lily wrote:

Thanks, Elle.  

Alex, 
I am not misinformed and I am not being offensive.  So here's another of my views which you have probably read before but here it is anyway - though the sense of deception is the same as for anyone else when a bisexual spouse wakes up to the fact that they are married to a bisexual spouse, the relationship is not the same dynamic as it is when one of the spouses in a MOM is straight.  The relationship between a bisexual and a straight has the straight in a very vulnerable position and generaly we find ourselves getting the short end of the stick.

I would like to address this statement (without ill intent).

I am straight in a marriage with a woman, whom if we weren't married would only date and pursue other women. I don't know if that makes her lesbian or bi or a "Lostandconfused1234-sexual". But what I can say is that she makes an effort to make our marriage work. She is meeting me halfway and is committed to monogamy just as I am. I took a long inventory of who I am and what I want and decided that I do not want an open relationship and I'm not ok with her pursuing other people (gender doesn't matter in this context). But I am aware that this can be somewhat selfish of me and that she is making a sacrifice too. I can't be with a woman who truly desires the male form, and she cannot be with the gender that she gravitates to. But the upshot is that we stay with a person who we know better than anyone else and have the comfort and security that comes along with that. We both win and we both lose.

I say all this to say, I disagree (cordially). I don't believe that straight spouses have it worse than a bisexual who's spouse just disclosed. There's fear of the spouse finding another if they haven't already. Betrayal can still happen and it still sucks regardless of how sexually fluid you are. Betrayal trauma and PTSD is real.

I don't know what the future holds for our marriage and it could very easily go south. But I can't operate in the what ifs. I have to look at my wife and my marriage for what they actually are. If she wasn't making an effort or if she were continually pursuing others, it would be a different story.

I would say to David, be strong, and be vigilant. There are always signs that we choose to ignore, but if we are able to recognize them, then we can be ready. Don't let fear guide your decision making, but don't let love completely blind you either. There are many viewpoints in this site and others and I would encourage you to compare your situation to see how well they align before seriously considering advice (even my own).

What an amazing post, Lost! This grind really makes us better and stronger people - when we choose to grow.

And Lily, I'm not sure why you decided to compare the bi/bi vs straight/bi couple dynamic? Are you hinting that I am, too, bisexual and that I somehow have it easier? I have seen you address similar comments to me before - so let me set the record straight (pun intended.. lol).

1) I am not bi, never identified as bi, never pursued women. I can admire a beautiful woman, but I would not have any desire to (ahem) touch her private parts. I made out with a girl in my teens and it was.. well.. uninspiring. My husband and I once went to a strip club in Vegas before we were married. A woman offered us a lap dance. As she was dancing she asked me if I liked her boobs. They were very nice boobs and I said I did. She then went on telling me where she had them done and how amazing her surgeon was (while still dancing). She then offered me to touch them to see "how natural they felt". I did and they did feel natural. The most arousing in this experience for me, however, was NOT the action of examining another woman's boobs, but watching my husband melt into a hot puddle on the couch next to me from watching this scene. He had a hard-on for the rest of the night. So no, I am not bi, and no he is not gay. At least that night he wasn't. Definitively. 

And it hurts him deeply when people throw "bi=gay" at him - it's like a big part of him is being erased.

2) I probably do have it easier - NOW. I don't think I had it any easier when the bombshell went off. I think what helped me make it easier is living in the moment and assessing whether or not my needs are satisfied today - without thinking about what might come tomorrow. Also taking a lot more care of myself - reconnecting with friends, hitting the gym, taking up new hobbies - all the things I post about. Looking at how much others have struggled - I got a post-nup. I gently insisted on coming-out and being open with family and friends. I don't have to lie. I don't have to pretend. I'm in a pretty awesome place right now. I have other options (as in other men, willing to pursue, date, and have sex with me), but I choose my husband because every day he is proving to me that he is absolutely worth it and better than any other option. Not every bi husband is like him. He may not be that great forever, but for now I will be enjoying what I have - unapologetically. I worked hard and went through a lot of pain and growth to get here.

A brief update on my situation is that today I had my first therapy session and I think it went really well. I had a good vibe about the therapist and I think it'll be good to work with him. This is a big step for me, I've always fought against therapy but I'm finding myself excited to be getting help now when I need it most.

I also got in touch with someone from OurPath and hopefully I'll be attending the next in person meeting locally when it happens in a few weeks. Just being able to talk to someone on the phone and in person today about this felt so freeing.

My wife and I have started talking more and more openly in the last few days. Our communication has long needed work, and I'm feeling a lot better about things just by being able to get answers to questions directly from her rather than have the possibilities rattling around in my head. There's been lots of hard moments, and I'm definitely on an emotional roller coaster, but it feels like an improvement.

I appreciate all the thoughts and advice from you all in this thread. I didn't intend to trigger an argument, and I appreciate all the different viewpoints. There's so many experiences you've all had, and it helps me a lot to see that while trying to navigate the fog of my own situation here. I feel very lucky so far that, despite that bomb that dropped on my marriage I'm in a far less painful place than so many other folks have had to deal with. I can't know if my wife really is bisexual or even exactly what that would mean for her if it's true, but I'm moving forward and trying to stay in the moment and rediscover myself.

David,

So sorry your living the horribleness of TGT.. are they meeting a friend for a drink and to catch up..or is it a date?  Are they shopping or having sex?  Why should you have to wonder?



To me it doesn't matter if they are gay, bi, green alien.   It's a matter of trust and fierce loyalty.  The anxiety we experience sure isn't that or love.  The anxiety can eat you up ..I needed medication.

In regards to your "she holds all the cards" statement..I can relate..I could not get over how my GX thought herself a god, in full control of everything.    They are not..maybe the marriage but not us or the world.   The world should revolve around them but they are forfeiting that the moment they hurt us.

Next time she tells you about her "little voice".. ask her what she wants you to do with that. Are you suppose to cry and say thank you for not acting on it and honoring the basic agreement of our marriage?  Tell her she is hurting you.   Why does she feel its ok to hurt you...

Wishing strength and stoic self love.

Last edited by Rob (May 23, 2025 5:44 am)

"I'm sure from this list you would think infidelity occurred. I'm not oblivious to that fact, but what I can say is that I have no hard evidence to prove otherwise. "

It's like my sculpture, David.  He wasn't the first one to come down.  At the time there was nowhere in my lexicon that could encompass the idea that it was a deliberate act of sabotage.  It wasn't til after I was divorced that I was able to wonder if it was.  There is no evidence.  But now that I've thought of it, it makes sense to me.  At the time, I mean there they are in a closed room and overnight they fall down?  ??  Inevitably I blamed myself, I must have done something wrong in the building.  And the first one yes, I had finished at the ankles before finishing up above and it had cracked I'd had to mend at the ankles several times so you know I could easily imagine it breaking again in the shifting that happens as the clay dries.  But the second one?  solid as a rock I thought.  it bothered me I could see no reason for it to happen but you know the last one, David, he was well there was just no way he was coming down.  So when I go in that morning and see him on the ground it put a real dint in my confidence - now I can only think my assessment was correct, he really was that strong, it must have taken a real shove to knock him down.  No evidence.  

Sorry Lost, but when you say she disclosed during a second adolescence that sounds like a red flag for an affair to me - one that has hit her emotionally - enough to make her think.  

Me I think fantasy matters, it's like its the bridge between physical and emotional - I only want to have sex with a man who fantasises about having sex with me as much as I do with him.