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1 of 1- Nadine
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Dreading the weekend
I haven't posted in a while but thought it might help me for the weekend.
My story so far:
Married 30 years
Husband emotionally abusive for 3-4 years prior to his coming out which was escalating - I feared he would hit me
Husband came out as trans 3 1/2 years ago and I still feel very raw - a huge shock
Husband has been working and living in a different part of the country
Husband discarded and treated me like trash because I wanted a separation
I filed for divorce March 2024 after pressure and harassment from him
His most recent financial settlement proposal suggests the house is split 78% to him and 22% to me because I have savings from an inheritance - it would wipe out my savings
He has been presenting as a trans woman and taking hormones since Sept 2024
I have only seen him 4 times in the last 3 1/2 years and never seen him presenting as a trans woman. We are only communicating through lawyers. I have PTSD and have a nervous reaction when I see trans women of around his age when I'm out in a public place - my heart starts beating rapidly, I shake, temperature rises and I start crying.
My eldest son is getting married this weekend, a small wedding and my husband will be there. It will be the first time that I see him as a trans woman and I'm feeling very apprehensive for what should be a joyous day. My brother is coming as my plus one - the wider family are not invited because my son and fiancé wanted a small wedding.
I will feel mortified if I have a meltdown as I really don't want to ruin the day and I don't want my husband to be the focus - it's not his day. I just really hope I can hold it together but can't bring myself to even say hello to him after his betrayal, his despicable behaviour and the ongoing divorce.
If anyone has any advice?
Thank you
- lily
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Re: Dreading the weekend
Hi Nadine,
sorry to hear he is being so difficult in the divorce.
That's great that you will have your brother by your side for the wedding and hopefully that is enough to keep you safe and enjoying the day.
I can only imagine meeting up at your son's wedding is going to be nerve wracking though. So I think it's good you are getting prepared to be triggered into a panic attack incase it happens. I have experienced them too, the first time was when this was all new to me - I had been visiting with a friend and told her all about it and was preparing to return home I thought I might be having a heart attack but she said I think it's okay and try taking this - it was a half tab of Valium and within minutes I was back to normal and able to drive home.
Since then I have had a couple more, and both times I just put all my inner focus on cuddling my heart and was okay in a few minutes but also I saw it as a clear indication that is not what I want - so my suggestion is to keep as much physical distance as you can from your ex.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Dreading the weekend
Nadine, I have no advice but I have mountains of empathy for you. This is so, so hard.
I haven't had to deal with my ex in a public setting like this, and fortunately we live on opposite sides of the country. But, my daughter is graduating next May and I'll have to deal with him then. It's just not easy.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Dreading the weekend
Nadine...you could simply not acknowledge him unless he acknowledges you.
But definitely practice deep-breathing and calm when you're in his vicinity.
It's not fair that we have to practice holding ourselves together in the presence of someone we no longer have respect for but I reckon you can do it. Don't crumble for him!
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Rob
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Re: Dreading the weekend
How did it go? If hea going ro rhe wedding as his new self i guess you dont have to explain why you're separating.
Hugs and prayers.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- gwendolyn_C
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Re: Dreading the weekend
I don’t have any advice, but I want to share my experience with my mother at my sister’s wedding. I remember how my mother acted 20 years ago when my sister got married, and I realize now that her behavior stemmed from her own hurt, especially since my dad was there. Unfortunately, my sister didn’t deserve to have those memories overshadowed by our mother’s actions. I keep this in mind when I have to deal with my ex, as I want to control my emotions for the sake of my children.