My partner of six years recently came out as transgender (male to female). Upon being told the news, I chose to end the relationship. By the time he came out to me, he had already decided to go on hormone therapy and was preparing for sperm freezing. As a straight, cis-woman, I knew that wasn't the future I envisioned for myself. I wished him luck and love, and left. 

My heart is shattered, and I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact I fell in love with a mask. It feels as though the man I loved never really existed. I am part anger and part absolute devastation.

There were very few warning signs, although looking back, I find more and more of them. He always chose to keep his hair long; he had started experimenting with nail polish about a year ago; he often spoke of how restricting men's clothes were fashion-wise; he wore jewellery that wasn't stereotypically masculine. I always knew he was feminine -- I was, in fact, attracted to it. He was gentle, kind, and genuinely seemed to love me to bits. But I never dreamed he actually felt like a woman.

At the moment (and although he is now my ex-partner), I can't help but fear for him. He has made brash, knee-jerk, decisions before and I wonder if this is one of them: a reflection of his general dissatisfaction with life. I also grieve the loss of a good man, because he was a good man. I grieve the future we were building together and our fond memories. Equally, I want him to be happy. And if becoming 'her' makes him happy, then I can't condemn him: I genuinely believe in trans rights, even if I find this whole situation unbelievable. The thought of him perhaps having surgery one day makes me feel physically ill.

I don't know how to get over the betrayal. We were a young couple, and just a month before he came out to me, he'd taken me on a date and asked if that was the type of place he ought to propose one day. I thought I could trust him, but it turns out he was lying to me all these years (and lying to himself). I feel I showed him all of myself, and he lied to me.

I'd love to know how others who have gone through this story themselves recover and move on without anger. I've already taken strength from reading all your stories. I'm just very curious to know how I might feel this time in a year, because at the moment, everything feels very dark. I'm so embarrassed and don't know how to tell my family or friends: I was a six-year denial phase, and I'm struggling to reconcile with that.

Last edited by dhiver (May 26, 2025 6:10 pm)