I think it varies for each individual. The list is good. For me, I knew when I had moved on initially, when I stopped taking anti-anxiety medication. I had been on it for the duration of the time I was with my ex wife, 23 years in total. Took 2 weeks before I went off of them once I went no contact. I know I continue to be well because her words, continued gaslighting, childlike behavior have no impact on me. No reaction (other than annoyance occasionally) Focus on yourself, your growth, what you want and you will attract someone similar (if thats what you want). I wasnt looking, but found what I always wanted, but never had.

Cool to see your list, Paul! I agree that it's highly individual.  The connecting theme through many of these milestones seems to be the ability to untie yourself from the person you were married to and to center yourself in your own life. 

I really like your last one, feeling grateful that it happened because you're free.  For me, a major milestone was realizing that I truly was better off without him. 

Similar to Elle, to your list I would add: 
Accepting that I'm never going to get an apology or a decent explanation of what happened. 

Part of my healing is not expecting to ever be completely healed. 


 

Last edited by freedmyself (July 7, 2025 2:37 pm)

Hi Paul,

Sincere congratulations on getting so far down the process of detachment already but don't forget you are still in the thick of it.  

At the moment you are hoping to maintain a cooperative relationship but at the end of the day you are going to be splitting your assets - the partnership is breaking up and it can be brutal.  

The only thing between me and the people I have met who go abused all over again in the divorce is that I was so lucky in getting a good lawyer.  She pointed out to me that he was being both emotionally and financially abusive to me and gave me a figure - this is what the court will award, try to stick to that.  I got pretty close.  But at the end of the day I am leaving a beautiful lamp in the hallway for him so he can feel comforted and he is taking my best linen and putting it on his bed so I wont take it.

.



 

I was lying in bed this morning thinking about this topic and perhaps the most personally relevant milestone, in my own  situation where often there was often a lack of honesty & communication from A....was being able to be totally honest with him and tell him I no longer loved him, no longer wanted to share his bed (or body).

It really was a milestone of strength.

Elle