I was reading thru some of the helpful pinned posts on this forum, even though I joined here about 2 yrs ago, I didnt frequent much and now Im back.

I have been in this time frame of Acceptance of who my spouse is. More about how he is with me, that I have filled in all the aspects that make our marriage work, sex, thrive, success, togetherness, etc and I just stopped, and wanted to see what he will do if I stop. I also stopped getting upset at him not meeting my needs or hearing me, I just remained calm and asked questions matter of fact with no emotion. I admit, some of the answers sting and hurt inside and I had to walk away to cry, it was like a stab, but also reality and things i need to hear, this is HIM.

I think Im in a GID situation. Hes also high functioning autism, childhood abuse trauma also so I explained things away with those... 

But as I read here more some things stand out. We have been together over 20 yrs

Doesnt approach me for sex, prefers I be very aggressive to respond and initiate. 

Has had ED probs since the start, so he said, I didnt really notice a prob, but it was his reason and frustration, hes rejected, said "Dont think about it" when Ive touched his thigh in bed. At one point, he pushed me off him during sex and I was so confused, it was sudden and he laid there staring at the ceiling and was angry, I was so confused, hurt and in shock, asking what was wrong and he kept saying "IM BROKEN! YOU THINK THIS IS ABOUT YOU! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!" no compassion, softness for me, hes just in his head and angry, it was like this for several yrs, we hardly sex, about once every 2 wks, about 15 min, in our bed, and I was just grateful for the crumbs of attn I got.

Hes always been a cuddler, since the start, and Ive said I think thats the only reason we stayed together cause if I didnt have any affection, I dont think we would have made it.

He doesnt want to have sex in creative fun places, doesnt want to do phone or camera sex with me (I travel sometimes a month at a time and asked for us to connect, it took almost 2 hrs to get him to do so and I was so exhausted I dont want to do it again) if I made subtle comments, Im naked, Im touching myself, he would reply "Well I better get to bed" on the phone.

I went thru a period where I was on hormones due to some low levels and my drive was even higher and pursuing him, offering blow jobs, all types of things, which he said to me "I dont fetishize that, its okay" hes asked me to stop during a blow job like hes had enough.

He doesnt like to kiss much, we mostly make out if we do during sex, and I asked him a few wks ago, "Do you ever just want to make out with me?" He said "Sure about once every 2-3 mos" and I about died inside, NO WONDER! He said to me "What about you?" I replied "Everyday" and he replied "Thats like low level sexual assault" and then followed that up with "Im sorta kidding"

He doesnt really like to hold hands, but he likes me to show up to work parties, or his shooting events , and he says people dont believe hes married.

Im very full of life, curious, open minded, fun, energetic, a go getter, creative, sensitive, so Im very caring and compassionate, hes never sought therapy, unless I made the appt. We got married because I drove him to an engagement ring store after he was living with me for a yr when I said "I dont want this long term shack up thing" and I wanted to see if he got upset or wanted this? He walked right in with me and we got a ring that day I picked out, I had to tell him "Now I want to still be proposed too" 

Everything has felt awkward, I just thought it was the autism? This whole time

last few yrs, we have sex more and more experimentation, after I went on hormones, and we did kink quizzes together and then we did edibles. He is freer and more sensual with an edible, but just with the edibles. We dabbled in pegging, I thought it would be fun, I wanted some bdsm, for us to play in our fantasies (Up till this point whenever I asked him if he had any fantasies, for the 20 yrs, he said NO, YOU are my fantasy) was the answer

When I started the pegging, he went nuts, thrilled, over the moon with it, we were averaging this a few times a wk, he loved it! I made it fun and special and got into it, but then commented on what I wanted to experience, which he did twice, and I was traumatized in how he treated me in my scenario(Now Ive since learned you cant just enter into bdsm lightly) and I said how lopsided things were and I reached a point I was grossed out by the pegging. He was using an enema all the time, self play when I wasnt home, which I was fine with us talking about and being able to do. I decided I didnt want to do it anymore and we had a talk and he said "That was fine, Im just thankful I got to experience what I did, thats more then some people get to experience"

We just spent a wk away on vacation, no work, at the ocean, alone and no sex happened, I didnt initiate(normally I do) and I was frankly shocked, this is what I mean, Im taking a step back and seeing the reality, when Im gone, he talks to me every 2 days or so, just mostly about work, I drive the convo if it goes into more.

Hes a workaholic from home and into very hyper masculine sports, video games, hes gaming with his guys every night, one in particular, he talks to way more then me, between the gaming and the sport in person, they do it all together, they are traveling together, this is a young guy, they go out to eat together after the event. 

My spouse has told me when doing kink quizzes if we have interest in the opposite sex that he "doesnt like d ic k"

But there has been usually a gay male at every job, one was caressing his chest when we dated cause he worked out heavily and this guy asked to give him a massage when he was leaving the work place, I was all what? I was young back then and newly together. 

He had a gay boss who invited us over for parties in his home for holidays  and advanced my spouse without a degree to a job and position thats set him for life now

Another gay man he used to meet up for lunch, older guy now and then, and then he tragically died a few yrs ago and my spouse put money into a gofundme for him

He uses Cialis now with me every time, has for a few yrs

He has been on testosterone and was on it back when things were really bad and I went to the Dr with him who said "If anyone know if this is helping, she would know" and the dr looked at me, my husband just looked vacant. He was more thrilled about his workout performance due to the testosterone but no changes towards me sexually.
 

Last edited by ShayLynn (January 30, 2025 1:38 pm)