Elle,

Thank you for sharing the storm excerpt. I've been going through my own storm for what feels like too long, trying to hide away, but have slowly been finding my voice and reaching out to others. It has helped me immensely to read through the posts in this community.

(I've saved your excerpt so that it can serve as a reminder to me when trying times arise.) 

Hi guys! I am ready to make my next transition into closing this chapter. My ex-GID husband and I co-parent in the same household. We have been roommates for 4 years but legally divorced since May. I am ready for him to leave the house, BUT it means that I will have to buy him out (in my Marital Settlement agreement). I thought I could do this for at least 3  more years, but I am over it! The legal term for co-parenting in the same home is Nesting (parents seldom would rotate out). I have an appointment with my local Family law resources to determine the legal changes. I have also started to look into options to buy him out so my kids and I can remain in the house. I fear how my children will feel, but I know they will be ok. It will be an adjustment, but not a huge one (he travels 60% of the year). I feel like I am letting them down. They love having their Father in the home. However, I realized that my arrangement was still too much of a mental and emotional burden on me. I don’t want to see him daily and be reminded of his betrayal. He still hangs out and travels with his gay friends. I am ready for our ONLY interaction to be kid-related.

The bright side of nesting is it gave me time to create a financial plan to keep my house and provide a stable environment for my children. Please send positive thoughts my way as I embark on really closing this chapter.

Wonderful news, Gwendolyn! Sending lots of positive energy your way. You've got this! The kids will adjust, and you will flourish. 

freedmyself wrote:

I'm fourteen months post-disclosure, and divorced just a couple of months now.  I spent a big part of the last year being super productive and stable, and now the grief is starting to hit me.  I have good days, where I feel optimistic for my new life - I didn't know how hard it was to live with the GXH until he moved out - but I also seem to finally be grieving. 

Mornings are the worst, and I'm trying to pull myself into a habit of getting out of bed and moving my body so I'm not just lying there for an hour feeling sorry for myself.   And yet there's so much to feel sorry about!  I'm simultaneously trying to count my blessings (many!) and also honor my grief (copious!).  
. 

 

You've identified the times you feel worse (when you wake right?) so even though it might be tough you must find a way to combat that. 
I have a radio beside my bed. Mornings are a bad time for me too. I'm overwhelmed by sadness every morning. Every single morning, but I've accepted it and to stop the thoughts I turn the radio on, or get up and take my phone back to bed (I always leave it in the lounge) and although it's not a good habit logging on is better than giving in to sadness. Hopefully it's a habit that won't be forever.

You should grieve. It's an important part of losing/not having/being rid of the men in our lives we thought would be there forever. But this is your grief....you're in charge of it and never let it drive you.

Fourteen months is not long at all. Like you really ripped the bandaid off...bam! Well done

Elle
 

You aren't alone at all. It does get better. My situation my be a bit different, I was "fortunate" to get this bomb dropped on me at age 42.So starting over (minus half my assets) while hard, seemed doable. I learned and accepted rather quickly that my ex-wife never cared for me and actually hated (still does) me because I am everything she is not. This helped in my healing process tremendously, because she actually lost something/someone, I lost a headache, abusive gaslighting, manipulative albatross around my neck....pretty good trade for me. 

Why tell you this? Everyone deals with their situation in their own way. I found peace in living in the present, always. I rarely worry about much of anything and this is after a 23 year relationship (19 years married) to someone who beat me down every chance she could get and I was on anti-anxiety meds for the entirety of our relationship. (and almost immediately off them once I went extremely low contact). 

Where ever you get too, how long it takes, the journey is better in the present. Enjoy each moment as if you chose it. Anxiety will fade and a new you will emerge. I am shocked at how pleasant life can be, even with the challenges of a horrible co-parent and the state the takes 40% of my earnings and gives them to her so she can not spend it on the kids. None of that bothers me, it simply, is....

Be well, treat yourself kindly, and know you are now free. It does get better.