"I have to be the one who eats it, you know."
 
I do know. My ex also decided he was "a woman in a man's body" after many years of marriage (32 years of marriage, in my case), and after initially declaring he was going to "transition" backed off that plan when he realized that he would never pass as a woman (he is 6'4", 300 pounds, and wears size 13 men's shoes, and does not look remotely like a woman).  He, too, decided he would continue to be the man he is in public and at work, but at home be "the woman he is inside."  As you say, this works out great for them, but is an  intolerable and unethical burden for them to place on us. My husband (now ex) and I were both professors, in the same department, with the same title and the same salary.  Yet I would fight the good fight of a woman in the workplace all day, having to demonstrate I was qualified to be there doing the work I was, while he enjoyed the respect for his views and his authority that he received simply by virture of his maleness, and then I would come home at night where I was expected to not just accept, not just affirm, but to celebrate his "woman-ness," which took the form of clothes and behavior that were pornified caricatures of woman. 

I heard the same thing, that he had "known" since he was a child, which was how he explained his action, at age 10 or so, of wearing his mother's slip, and drawing breasts on himself with her lipstick.  It turns out that my husband, like yours, had been taking my underclothing and wearing it.  Ask yourself: why is it that his belief he is a woman centers on sexualized clothing (impractical panties)?  

Your husband is an autogynephile, that is, a man who is sexually aroused by the act of pretending he is a woman.  You can look up the psychologist Michael Bailey's work "The Man Who Would be Queen" for a readable account of autogynephilia.  I remember reading the typology in that book with a dawinng understanding that my husband fit almost every point.  

Autogynephilia is very hard for those of us with normal sexualities (gay, straight, or bi) to get our heads around, and there are many permutations.  Most autogynephiles are otherwise heterosexual men who retain their attraction to women but redefine themselves as "lesbians."  To be affirmed as women is their dominant desire, whether that is with other women (to be treated as a "lesbian" by another women is affirming!), or with men.  Some autogynephiles do seek out sex with men not because they are gay, but because being desired in their woman guise and treated as a woman is affirming to their belief they "are" women. 

You are not a hypocrite.  Plenty of lesbians and bi women will tell you that they are attracted to both males and females, but not to trans identifying women (transmen) or trans identifying men (transwomen). 

At one time I posted a list of resources for women who are married to trans-identiying men.  You can search for it using my name (although I have made many, many posts in the nine years I have been on this Forum).  You might also benefit from looking up the documentary "Behind the Looking Glass," by Vaishnavi Sundar, which is available on Youtube.  The documentary itself is supplemented by longer interviews with the women in the film.  (My own interview is there, under "Alison").  You might also look up transwidowsvoices.org, and read the stories women in our situation have posted there.  

Happy to talk to you via the message feature, if you like.  

I meant to keep my reply short, but I could have written so much of what you posted. I'm so sorry you're here.

“I waited to tell you until I knew you wouldn’t leave.”

I heard similar from my ex, and it's chilling. A's just told you that, rather than let you make informed choices about your own life and your own body, he lied and manipulated you until he was dead certain you couldn't make any choices at all. It took me a long time to accept that "changes behavior when they perceive partner can't easily leave" is a classic tactic of abusers.

He might have told you then because you were financially dependent, but I also wouldn't be surprised if it was in an effort to sabotage nursing school and keeping you from growing in your life. Could be both.

"She loved me and I was her best friend."

Wanting to keep you trapped in a relationship isn't love. It's gross. Faking an entire persona to get you into that relationship? Also gross.

"I’ve asked him if it bothers him to go to church and pretend to be someone else."

This is someone who had no problem pretending to be someone else to YOU for over a decade. His actions have shown you that "live a double life" is a skill in A's toolset that he uses to get things he wants. People who can lie for that long usually are happy to do it and get a thrill of "duper's delight" in tricking others. Rather that thinking of "A at church" as fake and "A at home" as real, they're probably both fake (but useful) faces he puts on. 

It sounds like trying to fake a happy marriage for three years has been killing you. That's a normal response to living with secrets. But A wants living with secrets to be his/your lifestyle forever. He seems content with the status quo because he IS content with the status quo. This works for him.

"I feel so isolated."

Because you ARE so isolated. Instead of threatening you if you see your family and friends, A has found a much better plan: make you keep secrets to create emotional distance between you and everyone else and completely monopolize your emotional/mental energy with his "you're the only one I have!" self-pity. He gets to isolate you, and you feel sorry for him instead of angry at him. It's a lazy and effective control tactic.

I didn't feel like I could tell anyone without permission, either. After the divorce, I talked to women who'd divorced alcoholics, gamblers, and men who'd blown their retirement on hookers. All of them told me that they, too, felt like their husband's secrets weren't theirs to share. And then I felt stupid for being quiet for so long.

In retrospect, I don't think it would have been safe for me to tell anyone anyway, but I wish I had said something like, "I don't feel comfortable explaining why right now, but my marriage is going really poorly. I'm not sure what the future looks like anymore for me." Then I wouldn't have been so alone.

"Does this make me a hypocrite?"

You have a partner who is distracted and selfish during sex and leaves you perpetually awkward and deeply uncomfortable. Your partner is also happy with this. They're also a partner who sprung these new sexual activities on you when you were vulnerable and he was sure you couldn't leave. I would call that sexual coercion. So what if you're attracted to women? You're unhappy in a relationship with someone who uses you.

I think that's part of what's so confusing here, though. Your husband gets to attack your identity and who you are. Leaving feels like being a bad member of the LGBT community. But really, this isn't any different from some terrible Christian bloke saying "You're a bad Christian woman if you don't sexually satisfy your husband in whatever way he likes, and you're a bad Christian if you leave him!" We only have to replace one word: "You're a bad ally if you don't sexually satisfy your partner in whatever way he likes, and you're a bad ally if you leave him!" Still gross. A's hidden sexuality/gender doesn't mean that he now owns you for life or you go to LGBT hell.

"I have to be the one who eats it, you know."

Why? You could easily say, "I watched A lie to others and lie to me, and eventually I decided that I wasn't ever going to be secure or safe in that relationship." Or a million other things. But in my case, "Everyone will think you're crazy if you try to leave me" was a fear my ex planted. My friends and family, who had watched me become more isolated over the years, just wanted to help me leave and keep me safe, no explanations needed. 

"I’m so deeply confused."

I don't remember which DV resource talked about constant confusion being one of the biggest hallmarks of abuse, but it stuck with me.

I hope you build up your social network. I know that is easier said than done. But keep reaching out. Leave the house. Find people to hang out with again where you don't have to pretend. Being around other people helped me feel less confused and find a better way forward with my life. I'm so glad you got to hang out and remember what "normal" feels like. 

I hate to sound pessimistic, but consider having a safety plan. You have a very controlling husband. I never thought my ex would do anything to hurt me, but I was wrong. Leaving is the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships, and A may make changes more drastic than trading boxers in for lingerie if he sees you trying to have a life outside of him or to leave. 

Think about getting tested for STD's. Your husband is great at running double-lives, and as it turns out, "You're the only person I have. I'm so alone!" is brilliant cover for sleeping with other people.

Maybe start thinking about quietly getting your financial ducks in a row. If you wanted to leave, could you? Do you have your own bank account? A's demonstrated his double-life skills and dishonesty. I would not be shocked if that extended to your financials, too.

I know you said you're terrified, but you sound like an amazing woman. You finished nursing school (!!!) and fought cancer (!!!) all while silently suffering through an enormous personal betrayal dropped on you right as you needed A's support the most. I hope you start imagining a life for yourself where you can have friends, where you get to be honest with people. Maybe instead of coming home to disassociate through terrible sex, you could come home to a nice dog and go for a walk. I don't know what a happier life would look like for you, but you don't deserve to live in the hell A's created for you.