Lack of trust after my 38 years with a man attracted to men is, at 66, a mountain I'm not even interested in trying to climb.
I put all my energy into my family and my future...which won't have a significant other in it.
And I'm okay with that.

Elle

Hi Anna,  I hope the new r’ship keeps staying positive for you and that you can trust your gut with the new guy.  The waiting for 5 years thing for marriage could just be understandable caution in later life as opposed to being unable to commit?

Last edited by Jupiter1 (March 25, 2025 10:35 pm)

Jupiter1 wrote:

Hi Anna, I hope the new r’ship keeps staying positive for you and that you can trust your gut with the new guy. The waiting for 5 years thing for marriage could just be understandable caution in later life as opposed to being unable to commit?

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, he is being cautious but he had also waited five years to marry his ex wife and that didn't work out.  And I was very young and we got engaged very quickly, married 1.5 years later....and that didn't work either!

We are working on the relationship of course and have a great time together, have great compatibility, etc. - we are both very happy.

I know my anxiety is triggered by just being in a relationship, which is common and i am not going to stay single to avoid that trigger and healing process.  I need to sort out if it is the anxiety that is causing me to feel insecure, or if it is my gut instincts, telling me he isn't going to commit to me.
 

Rob wrote:

My feeling is life is short. And things are relative. No one even if I married them and they turned gay me.. no one could hurt me as much as my GX.


Do you see any signs your new guy capable of your previous hurt? I wouldn't say being married brings anymore assurances of fierce loyalty and faithfulness after what we've been through...cant use marriage as a gauge. Talk of growing old together yeah.

Tell him your anxiety and take it a day at a time. It sounds like you found a good guy.

Thank you...you bring up interesting points.

I know he is not trans, for sure. so in this exact regard, he couldn't hurt me in the same way, no.

I think my anxiety comes from a somewhat twisted sense of security from my marriage. My former spouse was loyal to me within our relationship, never cheated on me or was interested in finding someone else, etc., we were each other's first and only sexual partners and we both took that very seriously. I had told myself that yes, spouse is trans, but at least I can trust them to not cheat on me. That was the foundation of my thought process during our entire marriage. I never cheated on them either. We were very committed to each other in this way.

So now, that I am in a relationship with someone who has had several partners over the years and we don't have that bond of being in a marriage, my anxiety tells me, he doesn't want to get married because he wants to be 'free and technically single' and will keep looking around for someone better.   He sees the fact that we are living together as the commitment. I see it as 'part of' a commitment, but easy enough to walk away from.

I do agree, life is short...which is also why I want to 'be married' - I feel like that is a very important bond and step in a relationship...the relationship doesn't end with marriage, but it provides a safety net in which to build on, if that makes sense.




 

Hi AnnaB,
I understand about having to trust again. I think about dating, and then I go, nah, not worth it, what if he's gay. But I don't want to live the rest of my life like that. I think I'll get over that in time, and if I choose to date again, I'll be okay. Things are still fresh.
As for trust - the #1 person I have to trust is me. I know what a healthy relationship looks like now, and I have to trust myself that I will leave if it isn't healthy for me.
Good luck!

Anon 765