Hi Borogove, 
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sucks to be here - and you're in good company.  

Therapy has been absolutely crucial in keeping me pulled together and moving forward (GXH came out a little more than a year ago; my divorce is quite fresh).  I'll pass along the great advice I got when I was looking for a therapist.  The academic degree held by a licensed therapist is not all that important.  What matters is that the therapist is a good fit for you - that you feel like the therapist is someone with whom you can form a good connection and be open.  My therapist has a master's degree in social work, and I wouldn't trade her for a whole truckload of PhDs. 

It might take a while to find the right person for you, and it's totally ok if you try out a few different therapists before you find someone who's a good fit.  One way to start is to ask your friends if they know of anyone who could recommend a therapist.   I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you find a great therapist for you. 

Currently not going down the divorce route, but I did seek out a therapist. In my case a faith affirming therapist who specializes in edmr. We haven't moved into the edmr portion yet, but I do value being able to have someone to open up to. It's hard to find support for people in our situation, so I think therapy is crucial. Infidelity, or just a dead marriage is one thing, but the same sex attraction adds a whole nother layer of garbage on top.

Found my therapist through a work friend who had mentioned they were in therapy for a totally different issue. I didn't tell them my story, but did say I was looking for one, so they referred me. Maybe ask around and see if you know anyone who has a therapist they could recommend?

You mentioned listening to a pastor? A faith affirming therapist isn't one who won't necessarily preach at you, but will not exclude faith as a means of a coping strategy. They will in essence "affirm" what you believe.

FYI, I'm in a similar boat.24 years together, 20 years married, everything was going really well and I felt like I couldn't love any other person as much as her. Wife then dropped the L bomb. 2 kids, one is 19, the other 16. We're still together. My mind cycles between loving her and despising her. I've had good days, and bad. Ebb and flow.

Just try to be kind to yourself.

I wish this forum technology allowed for flashing neon lights around what Ellexoh said about GETTING A LAWYER. Yes!  

Also, I apologize if this is overstepping, what I'm about to say here. Your post mentions how completely this inverts what you knew about your relationship, and that you completely trusted her and believed in your mutual love.  In my case, when the GXH came out to me, it was like being handed the codebook that explained all his odd behavior over the past couple of years. AND STILL it took me many months to understand that he had a whole other life built already by the time he came out, complete with gay friend group, boyfriend, and a plan for how he thought our assets should be divided up, and a few more to really wrap my head around the depth of deception and the heaping of lies I had been living with.  

It might be really hard in the freshness of the heartbreak, but one reason you need a lawyer is that she might be way out ahead in terms of imagining her new life.  Ours are not ordinary divorces. 

Thanks for the advice all. The problem with the lawyers is I can see pretty clearly what I am entitled to… and it’s not a whole lot. I live in a no fault divorce state, and there is no infidelity here anyway. If she wants 50% custody of the kids she will get it. If she wants a 50/50 split of the assets, which are primarily the equity in our home and a 401k, I will have to give it to her. And if she wants child support and spousal support I will have to pay it.

My wife has arranged with her parents that they will move into a retirement community and allow her to use their house rent free, with furniture and utilities all paid for. This doesn’t help me pay any of my bills of course. But the questions are about: will she accept that this generosity from her parents substitutes for alimony/child support payments from me? Will she agree to something less than a 50/50 split of the assets, on her own recognizance of how devastating and disruptive it would be to sell the home right now?

These options are only possible with a negotiated agreement, and once we start talking about what each of us are legally entitled to, I can see only downside for me.

Last edited by borogove (January 29, 2025 6:32 am)

Borogove: With respect, if you aren't a divorce lawyer you don't know what your options are.  A lawyer can tell you whether if your wife lives rent free in her parents' house that will affect any child or spousal support.  
For me, seeing a lawyer was a momentous step to take (as it was for Ellexoh), partly because to me it felt as if it were the step at which I had to give up hope we wouldn't divorce.  But it was a very necessary step to take, both for the information and in letting go of my hope in the face of clear evidence that my marriage was over.