My friend - so sorry to hear this.my ex did the same, although I never heard her. She used to sneak her gf in through the basement window (grown woman in her 40's). This is after we both agreed no partners allowed in the house and that can wait until we had our own places. It not only shows you great disrespect, but a wanton disregard for you and your mental health as a whole. It is not just selfish, but cruel and unnecessary. This will seem harsh, but I was there before. Someone who does this is not likely to "hash out an agreement". I thought so too, signed and notarized 4 agreements we made, all with lawyers present and she refused to sign them after agreeing. When confronted she said "it seemed odd you agreed to whatever I asked for". Over 50K later and the day of court, she had no other recourse but to sign. 

My point in sharing this is, for those who come out late and have the emotional capacity and intelligence to do the right thing do not act in the way she is acting toward you. PLEASE STOP listening to anything she says and only look at what her actions are, that will tell you everything you need to know. 

Good luck mate, it does get better, but only after you go through it and work on yourself. We are all rooting for you.

Uk_male589 wrote:

I don’t feel like I have anything to gain by telling anyone. And I don’t want to make things difficult for her whilst we’re still living together and co parenting the kids. She didn’t ask me to not tell anyone, although that is what she wants. It was my choice to tell her that I had no intentions of telling anyone.

After not talking to each other for a few weeks, we had a good chat last night and cleared the air. I’ve explained that it’s not what she did or who she did it with that has hurt me, but the fact that it was in our marital home that we’re all still living in, and the fact that I ended up inadvertently hearing them having sex. I really wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

Yes - the agreement we hammered out by exchanging emails did not hold but it remained a good basis to continue on from.  I conceded more and then more but managed to stay reasonably close to what my lawyer said.  

It's not just the money.  I have met and spoken with people who got done over in the divorce and it's a whole another arena of hurt feelings apart from recuperating from the marriage they are struggling both financially and emotionally with being treated badly in the divorce.

Blackie thank you for saying don't listen to what she is saying pay attention to what she is doing - that is the feeling I am getting too - she is playing him.  

I went through a phase where I tried to figure out a timeline, and what happened when, and what was he doing.  I think it's normal. I had to work really hard to finally realize that he's literally Never, Never, Never going to tell me the truth about his Gay Awakening. 

I, too, feel like I have no idea who this guy is post-disclosure.  I don't know about lesbians, but for gay men, it's really common for them to go through a second adolescence after spending so much of their life in the closet.  My gay ex is unrecognizable to me - which is very weird, because who was I married to? An imaginary person? I don't think that question will every be answered, either. 

If you don't have any intention of talking to your friends/family about this, would you consider therapy perhaps?  My therapist has been an enormous blessing - I'd highly recommend therapy if it's a possibility for you. 

Wow Lily! More similarities in our stories that I did not know. I met my ex at 19 and when all this went down I was 42 and had no idea who I truly was/used to be. It came back quickly as I realized I too, was married to a projection, someone I wanted her to be but she never could....and you are SPOT ON! The behavior, the manipulation is all designed to frustrate and create doubt so you don't tell others who they really are, that is what most of these people really fear, being outed, not as gay per se, but as manipulative, conniving individuals who use others. Great post.  

lily wrote:

The gay thing had happened, I had worked out he was gay in denial and then I saw how manipulative he was - a puppet master, he stood in the shadows and just used a little bit of himself to interact with me - I had been talking with, I had been married to a sock puppet!  what a secondary shock that was.

The next step was to listen and learn what he really wanted and was manipulating me to get.  That put me in a position where I could negotiate my release.  sorry divorce I mean.  The linchpin to gaining his agreement to divorce was me tacitly agreeing not to out him.  That's how touchy the closet is - I reckon I escaped through the keyhole.

But let's go back to that moment I realised he was gay in denial.  I had learned about gay-in-denial on this forum, it was late at night and I was alone downstairs in front of the computer,  I went to stand up and just fell to the floor.  I couldn't get up I lay there and it wasn't til I'd promised myself I'd speak up that I was able to get up.  The exact thought I had was he can do what he likes but I am going to speak up.  It was a moment of pure self-preservation.

I'd already stopped talking with him.  I stayed off Facebook, I did not talk to his family or friends, but I talked to mine.  I talked to a counsellor, I talked to a taxi driver, a doctor, a complete stranger I met at the airport.  More than one stranger.  They were all good, none of them broke my confidence, but the best person was an old friend who could remind me of who I was before I met my ex at age 19.  I said to him that I thought I'd always been quiet and not very brave and he set me straight.   

Much as you might want to stay silent for a number of reasons, valid ones, do you think you might also be wanting to stay silent because you have been groomed to protect her closet?  

 

I am sorry my friend. However, you likely can not see it now, but this is wonderful to get to this point/truth at this stage, vs. the uncertainty. You now see her for who she is and I promise, you wont be able to unsee it. You can build up from here. We are all rooting for you. None of us were perfect partners, but none of us deserved this type of betrayal, remember that. You're clearly a good dad. Focus on that and yourself. Not so you can snag someone else, but so you can build you self esteem. I had no idea how incredibly low mine was. 

Be well. Hold the line, it gets better. You're in the thick of it. 
PS I am still disgusted by my ex to this day, although it has no impact on me. I just keep contact to the bare minimum

Uk_male589 wrote:

So things have moved on a bit now.

Oddly both her and her friend asked me to send them a copy of the audio I heard. This set off alarm bells as I knew there was something on there they didn’t want me to hear. It was the words “like last time”. I confronted her about it, and she once again kept saying this was the one and only time they’d slept together. I persevered and eventually she cracked and said it wasn’t. So multiple times. In our family home. I also eventually managed to get her to admit to meeting up with her friend the day after I’d caught them. She’d left us at home to go do the food shopping, but again, I knew that wasn’t right.

For me, this was the point where I realised all hope was lost. I owe it to my children to preserve some form of a relationship with their mother, but it needs to be the minimum. There was someone else involved who I’d not given much thought to, and that was the partner (also female) of the woman my wife was sleeping with. So yesterday I messaged her and told her what I knew. The ‘friend’ had intercepted my first message, but eventually we managed to get through. She’d had suspicions for a number of weeks, and like me she’d been lied to multiple times. Eventually she was told that they’d slept together once, but I corrected her on that with what I knew.

I’m stuck for the next 20 weeks whilst the divorce process takes place. She disgusts me everytime I see her, but I can’t move out until the divorce is completed. I always regarded her as a genuinely good person, and a brilliant mother. My thoughts on that have now significantly changed.