Frodo - As I'm reading your story I had a couple thoughts, here's my two cents:

If she's deceitful I would be out of the marriage (many spouses have known their whole lives but chosen to lie and therefore subject their spouse to an abusive situation)

If she's just now being attracted to women and wanting to pursue that... well I wondered with my ex husband, if he all the sudden wondered what it was like to fuck a blonde would I be ok with him looking at blonde porn?  Fantasizing about blondes?  Talking to blondes just to see if there was chemistry? Opening the marriage to see if he was more fulfilled with fucking blondes?  And I was willing to be the door mat if it didn't really work with blondes and the one to hold the family and life together for everyone to think we were still "perfect?"  Or was he going to be all in our marriage still and make it work no matter his sexual identity?  Or had he always been gay and was deceitful our entire marriage - in which case see to point number one.

In my case, it came out (ha) that he had been fucking men in public bathrooms, parking lots etc... for who knows how long and that he was selfish beyond comprehension.  After repeated infidelity (and my genuine forgiveness) and deceit and STD testing and broken promises, I could not remain married to him.  He was not in any sense the man I married or the father to my children.

I can see a MOM working for you if she is all in, if she is honest, if you are honest about what you want and you both can find a way to have a sexually gratifying relationship as well as the intimate day to day life that's full and meaningful.  It could be something that brings you closer, having someone love you even with your quirks and the ugly things no one else knows is amazing, someone to share your struggles and fears and dreams with.  Someone to confide your deepest desires and laugh about the craziness of life. 

If your wife wants to pursue a different life, I'd take every step you can to protect your kids and your assets from the fallout of the "adolescence" stage many gay spouses go through.  One thing I wish I had done when my exhusband was still saying the right things as far as he would take care of me and the kids:  get a post marital agreement drawn up by an aggressive, experienced divorce attorney and signed as soon as possible.  "I want to make this work but am scared of what it might mean for the future. I just need to know that it will be ok in case it doesn't work"  Then it is all decided prior to the blow up and emotions and the hell that can come with divorce.

Keep us posted -
"Marie"

Edit:  Be specific in your conversations about what you want.  My husband wanted to open the marriage and have threesomes.  When I asked him to walk me through exactly how he envisioned it going it was really just me giving him permission to fuck a man while I basically sat in the corner with popcorn.  Uh, yeah, NO.  Being sexually attractive and wanted is extremely important to most people, be honest with your own desires and needs.  It's easy to default to taking care of your spouse (appropriate in most cases) and not prioritize yourself.  
 

Last edited by MarieSmith (March 26, 2025 9:06 pm)

Thanks Elle, Marie, and Alex for sharing your perspective.  My wife and I are still at the early stage of trying to talk about what this means for our relationship.  We've been monogamous for the entirety of our marriage thus far.  I haven't asked yet if her newly discovered sexuality means that she would like to switch to an open marriage, but your responses makes me feel like we need to have that conversation sooner rather than later.  Certainly I can see how some of the things she's said since she came out to me suggests that that may be what she wants.  Is it unrealistic to expect that a MOM can stay monogamous?  I didn't think an MOM necessarily meant that the marriage was open, but I can imagine that's more common.  I can understand that after a lifetime of suppressing ones sexuality, once one has decided to embrace it, they would naturally feel compelled to explore it.

I'm not sure how I feel about the idea of an open marriage, but my initial reaction is that it is unlikely to work well between us.  As I've mentioned, we've struggled throughout our marriage with sexual intimacy, and I have a hard time believe that that could improve by opening up the marriage.  After being monogamous for so long, I feel like there would be too many feelings of jealousy and/or guilt, certainly on my part and perhaps for her as well.

I don't know if it's still the same but in France they used to have a law called crime of passion - kill your business competitor and it's murder, kill your wife's lover and it's a crime of passion.  I always rather liked that.  

Feeling jealous over your spouse can be very painful, just naturally you want to keep them happy but if your spouse isn't who they said they were then you just might find that you have a change of heart as the news hits home.  I know I did.

Monogamous pair bonding is not just the way of many humans, it's the same in a number of species isn't it.  There's a pair of rosellas who come to my verandah for a feed most days, they are so funny to watch.  They both agree she gets priority but there he is, she is feeding and he is keeping guard and you know who should complain if he takes a bit of seed every so often, well she rounds on him tells him right off, and he goes oh okay and stands straight again.  but then the next minute she is making room and asking him to please feed more.  Somehow you just know that if one of them dies the other will grieve.

It's based in romantic love isn't it.

 

Last edited by lily (March 28, 2025 5:09 pm)