People with ASD can present as asexual and emotionless. Think Sheldon Cooper character from the Big Band Theory. That, in turn, can look very similar to a person in denial about their sexual preferences.

Shay, you will never "diagnose" someone as being gay. If you catch him with a man or watching gay porn with a hard-on - this would be an indication that he is attracted to guys. Still, not nessecarily gay! You and your husband really need to work on your communication. It's going to be hard for him being on autistic spectrum, but there is no way around it. I think you also have a lot of gaps to cover in how you communicate with him. If both of you don't work on your communication, I don't see how you can have a fulfilling marriage. It will take courage starting to open up to each other and both of you will most definitely get hurt. That's the only way through, unfortunately.

Given everything you outlined I would look into general couples therapy, as well as sex therapy. You seem to have very different sex drive and different things that turn you on and it has been a challenge for you. All of it can be worked through, but it's not going to be easy and both meed to be committed.

Good luck!

Personally, I think it's disingenuous to say that autistic spouses act like GID spouses. I would rather look at it as your husband is autistic, and he may be GID. They are two entirely different things. Just like a lot of GID spouses seem to have narcissistic personality traits. Maybe there is a link, maybe there isn't. But they are still different entities.

Thanks for the replies and the ones asking questions, Id have to write a book on each one, ive fought hard for a long time for this relationship, read books to him, initiatie discussions, play podcasts, have arranged dr appts, given therapists, taken him to my own dr for a mental health evaluation and she literally walked him to another office for help.... Hes not taken up on any of it. I can lead, but cant make the man do anything, Im in therapy myself, Im in support groups of several types, Im pretty much in a detachment and acceptance stage right now and no longer trying to get him to talk. Yes obviously communication is a problem, but not on my end, I cant make someone talk who gaslights me, or gives me utter silence in return. Often replies I get are "Note taken" or "Touche" to points I make with him, and he turns around and walks away, He works from home online, video games online till bed time, goes to male sports events and games with the guy he does the event with, he talks tohim far more then me.

I have never seen any gay porn or crossdressing, but he is into pegging, as to which I first accomodated but got kinda overwhelmed by at a certain point cause I was trying to have fun and experiment and make him happy (I also expressed what mattered to me and id like to try, and it was crickets on my end doing for me) He says to me every now and then "Oh I need to do that thing you said" but its just words, no follow thru, Im really on my way out, getting my ducks in a row, cause theres nothing I really feel I can do, but it does make me very sad, over 20 something yrs and feeling like Im with a stranger in many ways,and realizing if I dont do the things to make this a relationship, he just thinks he just have to provide a paycheck and I should be content and not ask for more of complain. 

But trust me Ive tried it all, Im exhausted at this point, I live in a seperate part of the house when I am home cause my nervous system is so dysreguated around him. Bought a second home 2 yrs ago and I spend almost 4 mos there, currently Im a month away somewhere else, I go stay with friends and family, he seems to be always home. I really dont know what hes up too, because he doesnt talk, and his computer has always been his own domain and he has his own bank acct to buy and pay for things out of with online statements I cant see or have access too. Hes not really using our joint acct other then to pay off a credit card balance now and then that I dont see. When I travel, he doesnt talk to me much and I used to please ask for more connection, I asked to have sexual connection via cam and chat when Im away, he said "I dont like that, it feels wierd" such as if I tell him Im in the bathtub or shower, he says "Well Im gonna head to bed' but he is sexual, he does watch porn and has since he was young, hes got a very crude sense of humor and speech, not religious, he does masturbate (has paraphanelia for that) and we have openly said its okay if we do so, when I came to him a few yrs ago as I felt bad doing it and like it was wrong when I wanted to be with him but "I was too much" for him. He doesnt want blow jobs from me, he pretty much enjoys sex if I am straight forward, say I want it now, and take control, hes not into oral sex on me or from me, says "He doesnt fetishize it" as his answer.. this relationship seriously has been a "mind fuck" and funny Ive been using that phrase for a long time, way before I found the ourpath podcasts and forums... Because its just a bunch of unanswered questions.. stonewalling gaslighting

Bonnie Kaye books and her blog helped me.


- **"The Straight Spouse" by Vivian Fransen**: This memoir offers a candid look at Fransen's journey as a straight spouse. It explores the complexities of her marriage as her husband comes to terms with his sexuality, providing a heartfelt narrative that many can relate to.

- **"Unseen-Unheard: Straight Spouses from Trauma to Transformation" by Amity Pierce Buxton**: This book addresses the emotional challenges faced by straight spouses and offers a pathway from trauma to healing. Buxton's insights are drawn from her experiences and those of others in similar situations.

- **"Gay Husbands/Straight Wives: A Mutation of Life" by Bonnie Kaye**: This self-help book is designed for women who discover their husbands are gay. Kaye provides practical advice and emotional support, helping readers navigate the complexities of their relationships.

- **"Straight Wives, Shattered Lives: Stories of Women with Gay Husbands" by Bonnie Kaye**: This collection of stories shares the experiences of women who have faced similar challenges, offering solidarity and understanding to those in the same situation.

- **"Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages" by Bonnie Kaye and Doug Dittmer**: This book provides insights into the dynamics of marriages where one partner is gay. It discusses the journey of self-acceptance for both partners and offers guidance for navigating these relationships.

- **"Doomed Grooms: Gay and Bisexual Husbands in Straight Marriages" by Bonnie Kaye**: This self-help book addresses the experiences of women who suspect or discover that their husbands are gay or bisexual. It offers support and understanding for those facing this difficult reality.

- **"The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder" by Bonnie Kaye**: This is Kaye's own work and serves as a foundational text for understanding the dynamics of relationships between women and gay men. It provides practical insights and emotional support for those navigating these complex situations.

- **"The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World" by Alan Downs**: This book delves into the struggles faced by gay men and the impact of societal expectations on their relationships. It offers a perspective that can help women understand the emotional landscape of their partners.

- **"The New Gay Marriage: The Truth About the Future of Marriage" by David Boaz**: This book discusses the evolving nature of marriage, including the experiences of same-sex couples. It provides a broader context for understanding relationships in today's society.

- **"The Truth About Gay Marriage: The Real Story Behind the Debate" by David Blankenhorn**: This work examines the implications of gay marriage on society and personal relationships, offering insights that can resonate with readers interested in Kaye's themes.

- **"The Queer and Transgender Resilience Workbook" by Anneliese A. Singh**: This workbook provides tools for resilience and self-acceptance, focusing on the experiences of queer and transgender individuals. It can be particularly helpful for those looking to understand identity and relationships more deeply.

Last edited by Shh0406 (February 5, 2025 6:33 am)

I have done a lot of thinking about the origins of the Mindfuck the straight wives find themselves in and I believe I found my way out of it - regardless of whether I stay with my husband or not, I feel like the Mindfuck does not (and will not) haunt me anymore.

Below are my thoughts. Please bear in mind what I write below does not directly relate to the OP's situation (you have a lot going on and I have no idea about your husband's sexuality) - these are my philosophical musings and an attempt to unpack the "Mindfuck".

"Gay" is a very new concept - it is only 150 years old at most. Previously, people either had sex with the same gender or they didn't. Sexual fluidity was not talked about, but it was widely accepted. A medieval lord could f*ck a stable boy and no one would label him "gay" - it was the same act of physical indulgence and demonstration of power as if he f*cked a kitchen maid (and they did both!). In Ancient Greece and Rome same-sex was institutionalized - it was expected for the nobel men to have sex with younger men and with men and women lower than them in status. These were, again, simply acts of indulgence and power. People still had sexual preferences, but marriage was between a man and a woman (mainly for procreation purposes, romantic love is also a relatively new concept), then those in power could take either male or female lovers (or often both) - depending on their sexual preferences.

The mindfuck that the straight wives are experiencing today was created by the society's attempt to institutionalize "gay". This was primarily (and understandably) driven by the gay rights movement. Once as a society we decided (sometime early-mid-20th century) that people marry to "be happy" rather than "to procreate", we started asking questions about legalizing same-sex marriages. This clashed with many religious and societal values and... boom! The Mindfuck was born - the conversation around same-sex attraction become increasingly polarized, turning into "they were born this way" in one camp vs. "they are deviant and perverse" in another. Note, that both comments are equally divisive, and both attempt to ring-fence the "gay". Men that aren't squarely in straight or gay camps now have to choose between the fully gay lifestyle (if anyone tells me "same-sex relationships are just like opposite-sex relationships" - yeah, whatever, find some gay friends and ask them about it) and fully straight relationship, where every "gay" thought is scrutinized and condemned and therefore has to be hidden. You think you are dealing with a Mindfuck? Trust me, your partners have been struggling with the same Mindfuck their entire lives. I don't suggest you should write off the lies, the gaslighting and the deception they may have put you through, but a little empathy towards their Mindfuck could actually be liberating. It is a societal problem, not just your partner's problem - just like wars and social injustice. 

All the above is said with love and as an attempt to provide a way out of the Mindfuck. If you read my earlier posts in the MOM section - I really struggled with it too. Now, as I have developed a different point of view, I feel liberated from it. Good luck!