My husband of 18 yrs decided he was transgender after expierimenting with cross-dressing.

My whole world came crashing down. I couldn't take it anymore. In January of this year I finally broke down and told him that we needed to separate, before the love that I still had for him turned into hate. He's a good person, great Dad and was a great husband at one time, I am trying to hold onto that.

I've read all the books, researched legitimate websites, prayed, been to conferences, tried to be supportive, was labeled the Unicorn wife by all his (CD friends), and foolishly tried to convince myself that we could make it work, thinking that I could change his mind. I mean he had already promised me before that he wouldn't leave me for "her." That I was still his number 1 priority in life besides our children. He couldn't live without me, couldn't not have me in his life and by his side. I clung to those words, searching for every spark of hope and scooping it up. Dangling by a thread, we went to counseling with a pastor - she tried to tell me it wasn't going to work. That I couldn't change who he really was, even if he loved me. I refused to listen. I was adamant that we were different. 

Then it hit me, all at once like a huge pail of ice cold water. I was no longer the love of his life, I was no longer 1st place, "she" was and had been for a long time now. It was mostly little things but the little things started to turn into bigger things until I couldn't avoid the truth staring me in the face anymore. I still don't know which way is up most days. I am just struggling to make it thru each day, one day at a time. We have 5 beautiful kids - the youngest is 2.5 and the oldest is 27. The 3 older are grown and living on their own in another state. We stil have two at home. We  are "separated" in our own home. Legally married but thats as far as it goes. I will be moving into the addition on our house that has been split into my office and a bedroom. Neither wants to uproot the kids and neither can afford to do this on our own. We are military as well (he is active duty). Been with him since before he joined. He's been in therapy for years, military PTSD, civilian PTSD - found out one therapist told him to just live his best life as his female alter ego and basically forget about the family he has at home. I've been facing this for the past 2.5 years partially in denial/partially still hoping for a miracle.

So in solidarity - I am with you. Support coming from another state, another parent, another spouse lost in a tangled web. It's a constant up and down of emotions and I realized the other day I have developed abandonment issues. I am already on medication and have been for years to deal with my own anxiety from PTSD - Depression I had never dealt with until this. That is the devil itself. Do you find yourself trying to put yourself in their shoes? I want to be so mad and angry sometimes, yell and scream but I don't. I keep it all buried inside until it comes pouring out in a stream of tears. I keep asking myself why. What did I do? I never wanted to get married or have kids. I was adamant and made it till I was 25 - then we got pregnant 4 months into dating. When I am angry, really angry I wish he had been forth coming and honest with me from the word go. At least I would have been able to make an informed decision, my own decision on whether or not I could be okay with this life style - prior to commiting to a life with him, but if I had done that then I wouldn't have been around to raise his 3 babies from a previous marriage, 3 wonderful kids that didn't deserve the horror they were going thru with their biological mother and we wouldn't have our youngest. The sweet, spicy little nugget of love that we never knew we needed. The one that completes our family and is adored beyond measure. 

To be continued....