gay husband.  I was very open about that, and shared that part of my story with literally everyone I knew, figuring that once the news was out, I'd prefer that people hear it from me.   I got a lot of love back, and I was surprised at how many of my friends and colleagues knew someone who had been in the straight spouse situation.   I know everyone has a different situation, and not everyone here has the luxury of being able to share openly without fear of being criticized or shunned, or perhaps even endangering their family, so I know I'm lucky in that regard. 

So everyone I know got my surface story.  The details of the gaslighting and manipulation were saved for good friends, and there are only a tiny number of people with whom I share every awful detail: a couple of long-time close friends, and my rockstar of a therapist. 

Brene Brown writes wonderfully about being open and vulnerable; she says we share our story with those who have earned the right to hear it.  

I think there's a way to be authentic without having to tell your survival story right up front.  It might be as simple as telling a new friend that you're recovering from an abusive relationship.  Full stop.  If they ask for more, you can simply say you're still processing and can't put words on it yet. 

There are so, so many people who aren't straight spouses who carry their own stories of hardship and/or abuse.  It might not be as extreme as yours, just like it sounds like my straight spouse experience was not as extreme as yours, even though I had my own suffering.  The people with whom we interact have been subjected to the whole range of human difficulty.  We just don't necessarily know it.   I recently made a friend who has mentioned that she's a few years sober.  I'm certain there's a rock-bottom story there, but we're new friends.  I hope we get close enough for her to share more -  I know I haven't earned it just yet. 

It's hard to remember sometimes, but our suffering is connection, not separation.  

Hang in there - recovering from this shit is a long slow curve, and every day is not necessarily better than the one before.  The fact that you can talk about this with your therapist and in this forum is awesome! 

Last edited by freedmyself (September 1, 2025 2:04 pm)

Hi butterfly,

sorry to do this to you but as someone who stayed in my marriage for 37 years I feel I have the background to make the observation - it gets worse with time.  By the time I left I knew I would not make old bones if I didn't get away and I was able to negotiate a divorce in which the main component was the understanding I would leave through the keyhole - keep his closet intact.

The thought that your closeted H might leave when his parents die is a possibility - one of his parents is likely to be in the closet and that does tend to keep the possibility of outing himself on the back burner but I think it is more likely that he loves his closet and will want to keep it whether you stay or go.  and whatever the boyfriends say.