Hi Tiggerslife. I'm so sorry for what you've been through and all the questions you want to ask make perfect sense. You're right - nothing can prepare you for this sort of situation. I know exactly what it's like to not be able to get answers to questions when someone betrays your trust. Something that has comforted me (in a weird, sad way) is that even if I was able to ask the questions and get answers, I knew I wouldn't trust the answers ex-partner would give. Who's to say they aren't just more lies, after all the lying he did to me? So whilst I do hope you do get answers one day, please know that you'll be happy and fine one day without them, too. You were someone before you knew him, and you still are. Your happiness is no longer dependent on him or anything he can tell you. Take it hour by hour, day by day

 

"Did you ever really love me" - this is the question that always breaks my heart.

When you see these straight spouses, married and loyal for 20-30 years having to ask themselves if someone ever actually loved them.

I have struggled with this. And some days are better than others. But one thing I have grown very tired of is people telling me oh, he must have loved you at some point. Because, I cannot fathom how you can do this to a person you actually love. Unless you have lived it, you have no idea how it feels. This isn't "growing apart" or changing as you grow older. This is dealing with someone who lied to your face, from the day you met them. Except you were madly in love, lived with them, shared all your biggest fears, and your wildest dreams.

And I can't speak for others, but my GID former husband sure used a lot of that against me during the divorce. He hurt me in ways I didn't even know were possible. The level of cruelty truly took me completely by surprise. And I have no doubt that he did it all on purpose....because he already had a plan, and a second life set up, and had detached from the marriage....so he could just hurl his vitriol in my face and destroy my life....because I was still scrabbling to even identify the pieces of my atom bombed life that I had to start picking up.

I know he never loved me. And it truly fucking sucks to have to live with that realization that I was married to a man for 20 years that never even loved me. I am working on accepting that this had nothing to do with me, and there is nothing I could have done differently, but it is still such a gut crushing experience overall.

One day at a time. And know that you are not alone. I have struggled so hard with the fact that my was-band just walked out and I never saw him in person again. He refused to talk to me. And he was a psychopath through his lawyer for the divorce (so much for his promise to make sure I was taken care of *eye roll* - apparently divorce is 50/50 and I just needed to accept my role in all of this.....oh man, did I have some anger issues after that comment).

It all sucks, but there is a group of us slowly starting to make a voice for ourselves. And standing up for ourselves. And we all deserved better than this *hugs*

So I just literally googled support for spouses that have just discovered their spouse is gay.  This site came up.  I just filed divorce papers this morning as my husband is in a local mental hospital after trying to eat a gun on Friday.  He still hasn't admitted to me but I found everything.  I know he's scared but I really DON"T CARE!  We have 4 adult children that I haven't told.  They know infidelity, just not with who and im not sure i can tell them.  I am lost....I feel like I'm dying.  I've lost 25 lbs over the last 4 weeks and I can't sleep.  I'm not sure I can handle this.  Am I in the right support group?

Tiggerslife,  congratulations on your divorce.  I was so happy to be free after my divorce - I never would have imagined it would feel good, because now I'm no longer subjected to his gaslighting and lying. 

I have, mostly, given up wanting an apology or an explanation, because I know that I'm never getting it.  I have been able to piece together a narrative that makes sense based on a re-interpretation of the past through the new lens of knowing he's gay, and filled in with knowledge about what's typical in the straight spouse/closeted gay spouse experience.   

Time has helped me, and also therapy.  Sometimes I toy with the idea of writing the apology that I'd like to have from him, but I haven't done it yet.  If he apologized, I'm not sure what I would say.  

I agree with the others. You may never get the answers, but time and refocus will help. I am so grateful for this group because it allows you to vent and see that you will get past the stage of wanting the answers! I woke up one day and realized I no longer needed the answers. My job was to move on and pursue my best life! No one is exempt from Karma.

Life can get better! I get to sleep at night because I know I have good intentions. It was not perfect, but I was a good wife! He was deceptive and chose his life and friends over our family. Now, I am truly loved by a man who loves me (after 18 years of marriage, I felt like something was missing but never could put my hand on it until it was ALL revealed in 2019)! I am so glad that I got out!