oh dear, it's sad isn't it.  I don't know her name and I don't remember any details but I still remember the feeling of the person who wrote back to me when I first posted here and answered my question - why do straight women marry gay men - because they didn't know.  It was like a hand reaching out and giving me a soothing pat.  much appreciated, I hadn't even heard the term gay in denial before I came here and it's an important concept to get a handle of.

It's invaluable, this forum - I can't imagine how I would have felt without the understanding I found here, well I can imagine it, all too well - to get to the point of reaching out for help beyond your marriage and to be blamed by people after decades of absorbing the blame from my lying cheating manipulating fake husband?  it's not enough to say it would have crushed me, I was already crushed.

Maybe because they are older but the group of people I have got to know in my neighbourhood, we have a weekly get together and when I have told my story the most I have got is a sympathetic tut tutting - oh, they say you were too young to know better - nobody feels the urge to blame me!  it actually feels comforting and helpful.

That's a while ago now and times change quickly.  Looks like the age of the bisexual has come.

Doesn't mean to say there aren't still a ton of straights every day just starting to wake up to the fact that their spouse has been gaslighting them and yet still caught in the depths of confusion.  I tell you when I think about it, how I felt back then, I just want to reach back in time and give myself a hug.

Hi Anon, nice to hear from you - you are sounding better - it is good to get some time for recovery after the end of such a relationship isn't it.

I loved my ex blindly and he insisted on keeping me while resenting me for staying.- the most he ever had for me was cupboard love and even that was worn away by the emotional toxicity of his resentment.

The emotional pain a straight spouse goes into is swept under the carpet of family life all the time but I don't think that helps and we would all be better off if it wasn't.

Last edited by lily (August 4, 2025 4:42 pm)

WalkbyMyself:  I might not have been the only one, but in the comments I recommended this site and forum.  I thought Appiah's advice wrong, and unethical, to boot, ironic for an expert who has a PhD in Philosophy.  (I met Appiah, who was a visiting prof at Cornell when I was doing my PhD there.)  That he is himself gay to me helps explain his willingness in his answer to that letter, as well to at least one other I can remember, to counsel continued deceit of a spouse.  One commenter took him to task for not understanding that there were very real consequences to the spouse, ranging from finances to health; I wished I could upvote it more than once.

Walkbymyself,
 Yes, I was struck by the fact that no commenter, including those who rushed to blame the letter writer for her years of silence understood that years of living with a closeted/in denial spouse who demeans, devalues, and who blames the straight spouse for no sex conditions that straight spouse to blame themselves, and to stay silent.  I can just imagine how the letter writer felt after reading those comments.  I hope she finds her way here where she will find real support.