L&L:
  I understand completely about the feeling you're "at war with" yourself, as I also felt that way about my now-ex, who was trans-identified.  I also remember the feeling of worrying that he would surround himself with others who were trans-identified, and my own life would as a consequence be ruled by his transness.  In fact, soon after he first made his announcement he believed himself to be "a woman in a man's body," I told him I wanted a divorce because one reason I didn't want to be married to a trans woman was that I thought my life and our life together would end up revolving around his transness.  (I stayed for three years, half of that entirely in his closet; for the final eighteen months, I told a friend, found this forum and starting posting, and found other sites for women in our situation, as well).  

 Your reaction to your husband's changes are entirely natural.  The man you fell in love with and married is changing before your eyes, so of course you are reacting to those changes, especially as the effect of the estrogen and of his clothing and behavioral choices are not simply changes in his style, but changes in the way he perceives himself and wants to be perceived.  I told my husband that his maleness was integral to my falling in love with him, and for him to disown and disavow his maleness was painful for me.  

Your husband is likely to continue to redefine how he feels about himself as he dresses more and immerses himself more in the TQ community, so you should expect that the position he currently holds about what he feels, how he will want to "express" himself, and whether he stays closeted will change.  You may also find that he will redefine your sexuality to match the one he decides is his new one.   That means you will be in the unenviable position of not knowing what's coming, not standing on firm ground, always waiting for the next step or pronouncement.  You need to be able to talk to a friend, a family member, and a therapist.  

I hope you will find a therapist for yourself, one who can help you negotiate your own feelings and help you sort out what you want, and support you.  And I don't mean someone who will push you to "accept" your husband's changes and suppress your own feelings and doubts.

Here's one thing I wish I'd known or realized when I made the decision not to leave: as much as I wanted to help, accept, and accompany him on his journey, it was his.  He had to figure it out for himself. In fact, my staying made it more difficult for him to face the reality, because he had me and our marriage to "fall back on."  I represented the safety of the known, but also the thing from which he most wanted release--he didn't want to be my husband, to be a husband at all, or a man, and so I was also a cause for him to feel resentment.  He wanted my approval for his changes, and I couldn't give that, because I didn't want him to change.  I wanted him to be happy, but his happiness required my unhappiness.  

I did not have young children at the time (our son was an adult), which makes your situation more difficult.  I do hope that you will consider their need for stability as you make your decisions.  (It may be that living with you will be less disruptive than living in a household in which their father is in a volatile state and you are constantly in reaction mode to his changes.)  

I'm so sorry you need to be here, but there are people here who understand.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 16, 2025 11:08 pm)

OutofHisCloset wrote:

L&L:
  I understand completely about the feeling you're "at war with" yourself, as I also felt that way about my now-ex, who was trans-identified.  I also remember the feeling of worrying that he would surround himself with others who were trans-identified, and my own life would as a consequence be ruled by his transness. 

You hit the nail on the head here! I think that's one of the things I'm most worried about, I don't want my life to be ruled by his transness. I don't want to be married to a trans woman, or a woman in general. I feel things already shifting within myself and it makes me so sad. I hate him for waiting until we got married to do this. It feels like he literally baited and switched me, we were together for 10 years before we got married and he never mentioned it once until months after our wedding.
I want him to be happy within his body but I still have doubts that this is the way to do that. I feel like transition and gender affirming care is being pushed on him (and other vulnerable people) instead of trying to understand and treat the root cause. But what do I know?
My husband has always been so open about his feelings so getting this news was a complete shock and felt like it came out of nowhere. Now it seems like it's always the topic of conversation. It's all about what he needs and wants, and I'm just.. here. It's always "I'm gonna ___ is that okay?"
I have so much other stuff going on in my life between caring for our kids, working and finishing my degree in clinical psychology, that I really don't have time for dating or getting another divorce. I think for me right now, the best thing financially is to stay, but it's going to be hard emotionally. I don't want to date again and struggle to make ends meet, that's where I was when I met him 11 and a half years ago. This is all just so disappointing and not where I thought this relationship (or my life) was going.
The worst part is he makes me feel like I'm worrying for nothing. He says we're still gonna grow old together, swears he doesn't want to become a woman or change his name or pronouns, but I'm pretty sure that's the direction this is going. He thinks I should be able to get used to his new look because he's still the same on the inside. But.. it doesn't feel to me like he is. He's constantly complaining and acts like everything that happens is on purpose (ex. The kids don't wash his lunch containers well enough and leave them greasy just bc its him, his coworker purposely doesn't clean up after herself to piss him off, our neighbor parks crooked bc she hates him, etc). I'm so over it.
Thank you for the warm welcome, it really helps to know I'm not alone in this experience!! I appreciate your input

Hi Lost and Lonely,

My husband came out as trans one year ago. I had already decided to leave him because of years of emotional abuse, he told me because he thought it would make me stay for some reason. I guess it did - I thought that maybe things would change, he was finally being honest and vulnerable, maybe this was a chance for us? Turned out nope, he was the same person he always was. I made the decision to leave. I have 3 young kids. It was/is horrible, but it's the best decision I ever made. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and if you feel like leaving is the best decision for you and your kids, it is possible. Hard but possible. Yes, I have suffered financially and I have lost my kids 50% of the time. But I am still happier than I would have been if I stayed. I am a better mom than I would have been if I stayed. I know it's scary, deep breaths, protect yourself - if you decide to stay, see if a postnuptial agreement is possible. You got this.