findingmyvoice wrote:

.....If it were even a little questionable whether he just desires men and is using me as a beard, it would be so much easier to just leave.

I appreciate your response. In the last few weeks he's backed off the needing me to be sexually attracted to his sexuality and moved to "I just want to feel that attraction and desire from you for me". Which feels like rephrasing what he wants or moving the goal posts to me.
 He's been doing more of the actions I've asked to meet my needs.....but it doesn't feel like it's coming from an actual organic place


It feels like he's just doing these things for us to start having sex again, and I'm not into that. He even low-key said (only 4 days after we set up specific changes to make) that he's the "only one trying" in this relationship. Because I'm not trying to jump his bones every chance I get.


I feel like this is over. He's more concerned about his needs and doesn't care how I play into that, but he twists it as if I've been the most selfish one. At this point its just figuring out logistics, I think.

 

Finding...you're in the most tricky/awkward part of the Mindfuck. The decision. Your decision. And does it really matter if he wants sex with a man, a woman or any combination of the two?
He's realising he will lose you unless he shows you that he's not the person you think he is....so is coming off insincere but still willing to put the blame on you for his insincerity? 

When I was at the end of this part of my 'uncoupling' there were many times I wanted to tell my partner what I was thinking, planning but I found it best to stay silent and let him do all the work. That may sound petty but for me it was a survival tactic. I simply needed him to acknowledge that 'something' was happening to our r'ship and to make the right moves, say the right words. But he didn't see that anything was wrong. As long as I wasn't emotional or snarky or pissed off he thought everything was rosy !@#$%^
(I will say though that we were no longer intimate which made my path forward easier because that intimate tie we have with our SO is difficult to cut)

Elle
 

Jupiter1 wrote:

This coupling versus uncoupling is so tricky. It sounds like you are making a very fraught situation work as best as you can for the sake of the children. I don’t like how he’s pressuring you though to be desirous toward him. Clearly his focus is not simply on making you feel comfortable and desired.

 
This is no longer tricky once a woman  can clearly see what is actually happening. When a man is trying to live 2 lives....and does NOT want to share the 'other' life with the woman he says he loves he'll do everything, employ as many tactics, appear to acquiesce,
gaslight her, be dismissive.... anything to keep the other side of him  to himself. Having a young family only adds to the distress.

But once the clouds of confusion and emotion are gone, once Finding is able to separate her role as a mother and her role as partner to a man who is attracted to men maybe she can be angry enough to see the unfairness of her situation.
These men use sex as a tool to keep us meek, to make us think it's our job to keep them happy.

I'll say it again... the day I said "I no longer want sex with you" was the day I stopped feeling like I had no say in my future.

Elle