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1 of 1- Cerro_pelon
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Husband of 10 years recent infidelity gay cruising app
My husband and I have 2 kids together, married for 10 years. Last week while doing household budgeting I found his subscription to “Sniffies” gay cruising app on our shared credit card. I thought it was a false charge then looked on our Apple family account to see that the app was installed in his phone 2 months ago. I also saw a charge for an online doctor. When I confronted my husband with this he proudly said. “I guess this is my way of telling you I’m bisexual”. The doctor was to get a prescription for PreP.
My husband, a nurse at a mental health facility who is also being treated for bipolar, alternates between sensitivity and compassion to ultra-masculine “my way or the highway” attitudes. He blamed bipolar mania for his decision to subscribe to the app and get the medication. He says he hasn’t actually had sex with a man from the app yet but planned to. When I told him I wasn’t ok with him having sex outside of marriage he backtracked and said he isn’t attracted to men. He does want anal sex and domination. We tried strap-on sex in the past but I just wasn’t into it. He started cross-dressing for sex and I became afraid of him initiating because I didn’t want to have to participate in his fantasy. It made me feel unfeminine and unsatisfied because he only wanted his desire fulfilled and left me to take care of myself while he fell asleep after being “serviced” by me. I started avoiding sex. Since he wasn’t getting anal sex at home he went to the app. I figure he must be gay or Bi or else he would have looked for another woman to use a strap-on and dominate him.
At first I was desperate to find a way to think that he wasn’t gay/Bi. My friend pointed out that the issue isn’t that he’s gay but that he cheated.
I’m preparing for divorce because I can’t emotionally take him having sex with someone else. He says he wants to stay married but I don’t think he can stay faithful to me when he wants sex with men. This has made me feel completely undesirable and humiliated.
I’ve told my husband that he needs to figure out who he is. I guess I need to decide who I am too and be brave enough to end this fake marriage. I never wanted to be a single parent. He’s destroyed me and our family.
- Alex1984
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Re: Husband of 10 years recent infidelity gay cruising app
Hi Cero
If the rest of your relationship is fine and worth keeping, could you try couple's and sex therapy? It sounds like you have a kink mismatch, as well as he might possibly be bi/gay. And omg, his delivery of that news... wasn't the best, was it?
I also hope he's in individual therapy. I understand he is bipolar (assume on meds?), but he needs social tools to manage it, too. You can't be the victim of his manic "choices".
In saying all this, living with a mentally ill person is a challenge in itself, even before you complecate it with kinks or bi/homo sexuality. So if you have already made the decision to part ways - you have all the rights to do so. It's not betrayal, you are taking care of your own mental health.
Good luck!
- dhiver
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Re: Husband of 10 years recent infidelity gay cruising app
You're well within your rights to leave him if you can't take it anymore. As your friend said, the issue isn't his sexuality but his intent to cheat and to hide it from you. You're also under no obligation to perform sexual acts that don't turn you on... and if he saw it as you 'servicing' him, then it's no wonder you didn't enjoy it!! If it ws purely anal sex he was after surely he would have raised the issue with you again at some stage (?) but it sounds to me he also wants to explore being with men full stop.
You deserve to feel loved, sexy and appreciated. Not to be betrayed and left wondering if there was anything you could have done to satiate his desires.
No matter what you decide, you can only do the best you have with the information you have at the time. Go easy on yourself.