Hi Blue,

I'm impressed, that is such a calm and succinct description of your situation.  We know what a massive shock it is here because of being through it as well - a new piece of information that changes your past as well as your future.  It takes a while to absorb.

I was 19 when I got together with my ex and 57 when I realised he was GID - gay in denial, it's a thing, it's the reflective sheen on a closet and it's a large slice of the population who live like that.  Is it fair to ask you to stay?  no of course not.  It wasn't fair to use you like that in the first place.

Ask me what I think and I think bisexual is a modern term for gay In denial.

You need some time to take it all on board, you are living with someone who has lied to you, who lies to you about who he is and who you are and kept you in the dark, he has cheated you out of having a life of your own hasn't he - I know that's how I felt.

I spent quite a bit of time standing under the shower or curled up on my bed allowing my feelings to wash over me.

It took some time to get divorced, he didn't want to get divorced either.  It turned out that he didn't mind losing me, it was the money he was emotional over but the thing that mattered the most, even more than money was his closet.  He loves his closet, he is wedded to it like a hermit crab to its shell.  Unlike the hermit crab who just picks up an uninhabited shell, it was me, a living breathing human being he was using for his own ends.  And he was the same again in the divorce process, I was grateful to have a good lawyer who really helped me.

So right now my suggestion is to look for people you can confide in.  wishing you all the best, Lily



 

Hi Blue, 
Welcome, and I'm sorry you're here.   Also sorry to report that feeling "humiliated, angry, sad, anxious and empty" is a good description for how it feels a couple of days post-disclosure.  This is a bizarre experience, and even though we all have different details, it's surprising what we tend to have in common with each other.  

So - you're not alone. 

You're right - completely not fair to ask you to stay in the relationship.  Pre-disclosure, my now-XGH was really difficult to live with.  Big negative impact on my sense of self-worth.  Yet I stayed, because we were married and had kids and I had all these reasons I had in my head for what was wrong (none of them were because he was gay).  Once he came out to me, we were through.  

Now we're divorced and it's so, so much better for me.  That's my resolution. 

It's taken a lot of work on my part to be on solid ground.  And it's been far more rewarding to work for my own better emotional health than all the efforts I put in to stay with someone who hid himself, lied, and gaslit me. 

Lily is 100% correct - find people to confide in. 
Therapy helped me tremendously.  A huge part of me being solid is due to my awesome therapist. 
Talk to a lawyer. 
Spend some quiet time with yourself deciding what YOU want.  
For me, self-care helped greatly. 

Please be gentle with yourself, too.  It's easy for part of you to feel like you should have known, even though it was never our job to detect their secret sexuality - it was theirs to disclose to us.   

Last edited by freedmyself (May 19, 2025 8:44 pm)

Sending a sincere e-hug.   Cause I know these spouses do not give them..not the sincere kind.

Read the first aid kit and breath. You did nothing wrong and should feel no shame.  You gave fierce  absolute love.   He gave ???

Wishing you strength and stoic self love.