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1 - final_anon
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Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
I've been dealing with this since October 27, 2023. One day my girlfriend of 4 years at the time told me one night that she liked women. The next day she ended the relationship, but the day after she took her decision back and told me she didn't want our relationship to go to waste. With the promise that she was going to try and get help. In the moment I accepted, thinking there was hope, I was ok with having a bisexual partner, and did not judge her for it, but offered my support. She told me she was aroused by women, but she also felt the same with me.We then took this next year, where I did feel down a lot of the time, mostly because, she seemed distant and avoidant, a lot more often than previous years.
We went on trips together, but towards the end of them she would get increasingly hostile with me for no reason. In hindsight I think she might have been trying to get me to break up with her, but I love her, and I really wanted to figure things out. I found out she had been watching a substantial amount of lesbian content (films and movies) and I'm sure she also consumed a lot of pornography as well. So 2024 was a roller-coaster of emotions for me, where there were some highs, but a lot of lows. Physical intimacy started out fine, and then decreased to a trickle by the end of the year. To the point where I saw her physically eyeroll at me several times the last time we had intimacy, because she wanted for me to do my part, but she did not want to do hers.In late November and early December I started seeing a pattern where she did not want me to be with her on weekends, and I started anxiously waking up very early, because of the fear that she was probably being unfaithful. I tried to talk to her and spend time with her, but I was continuously getting more and more resistance.
One night when we went to sleep, she said she was gonna call her mom goodnight, a thing she always did, but she would usually do next to me, but she went out of her room to do it, there I was sure that she probably called a woman she was probably cheating on me with. Because shortly after in the bedroom, her mom called to say goodnight. About two weeks later on December 20, 2024, we were watching a tv show and she would not stop texting somebody, literally right next to me, where you could see her smile constantly, I confronted her about it, but she did not say anything. And on the next day, at night, she called me to say that she was done, that I was too much in her space, and that she had been ignoring her sexuality for too long, and that she wanted to do whatever the hell she wanted, all this via a call. Its been exactly 4 weeks since that happened, and I am emotionally and mentally destroyed. I want to make clear that I gave her space during this time, and I also told her on several occasions to not force the relationship, and to not pretend to be something she was not. All those times were met with anger, even though I spoke from the heart. I gave her the out, I did not want to have to experience infidelity, but that is exactly what she gave me. Our 6th anniversary was supposed to be last Monday January 13th, 2025. I thought I was going to marry this girl, even with our issues I loved her with all of my heart, I wanted to grow old together and be each other's support, and unfortunately I still feel the exact same way.Some days I've felt ok, like I don't feel anything. But others I am in this deep anxiety that I can't find a way out of.
My whole life got turned upside down, and I can only think how I would have just preferred to end things amicably when she came out to me a year prior, where she was confused, instead of dealing with the infidelity on top of all the mistreatment I endured during the year. I don't feel like I matter, or my life matters right now. Most places where I've read on these type of situations, most people just say to get over it, until I found a reddit thread where they recommended this community. And that''s why I'm writing. I apologize for the wall of text, I just don't know who to talk to.
Last edited by final_anon (January 19, 2025 6:33 pm)
- Daryl
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
Write as much as you need to. Don't apologize for it. Many here tried hard to save things but it can't be done by just one person. It's only been a year and a bit since this started for you and a month since the split so it's normal to be experiencing these ups and downs. Do things for you. Remember to eat, exercise, pick up (or return to) a hobby. Don't blame yourself for something you shouldn't have expected to need to be looking for.
There's lots of experience and wisdom here so don't hesitate to ask questions, or just vent if that's what you need.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
The people who say "just get over it" don't know exactly how huge this Mindfuck is to get over.
Welcome to our forum Final. Not to minimise your situation but the length of your r'ship might mean this won't have as drastic an effect on you as some of us who were with our spouses for many many years.
If my former partner had told me he was bisexual in the early years maybe I wouldn't have wasted.....well, I can't get those years back can I?
You have the chance to learn about how strong you can be in the face of her dishonesty and with the decisions you'll be making. We all know how much this hurts, and we're here to help you.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- final_anon
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
Daryl wrote:
Write as much as you need to. Don't apologize for it. Many here tried hard to save things but it can't be done by just one person. It's only been a year and a bit since this started for you and a month since the split so it's normal to be experiencing these ups and downs. Do things for you. Remember to eat, exercise, pick up (or return to) a hobby. Don't blame yourself for something you shouldn't have expected to need to be looking for.
There's lots of experience and wisdom here so don't hesitate to ask questions, or just vent if that's what you need.
Eating has been a big issue for me since this happened, I've lost about 12 pounds and counting so far, just because I don't feel hunger most days, I've tried retaking hobbies, but right now I can't seem to stick to anything, I am about to hit the gym and make it part of my schedule for sure, wish I would have done it sooner. Thank you for your insight and input.
Last edited by final_anon (January 19, 2025 8:52 pm)
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Thread Starter- final_anon
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
The people who say "just get over it" don't know exactly how huge this Mindfuck is to get over.
Welcome to our forum Final. Not to minimise your situation but the length of your r'ship might mean this won't have as drastic an effect on you as some of us who were with our spouses for many many years.
If my former partner had told me he was bisexual in the early years maybe I wouldn't have wasted.....well, I can't get those years back can I?
You have the chance to learn about how strong you can be in the face of her dishonesty and with the decisions you'll be making. We all know how much this hurts, and we're here to help you.
Elle
thank you Elle, I have a maelstrom of emotions, from total sadness to anger because of the years I seemingly wasted, I have to note that this was my first serious relationship, and one where I thought would end up in marriage, even she mentioned it at some point, that confident I felt it would happen for us. Even though she kinda implied she was bi, she ended up exploding at me when I tried to salvage the relationship and she just flat out told me with great emphasis and anger that she was a lesbian, no longer there was the person that did not want to let the relationship go to waste, she was a different person, she made it sound like I trapped her, when it was her decision, cause I never begged. Thank you for lending me your time, advice and perspective.
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Thread Starter- Alex1984
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
Dude... from what you write she sounds like a narcissist. You don't need that. My husband is bi. He doesn't behave like that. Lying, sneaking around and flipping the narrative are all signs of a narcissist, which is a far bigger problem than being bi or gay. I'd say you dogged a bullet. Look for someone who can meet your emotional (and physical) needs, not for someone who creates drama.
- final_anon
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
Dude... from what you write she sounds like a narcissist. You don't need that. My husband is bi. He doesn't behave like that. Lying, sneaking around and flipping the narrative are all signs of a narcissist, which is a far bigger problem than being bi or gay. I'd say you dogged a bullet. Look for someone who can meet your emotional (and physical) needs, not for someone who creates drama.
I've been reading on attachment styles and she seemed to be aligned with a dismissive avoidant, and lately I've been seeing info on narcissists, and I did find some things that may indicate she at least has narcissist tendencies, though I never considered her one, and I don't know if it was because i was still wearing rose tinted glasses and in denial this whole time, but you saying it is making it more real to me. Thank you for your input.
Last edited by final_anon (January 20, 2025 2:42 pm)
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
In one sense - length of time being relatively short - you've dodged a bullet. Imagine what it would be like to wake up one morning, you're middle aged and are just getting to the point that you can get ahead financially, the mortgage is just about paid off, the kids are still asleep in their messy bedrooms. It's dawn, you've woken early and feel queasy in the stomach, your heart aches you're anxious. You look across to the other side of the bed.. what's worse, that it's empty or the cat with cream look on her face as she returns, slipping her mobile onto the bedside table and herself into bed, facing away from you, not even giving you a look.
It just gets more dire with time, basically though you've taken a bullet to the heart of you, just like the rest of us. It takes time, and there's an element to it that it's a bit like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop - what is she really like. The idea I had of who my exgidh was so very different from the hidden reality of him creeping up on me.
In narcissistic terms they talk about the discard - saying it's the bit that hurts the worst but then you end up being so glad you are away from them.
Last edited by lily (January 20, 2025 3:48 pm)
- Ordinary guy
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
When your formally straight partner tells you they now identify as bisexual, they are in effect telling you they have homosexual attraction. The straight part of such an identity is irrelevant to the straight partner. Now, there are reasons why they are going to tell the straight partner this. It could be that they are being honest from a perspective of love and respect. They may find that their homosexual attraction troubles them in some way and may have done so for some time. There may be no intent to act on this desire or attraction. The other reason could be due to realisation that they have a same sex attraction they would like to explore. This exploration can be made easier if the straight partner consents to it. If they do not, and want to hold their partner to a monogamous relationship, you can get into a situation where deceit comes to the fore. They may treat the straight partner as a safe harbour from which to make exploratory missions into a ‘scene’ or another sexual or romantic relationship. Frequently being able to compartmentalise two different sides of themselves until needs and musts override the safety they held on to. For men, the compartmentalisation of a same sex attraction can be more likely to be physical. In this case, there can be often no emotional or romantic need to be with a specific partner, and it is compartmentalised as ‘just sex’. They will genuinely still be emotionally invested in the heterosexual relationship. It is still infidelity of course, coming with certain other risks. For women, the risk is more from them developing an emotional attachment to another woman. There is a higher likelihood that a physical affair will quickly become an emotional one. As soon as this happens, the man in this case will be rejected and likely vilified at the same time. This can happen to female straight partners as well, but this is probably more likely if the male partner was actually gay in denial or repressed more than bisexual and or biromantic. It is can’t consolation to you at the moment. But, this could have happened to you years down the line, when you were financially entangled and children were present. One of the common drivers for coming out later in life is a feeling that after children have been born, or raised to a certain age, the need to exist in heterosexual relationship is gone. This of course represents what becomes a multi-layered trauma for the straight partner. Not only is their relationship as they knew it at an end. Frequently the children are adversely effected as they knew it relationship between their parents often becomes fractious and belligerent.
You don’t need to get over yourself, or pull yourself together. You need time and distance. Hopefully with zero contact with someone who has hurt you emotionally to this degree. As others have said before, it is not being gay or Bi that causes any injury. It is often the lies and cheating that cut so much more deeply. When all is said and done, it is the fact that the people we loved and invested in, are not who we thought or hoped they would be. The person who is what you hope for is out there somewhere. In your case, a woman who will love you for who you are, not for what you can provide. I hope you find your peace my friend. I made the decision to put my son’s welfare above my own. It brings me comfort to know I was true and honest, emotionally and physically celibate for 6173 days. There are worse things to suffer in life. Your life is all in front of you now, and your conscience is completely clear. Go live.
Last edited by Ordinary guy (January 20, 2025 4:07 pm)
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- freedmyself
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
Hi Final,
I'm sorry for everything you're going through. This experience sucks, and is definitely a mindfuck, like Ellexoh says. So many of us on this forum have known that feeling of having wasted years (23 in my case) of your life with someone who was not who they said they were.
It's hard to remember sometimes, but this is not your fault. It was her responsibility to be in touch with her sexuality. It's really common for the gay or bi partner to get increasingly hostile with the straight spouse as they delve further into their true sexuality. Also very common is that the gay/bi spouse finds a way to blame the straight spouse for any problems in the relationship, even though it's impossible to be in a healthy relationship with someone who is not being honest about something so core to their personhood as their sexual orientation.
Hitting the gym is a great way to take care of yourself - even better if you can find a friend to go with you. Hopefully you've found a friend (or two or many) in whom you can confide? Remember that this is YOUR story to tell, in whatever detail feels appropriate and true.
Write as much/as often as you want. This is a weird one, this straight spouse experience. You're in good company, unfortunately.