sorry to hear of the loss of your brother.  and glad you are able to be there for your family - it sounds to me like you are making steady progress out of the gay-in-denial quagmire.

I finally pulled the trigger. Waited until I found a lawyer that believed I could get full custody, experienced in father's rights cases. I have a pretty solid case with ample evidence, photos, PI, and receipts, Logs of late nights. One receipt was to a gay bar on the night (technically early the next morning) of our child's birthday that she missed, just left, crumpled up in the kid's bathroom drawer. 
There was something going on the week I filed, she had a "friend" she had to help thru a crisis. She'd already lied a few times to cover time spent with this friend, but I let it play out and waited a week to have her served, just in case there was some truth to the situation. 
I felt wrong about just having her served without speaking first. So I got up the nerve and got a moment alone with her and just said it was over, I wasn't going to compete with all this other stuff anymore... she admitted she was done and had been talking to a lawyer herself. We talked for a bit.. she denied any affairs, but I said I knew otherwise and mentioned one of the names I know about... She just shrugged and said "whatever". She obviously wants 50/50 custody, her share of everything... etc. And to stay in the house until it's sold and we split it. 
I had filed as adultery, I have more than enough evidence to prove that, along with the custody claim, but at this point, I just want to get this over with. I don't have the heart, regardless of faith/moral beliefs to take her from the kids... I don't see how that shows God's love. I haven't shown her how much evidence I have, and I'm not sure I should... I've got years of co-parenting ahead with her and regardless of how I feel or what I know, I have to keep the peace for the kids. 
Meanwhile she's job hunting. We're having to go thru loans and see what's what... She said she was advised to deny the adultery claim, but would write a letter of admission for me after it's all over if I needed it for any future relationship... Sort of a backhanded way of admitting it. It makes little difference in this state as far as assets go, except to count anything spent on other relationships against her cut. I don't know that it's enough to be worth it vs what it would cost in legal fees... other than just the knowing.

It's a weird calm right now, cordial. I'm not digging any more, I just don't have the energy anymore. 
The kids don't know yet, we're letting the school year get started before we dump that on them. 
I had hoped to keep the house for the next school year, some thought I could buy it out, but that's depending on so much, but the idea of having to share it for another 10 months... just delays healing. 

The first steps taken, but the path is uncharted, unknown. 

 

well done, Held - hold onto your nerve.  Listen to your lawyer and don't give her anything you aren't forced to by law.

The only regrets I have over my divorce process is where I was kind to him.  Believe me.  It's years ago now and I still have those regrets - why did I leave this for him, why did I let him get away with that.  Stand TOUGH!!!

It sounds like adultery makes a difference in your family court so absolutely file your proof of it.  the whole shocking lot, don't take a step back about anything, imo the niceness towards her, you will regret it.  wishing you the best of luck.  Keep us posted how it is going, these are just the hardest yards in front of you now.

Held,
Having gone through this it sounds like your're doing all the right things.     For myself, my Lawyer advised not filing as adultery as it would make little difference in my area/state.. If I really wanted to go for full custody it was going to be at least another 20k extra.    At the time my goal was not take the kids away from her and I told her as much.    We did 50/50... she got.. half of each kid, half my retirement, and shockingly to her (half the debts). 

The process sucks but if she doesnt drag it out with crazy demands..it can end.  My GX was shocked and even more angry that she had to find a job... thought she and her girlfriend were going to buy a large house and live off of their cruel husbands..   

Wishing you continued strength and stoicism.