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1 of 1- violetdelights
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One week in - figuring out forever together
Hey there.
Last Monday, my wife of 13 years came out to me that she's gay last week. Lots of processing has occurred. This poor woman has been dealing with this for 10 months but couldn't get up the courage to talk to me about it (I'm so proud of her for being so brave!).
Our sex life has been a lot of me doing the initiating, but we've been pretty low frequency for the last few years. We've always had sexual hangups with each other because of our religiously conservative childhoods.
To re-emphasize, none of my reaction has been disgust/anger/betrayal. I feel sorry that she had to carry this alone and imagine every possible catastrophic outcome for 10 months on her own.
Let me establish a few things to give the best context I can.
- She has emphasized she is gay, not lesbian. Said a different way, homosexual bi/pan-romantic - she still loves me romantically, I am just not her sexual type.
- I love her just as deeply, and I want to stay with her. My reactions as I have been processing with this new reality have been to draw closer to her and figure out how to make this work. We're too close to each other to just throw this away over sexual attraction.
- At this time, we agree opening the marriage up isn't an option for either of us. Similar for divorce.
- We have grown much closer together in the last week! So much cuddling, trust and intimacy. We've discovered a lot of truly blissful ways to reconnect.
Last night, however, I could tell something was weighing on her, and we talked some more, leading to a very painful clarification:
- She does not want to have sex with me at all. She does not feel like it's possible to approach now that she realizes that she is not sexually attracted to me.
Initially, when the initial conversation came to the sexual parts, her position was that the next step was to figure out what I truly need from sex and we could negotiate openly and honestly together. That position has changed: She feels like she can't make herself try to have sex with me at all.
She was afraid of this follow-up talk because we both acknowledge I have the tendency to martyr. If there's a difference if opinion, I tend to surrender quickly and try to move on to the next thing.
Her fear is that I'm going to put on a brave face, soldier on, and we grow old together but I'm dead inside. That fear is not unfounded.
Prior to the big conversation, I had a pretty monolithic view of sex, sensuality, intimacy, romance, attraction, etc. Sexual intercourse was all of those things tied together all at once, and that oversimplification caused me to pull away when she wanted less sex. She rightly saw I was going through the motions because I didn't want to bring up the pain. That's my style... I know it's not the healthiest.
Since last Monday's conversation, my understanding had exploded each of these huge concepts into separate parts, like they actually are. I truly don't know what I need from sex anymore - I was already processing everything else and figured we could address sex later. However, last night's conversation seems to have closed the door on sex altogether.
While I feel disappointment, sadness, and grief over what seems like it could never be, I'm also frustrated with myself. Rationally, I want to bundle my sexual needs into a box and throw it into the sea. I desperately want to stay with her and grow this marriage into something more beautiful than it's ever been. I hate that I feel so crushed at this being taken away, especially when I don't even want it right now.
Again, I don't feel angry with her for arriving at this conclusion. I don't even want to have sex right now, nor do I want to
Even cuddling is complicated for me now, and that destroys me. I need her touch, but I'm scared I'll be in my head about it for a while, so I wasn't feeling very cuddly last night, and it hurts so bad I got up at 4:30 to write this post.
I don't know how common my reactions are in for this community. I still love my wife, and I genuinely choose her over sex every time. I want peace with the thought of a celibate relationship.
One last note, we are both in individual therapy, and our first couples therapy session is tomorrow.
- Alex1984
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Re: One week in - figuring out forever together
Hi Delights
I'm very sorry to find you on this forum. The pain of the first few days/weeks can seem unbearable, but know it does get better.
I would really recommend getting a therapist for yourself and, ideally, for her - both of you really need it now. You can add couple's therapy later.
Good posts for you to read on this forum are from Dutchman and Lostandconfused - they are in good relationships with their gay wives.
As much as I want to believe you can make it work, pease also make sure you protect yourself - like maybe keep an eye on your bank accounts. It's a turbulent time for the gay partner and sometimes they do unpredictable things. It doesn't alway come from a place of malice, often people experience a period of second adolescence and can get quite reckless.
Here are some links you might find helpful:
Facebook groups:
Podcasts:
MOR and More:
www.morandmore.org
Amity Buxton's article (unfortunately, you need academic access, or try psyhub, very little research literature is available on the topic):
Good luck ❤️
- violetdelights
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Re: One week in - figuring out forever together
>I would really recommend getting a therapist for yourself and, ideally, for her - both of you really need it now. You can add couple's therapy later.
That's a good call-out. We both already have individual therapists, which have been ESSENTIAL.
We also had our first couples session today, and it's been empowering!
>Good posts for you to read on this forum are from Dutchman and Lostandconfused - they are in good relationships with their gay wives.
Excellent! I'll be honest, I know my reaction isn't the only type of reaction - there are a lot of valid expressions of pain, but I was not prepared to sift through them to find the positive stories. Thanks for the signpost!
Last edited by violetdelights (June 19, 2025 6:08 pm)
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Thread Starter- Lostandconfused1234
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Re: One week in - figuring out forever together
Hello violetdelights
You can go through my post history to see a more in depth view of my relationship, but in short, I've been married for 20 years to a woman who disclosed her sexuality in our 19th year.
Therapy will help, but I also want you to be aware that it is ok to feel how you feel. You can be angry and sad and disappointed. You can feel joy and happiness and relief too. Your feelings are valid. What I will warn you against is placing those feelings on your spouse as she is also struggling with her own feelings as well. Try to find a healthy outlet for those feelings, whether it be a friend or a therapist, or even a random stranger on the Internet. Go find some activities to do with friends, or even go make new ones (I'm terrible at it tbh). Give her some space to figure some things out and try not to let her distancing get to you.
One piece of advice I will offer and as I've said before in this forum, is recognize that everyone's situation is different and don't project other people's experiences onto your own relationship or spouse. There are plenty of horror stories on this forum and elsewhere, and my heart breaks for those people. Try to look at your spouse and your relationship subjectively. Make sure the advice you take in aligns with the reality of your situation.
Also, take a long look at yourself right now and figure out who you are and what you want. Be painfully honest, or you may agree to something that will completely crush you. For example, are you ok with an open relationship, or do you only want monogamy? Is sex a deal breaker, or are you ok with a sexless marriage? Where are your boundaries for infidelity? Is a kiss cheating? Is an having a non-physical emotional relationship with another woman ok? These are just examples, but I encourage you to ponder them and others.
Lastly, be kind to yourself. Find the man you are, or want to be and cling to him. He didn't deserve this, but it was also out of his control. You can't change it. Be the man you are, and hopefully she will love you for it, but don't throw yourself away to try and save your marriage. Ultimately you both have to work together to make it work. You can't save it by yourself. I believe the common denominator in all the relationships that have worked out is a commitment from both spouses to stay together.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: One week in - figuring out forever together
violetdelights wrote:
.... I still love my wife, and I genuinely choose her over sex every time. I want peace with the thought of a celibate relationship.....
At my insistence the end of 38yr r'ship with my former bi-partner was sans intimacy.
There was no peace. Because he was okay with it and I didn't want to live with somebody who was my best friend and I'd lost trust in.
You won't know if you can find peace in a celibate r'ship until you try it. So give it a go 🤗
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Sunflower171
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Re: One week in - figuring out forever together
Hello! I'm new here and I am in new territory...again since finding out my husband is gay almost 5years ago. We have been married for 30years and have known each other for 38. I have been quite honest and open about where I am emotionally in all the ups and downs of our relationship especially since him telling me. He not so much unless I start the conversation. He keeps a lot of his thoughts and feelings to himself. He agrees that I am a really good security blanket and he doesn't have to understand himself as long as everything stays status quo. I do know that he is afraid to completely accept and understand himself. We have recently decided to live separately for a while. He has finally decided to see a therapist and start working things through. We love and care A LOT about each other yet we feel like this space is needed. We both feel like this is an important piece in figuring things out. He is a school teacher and will come to stay during breaks and summer. I moved to another state to be closer to the kids. This separation piece scares me and I am not sure what to expect from all this. He is certain that things will work out for us to continue to be together and I feel like there are dozens of different outcomes! My question is.....as he learns more about himself, will it increase a desire to live more authentically? Should I be gearing up for bigger shifts in our relationship? I really don't know how to navigate all this. I love him enough to let him go if that is what he feels he needs. It does hurt sometimes that I love him and am drawn to him and his pull is in a different direction although he really does try to show he cares about me. Any advice or help would be greatly helpful as I learn to navigate this new stage of our relationship. Thanks in advance for any suggestions, thoughts, advice or comments!
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: One week in - figuring out forever together
Hey 171 😊 welcome to our Forum
As the days pass the way forward becomes clearer. The straightspouse situation is like no other and no two people in a r'ship that has strong connection are the same. Can I say time and distance helps? because I know it does. And having family close. And knowing that you can love someone and still be able to disconnect yourself from the history you shared.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: One week in - figuring out forever together
Hi Sunflower, I'm not surprised you are feeling uncertain as to where this is going - look, just to be blunt about it, I think it very likely he wants to trial a separation because he has a boyfriend he wants to try living with.
'monkey branching' - he holds onto you with one hand while he grasps the next branch with his other hand. If it proves unsound, unable to take his weight, he still has hold of you.
And then there's the horror of divorce, you both end up with half as much as you had as a couple. But if things do work out for him and his boyfriend you might not have much choice about it.
Whatever he is up to, and whatever happens about divorce, you are left picking up the pieces of your shattered love life. And painful as it is, I found it a relief compared to not knowing - I was 57 when I realised my ex was gay in denial having been with him all my adult life.
So, glad to hear you have moved near your children and my advice is whatever he is doing, not to focus too much on that, talk to your family as much as you can, protect yourself financially, and go about your own business - that of embracing life anew. You might just end up feeling better than you could have imagined. I have. I remember thinking at the time that I just didn't want my whole life to have been about him.
wishing you the best of luck, Lily
Last edited by lily (July 18, 2025 5:21 pm)