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1 of 1- Cherrytrees
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Is he gay/bi/dl
I found out that my husband had dating apps behind my back for a few months and also GRINDR. We have been almost 9years together and have 3 children together. I saw some of the messages. Some were really short conversations and nothing much. Some had flirty/sexual tones. I saw one gay sent one picture to him but nothing much happened after that convo. He never met anyone, it was more like flirting behind my back. What makes me wonder is that why would he also download grindr app. Until now he keep saying he is not gay/bisexual he just did it out of curiosity and that he kept talking with all kind of people women, men, trans.. he just wanted to talk to people. Also i found out he's been watching twink gay porn.. he is also watching straight porn though. We have had problems in our marriage but i still never thought it will be like this. He says he is regretting what he did and wants to be with me forever and keeps asking can i forgive him. I don't know what to do, my trust is broken and i keep thinking that is he closeted gay/DL.. already for some time our sex life hasn’t been that good, i always initiate it and he seems lazy about it. I do love him but i don't know. This has also killed my self esteem. What should i do, i am lost and in pain. I hahe cried every day
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Is he gay/bi/dl
Cherrytrees wrote:
......I found out that my husband had dating apps..... I saw some of the messages..... Some had flirty/sexual tones. I saw one gay sent one picture to him....it was more like flirting behind my back....... why would he also download grindr app.....he keep saying he is not gay/bisexual he just did it out of curiosity....he just wanted to talk to people..... he's been watching twink gay porn.
We have had problems in our marriage.....***He says he is regretting what he did and wants to be with me forever and keeps asking can i forgive him***
.... my trust is broken....This has also killed my self esteem....i am lost and in pain. I hahe cried every day
Welcome to our Forum Cherry. Your husband is not straight. And really that's all that matters. You have all the information and instances of proof, now a decision of what you want your future to look like has to come from you.
The bit where he says he regrets and doesn't want to lose you is him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. A man will keep his true sexuality secret until he can be honest about it or until his spouse is strong enough to see it, acknowledge it and make her decisions about her life
not his, because he will keep you in his closet for as long as you allow him to keep you there.
Do you have anybody to talk to face to face about this... family, a friend, a therapist?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Cherrytrees
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Re: Is he gay/bi/dl
......I found out that my husband had dating apps..... I saw some of the messages..... Some had flirty/sexual tones. I saw one gay sent one picture to him....it was more like flirting behind my back....... why would he also download grindr app.....he keep saying he is not gay/bisexual he just did it out of curiosity....he just wanted to talk to people..... he's been watching twink gay porn.
We have had problems in our marriage.....***He says he is regretting what he did and wants to be with me forever and keeps asking can i forgive him***
.... my trust is broken....This has also killed my self esteem....i am lost and in pain. I hahe cried every dayWelcome to our Forum Cherry. Your husband is not straight. And really that's all that matters. You have all the information and instances of proof, now a decision of what you want your future to look like has to come from you.
The bit where he says he regrets and doesn't want to lose you is him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. A man will keep his true sexuality secret until he can be honest about it or until his spouse is strong enough to see it, acknowledge it and make her decisions about her life
not his, because he will keep you in his closet for as long as you allow him to keep you there.
Do you have anybody to talk to face to face about this... family, a friend, a therapist?
Elle
Thank you. Today i opened up about this to my friend.. i don’t have a therapis but i would like to have. I am in shock and i have been literally crying every day and i have to take care of my children
- •
Thread Starter- Alex1984
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Re: Is he gay/bi/dl
Hi Cherry
Sorry to see you on this forum. I would like point out that the main issue here is not that he is (probably) attracted to men, but that he has been keeping secrets from you, isn’t opening up and isn’t initiating intimacy with you.
My husband is bi, and honestly, these days, I can't imagine him being any other way. We are 18 months post-disclosure, so we had the time to work through many initial issues and repair trust. He never cheated, and we always had an active sex life, but just like your husband, he kept his attraction to men hidden. We worked through it, but it's a long and often painful process. It is definitely not for everyone.
Check out my posts in the MOM (mixed-orientation marriage) section and keep communicating with him! If you can get into therapy - it would be very very helpful!
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Is he gay/bi/dl
....Today i opened up about this to my friend.. i don’t have a therapis but i would like to have. I am in shock and i have been literally crying every day and i have to take care of my children
That is a good start. Talking about your situation to somebody else allows you to hear yourself opening up about it and your situation will start to feel real, not something nobody wants to talk about.
Your children need you to be strong. As their mother you have to be, have to separate your role as mother from your role as spouse. It's not easy but I know you can do it.
When I was with my former partner (bisexual) I realised I was codependent, relying on/listening to him and placing trust in him. And to a certain point that's what he gave me, but he always had part of himself that he never wanted to share. I got to a point where I put myself first, which meant separation....which is no easy task.
But I think Cherry you have some reading and talking to people you trust before you make any decisions. Keep yourself well because your role as a mother is, in my opinion, far more important and you need strength.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Ordinary guy
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Re: Is he gay/bi/dl
Sorry to see you on this forum. I would like point out that the main issue here is not that he is (probably) attracted to men, but that he has been keeping secrets from you, isn’t opening up and isn’t initiating intimacy with you.
I would like to point out that the main issue is most definitely that he is attracted to men. That is after all, why Cherrytrees has reached out to this resource for support. Her voice and concerns are her own, and her issues with what has taken place are felt by her alone. It is up to her as to what is, and what is not acceptable in her relationship. Not all gay and bisexual men are as lucky to have understanding and accepting wives as your partner does. Some women do genuinely find the idea of their men being sexually attracted to, or sexually engaged with other men a bit disconcerting or even abhorrent. It can often entirely kill their sexual attraction to them. They certainly don’t need to believe that the issue may lie with their inability to accept latent or active homosexuality in their partner. If they did, they probably wouldn’t be here at all.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.