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1 of 1- maggiemay58
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Establishing the rules
I've been married for 20 years, and my husband and I have always had an 'adventurous' sex life. We joined several swinging groups, always staying in the same room, but experimenting with lots of situations. At one point we were both bi-curious, and met with other bi couples. I wasn't very impressed, and came away feeling that I'm definitely heterosexual. My husband, though, really loved it and wants to continue having sex with men...and I'm welcome to tag along (joining in, taking photos, etc) if I wish.
I don't have a problem with him being bisexual. If that's who he is, then I'm okay with it. However, I don't want to tag along, I don't want to have a three-way, and I really am not interested in that aspect of sex at all. It doesn't repulse me, but it doesn't interest me.
So how do we navigate it all moving forward? Romantically, my husband is faithful to me. His bi adventures are strictly for sexual fulfillment. Meeting up with bi couples helped reassure me of the quality of people we were connecting with, and I fear that when he's out on his own, he'll find sleazy guys and bring home diseases. That's really my only concern.
Thoughts?
- lily
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Re: Establishing the rules
you sound like a very nice lady - and you are someone who has done everything to keep her husband happy but I very much question this idea that he is romantically faithful to you. Cupboard love, sure, but romance??
This idea that you can separate romantic love and sexual fulfilment strikes me as very dodgy.
I agree, the most likely thing to suffer from his infidelities is your health and I'm guessing even if he falls in love with a man, he will still keep hold of his marriage.
So really I think it's for you to start thinking about what you want.
Hopefully your post is a good start and you are most welcome to continue posting and see what you come up with.
all the best, Lily
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Establishing the rules
maggiemay58 wrote:
....... My husband, though, really loved it and wants to continue having sex with men...and I'm welcome to tag along (joining in, taking photos, etc) if I wish.
So how do we navigate it all moving forward?
You sound like me 
A, my former partner, was always suggesting stuff...even telling me he'd be fine with me going off for a few days with another man. He was fine with me sitting in the room when he was fucking somebody else, and vice versa (I cringe now at the thought of where this led). Give a bisexual man an inch and he'll take a mile.
AND he'll make it seem like he's doing you a favour.
My advice is....think about what you want your life and love to look like in ten years from now, in twenty years. And whether letting him be the person he is...is the best thing for your r'ship and future.
Sometimes we get left behind and don't get to walk beside the person we thought we'd be beside forever.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Alex1984
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Re: Establishing the rules
Hi maggiemay58,
Welcome to the forum!
In your situation, communication is key. You need to investigate both of your boundaries and keep talking! A good idea to find a couple's counselor experienced in supporting open relationships.
Him exploring on his own doesn't mean he will want to screw men in public toilets (but it might happen, so you need to tell him this is off limits to you, if it is). You can, basically, write your own rules. And please don't feel like any of those requests are unreasonable - they are your boundaries. The trick here is to find compromise. It could happen that he wants a lot more than you can handle - then you need to make other choice (possibly leave), but you might find your boundaries align nicely.
My husband is bi. Our story is likely very different. We are generally quite content with each other and have to force ourselves to socialise. The idea of swinging sounds exhausting to me - and not because of the sex, but because of the connection we'd need to build with the other couple. All swinging couples we met are naturally loud, bubbly, outgoing people - are that is just the opposite of what my husband and I are.
Here's our story in short:
- my husband came out as bi just over 18 months ago. We tried open relationship, but decided that for now it's not for us
- my husband realised he has zero interest in transactional sex with either men or women (90% of gay sex is transactional)
- we are leaving the conversation open for when/if a worthy person might come by
- I am also a lot more open to the possibility of having a boyfriend outside our relationship - chances I'd like anyone are super slim, I'm really picky.
Here are a couple of other groups for you - there would be a lot more people in open relationships there that might extend a helpful advice.
Facebook groups:
Good luck!