I want to start this post off by saying I truly believe my bf is gay, but every time i try to talk about it with him, he shuts me down immediately and says I can’t “use things he’s told me against him” and makes me feel crazy.

We’ve been together 2 years. When we first started dating, I could tell he was very shy at sex. I thought maybe he was just inexperienced or nervous and I figured it would work out over time. Eventually I noticed a pattern that he could get hard and seemed like he was very into it, but he couldn’t finish and always said he had jerked off earlier before I came over. It seemed weird to me because why would you do that if you have a real person to be with? I had multiple discussions with him, that he had to be more giving in bed and tried to get him to open up to me sexually so we could have a better connection.

Well.. he did. Eventually he starts opening up to me and tells me he really wants me to peg him. I was upfront and told him I probably wouldn’t do it. But he kept going through phases of being distant and then say he’s depressed but didn’t know why. Eventually I gave in and pegged him, because he thought it might help with his confusion and he said it was better to get it from me rather than sleeping with a random man. It seemed like the obsession grew more and more. He always asks to go to gay clubs, especially if we are away from home, one time he was actually complaining to me, his GIRLFRIEND, that no men had approached him or flirted with him at the club…yet of course I was the bad guy for bringing up that it made me feel bad. He always wants to talk about big dicks while we’re having sex. He wants to watch me get gang  banged by “really big ones”. Saying things like we should get a male friend with benefits. He never respects my boundaries on these things, he is always trying to talk me into things or convince me it’s my own idea. He would always want to do “girly” things with me, or have “girls nights” and I would let him embrace his feminine side more with me.There’s so much more that happened but I’m so scared of him finding out I told someone, but I can’t just keep keeping these things in, I feel so alone.

I’ve talked to him about it so many times but he ends up making me feel so crazy and bad. I feel even worse because I feel like I’m keeping this huge secret as well. I feel stupid for even typing this out because looking back it’s so CLEAR, everything he’s been doing. I just feel bad because I truly do love him. I don’t want him to be gay. I look at him and I see someone so broken and so hurt who has to run away from themselves forever and I just tried so hard to help but I’m starting to realize I can’t. I was accepting of everything, I would always try things I didn’t truly want to so he didn’t feel like a freak for wanting it. I just wanted him to feel accepted and loved but I feel like he just refused to see it. We argue so much now, there’s so much resentment built, I’m starting to realize I can’t stay here.

He makes it so hard to break up with him. Blowing up my phone with calls and texts, coming to my house. texting friends or family, if I block him he will find another way to contact me. When he does finally get to talk to me after and argument or me trying to break up, he just goes back and forth from screaming at me, making me seem like a bad person, and then apologizing saying he loves me blah blah. He won’t accept any reason for breaking up. Of course I never say the real reason, that he is gay and that is why he treats me like shit. I’m scared to tell him this. I’m scared to break up with him and he goes back to being so lonely and nobody knowing him. I’m scared of sticking it out and staying with him and one day he wakes up and decides to leave me for a man. I’m scared that he would hurt himself and I would feel so guilty. I feel so alone and depressed in my life, like nobody knows what I’m going through. I don’t know how to cut him out of my life for good or why I even feel bad for someone who has shown me no respect or care time and time again.