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A few days ago, I discovered messages between my wife and another woman – a tomboy partner she had grown close to. The messages were detailed and intimate, and the discovery was crushing. I had suspected something weeks earlier, even playfully asking her if anything was going on because I knew she had always been curious about women in a sexual way. At the time, I was reassured nothing was happening.
To find out later that it wasn’t true was devastating – not only because of the affair itself, but because of the lying and secrecy.On the day of discovery, I sent a message to the other woman. I started by thanking her for the friendship she had shown to my daughters (two girls, aged 5 and 2). But then I was very clear: what she had done showed she did not care about them, or about my family, and that this was nothing more than a fling. I told her I was not going anywhere, that I am here to fight for my marriage. Importantly, I did not put all the blame on her – the responsibility lies with both of them.The Admission and First ConversationsAfter I confronted my wife with the messages, she admitted to the affair. She told me that she had always been curious about women sexually, that it was a long-held fantasy of hers, but that she remained committed to me. She did not initially frame it as being caused by my actions, but in the early discussions that followed, I reflected on my own role.At the beginning of our marriage, she had been fully committed to me – even clingy, to use a simple term – but she also suspected that I had not been faithful. She never had proof, but she sensed something. Looking back, I can see why: I would stay out late, come home drunk, avoid her questions about messages on my phone, and offer poor-quality intimacy. All this while she was pregnant with our first daughter, left at home all day, not knowing what the future held. At the time, I brushed it off. But over the past few days as we’ve reflected, I’ve come to a deeper realization of what my actions cost.
I am not saying the affair was my fault – it wasn’t, and she alone chose to cheat and lie. But I can see how, over the years, her trust and commitment to me were slowly eroded. It’s strange, because in some ways we always had daily intimacy and constant messaging, but that didn’t change the fact that my behavior left her feeling lost and betrayed in her own way.Offering Her ChoicesIn those first days, I gave her options. I told her if she wanted to leave, I would support her financially so she and our two children would be secure. I even offered, out of cultural respect (she is Asian), to tell her parents that I had been the unfaithful one if that would give her an honorable way out. My goal was to strip away excuses and see her true intentions.She refused both options. Instead, she asked me if I still loved her. I said yes – that I did love her, but that if we were to move forward, it would be as a new relationship. I told her it felt like our marriage, as it had been, had died. Both of us had changed, and if we were to continue, it would have to be with honesty, transparency, and the understanding that we were starting again.The Current SituationSince “D-Day” it’s only been four or five days, but there have already been many long conversations. She promised complete truth and transparency from the start, and so far she has kept that promise. Whenever something new has come up, I’ve asked directly, and she has answered openly.
She told me she wishes to continue the relationship with the other woman for the next two weeks, with the explicit purpose of ending it. She has said this to me multiple times. She explained that with upcoming holiday commitments – I will be traveling abroad and she will also have a trip – she intends to spend one final day and night with the other woman to talk, gain closure, and end things. I know intimacy will be part of that trip, and while that’s painful to accept, I’ve decided that allowing this conclusion is the only way forward without breeding long-term resentment.During these days, she has kept me informed when casual meetings with the other woman occurred, and we’ve maintained constant communication. She has respected when I need time, and I have respected when she needs space. Out of respect for me and for our marriage, she has promised that this will end.Intimacy and ReflectionIronically, the past few months have been some of our most intimate in years. We’ve had more closeness, more sexual connection, and more honesty than in a long time. Part of me wonders if her exploration of this fantasy and then returning to me as her husband has fueled that, or if it has been her way of punishing herself for what she was doing. She has described herself at times as a “terrible person.”For my part, I have been fully supportive of what she wants, though not without the occasional emotional outburst. I’ve committed to saving this marriage not out of fear, not only for the sake of our children, but because I truly love her.
She has responded to me with love too. We’ve started talking about how we can bond more, spend more time together, and build something new. The past few days, despite the pain, have also been some of the best in a very long time.Why I Didn’t Demand an Immediate EndI know many will disagree with the choices I’ve made – allowing her space to end it “naturally,” not demanding an immediate cutoff, revealing my own infidelities early in the marriage. But here is why: I asked myself what good it would do to lock her away, demand location sharing, constant check-ins, and accuse her of lying every time something didn’t add up. That’s not the kind of marriage I want.From the first message she sent me the morning I discovered the affair – apologizing and saying it was her fault – I replied, “You deserve to be happy.” I never asked for an immediate blocking or ending because I know that could have built resentment down the line. Instead, I’ve tried to create space for her to choose our marriage freely.I’ve also been clear: an open relationship is not something I will ever accept – never. I told her I have no interest in pursuing anyone else, either now or in the future. In a sense, I’ve decided to “roll the dice” and see where we stand after the holiday. If she tells me she cannot end it, then I know where I stand, and as hard as it will be, I will leave.Where We Stand NowI believe I’ve shown more than enough love and patience, but always with long-term rebuilding in mind. If reconciliation does happen, it will have to be slow and careful, rebuilt brick by brick. If it does not, then I will walk away knowing I gave my best effort without bitterness or endless “what ifs.”Right now, though, we are still in constant and respectful dialogue. She has promised the affair will end after this holiday period. We are both acknowledging the past – both the lies and the failures – and we are looking at the future.I suppose what I am looking for here is perspective: how do these steps sound to those who have walked this path? Am I being wise or naïve in allowing her the space she’s asked for, given the promise that it will end?What I do know is that I am fighting for my marriage, because I love my wife. And for the first time in years, despite all the pain, I feel there is at least the possibility of something new and better between us.
Last edited by ChoMuc (August 26, 2025 3:13 am)
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Hi Chomuc,
Sounds like you are clear about what you want - to stay married but monogamous.
so I guess the thing that might help is to think back to those early days of infidelity and work out what it was about - from an outsider's perspective it could be for a number of reasons from an instinct to move on to other options entirely but you will know and that might help chart your path forward now.
all the best, Lily
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Hi ChoMuc,
Your decisions are yours - whether anyone here disagrees or agrees doesn't really matter.
Because there are so many factors that go into whether you & your wife will stay together, it's difficult to imagine that allowing her space will have that much of an impact. Also, with all due respect, since she's already shown that she's capable of "lying and secrecy" as you've described, she might take whatever time she wants with her girlfriend, with or without your permission.
Sounds like you are powerfully committed to making your marriage work, even in the face of a big challenge. Seems like one advantage of your plan is that it could succeed, yet if things don't work out in the long run, you will know that you have tried your very best to keep your marriage together.
Is couples therapy an option for you & your wife? Betrayal is a lot to overcome, and your relationship might benefit from having a professional help you find your way back from that, as a couple. It's one thing to find a way to stay together with a gay/lesbian partner; it's another thing to find a way to stay together with someone who has lied and cheated.
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Hi Cho Muc,
While I admire how much you love her and all that you are willing to offer her during this time that she will slowly end things; I have to say that what is in her and the other women's heart is not clear.
Of course, she loves you and so much so had children with you, but she could also love that other woman and may always feel that her true self is with her or being with a woman. It is not always about the sexuality it is also about the emotional connection she has developed with that other woman and what she feels she can develop with females. I guess I'm saying why did she reach out to that woman? What did she think was missing in her marriage and in her life in general and has that changed? Maybe in your marriage but did she actually change, can she change? And the other woman, why did she think it was okay what signs did your wife give off and what did she feel she can give that you can never?
Thoughts to ponder.