Hi Team,

Here's our monthly update. We are only a couple of weeks away from our disclosure anniversary! We are not an anniversary-celebrating kind of people, but I feel like this is an important milestone. I very much welcome any snarky/funny gift ideas!..

Disclosure was an unusual event and an unusual year then followed. 

Currently, we hardly have any upsetting or emotional moments, the rollercoaster is definitely slowing down. It's summer where we live and life is generally much better in summer. Beach, wine, and catching up with friends. The biggest fight we had last month was about our poor dead cat's ashes. My husband (is a total moron) wants to keep them in the house. Seriously, forget the gay porn, THAT is perverse! Is there a forum where I can go rant about that???

In the last year, we have both worked on strengthening friendships outside of our relationship - both as a couple and individually. I think it has been very good for us. We have always thought of ourselves as happily isolated unit (COVID lockdown was a bliss!), we get a lot of social interactions at work and then spend a lot of energy with kids, so socialising with friends had never been at the top of our priorities. We are intentionally changing it this year. For me it was important to gain more independence from him and strengthen my own networks, for him it was an important step in reconciling his past and present identities. Conclusion - friendships are just like relationships - they need investment and effort but can be quite fun! 

He is still in therapy for his trauma and sexuality. I started psychodynamic therapy to work on my trust, hyper-independence, overfunctioning and to ensure co-dependency tendencies I had in the past relationships don't resurface (yes you can be hyper-independent and codependent at the same time!). I'm sure I'll dig out more issues as I go along. I parted ways with my cognitive behavioural therapist that I have been seeing on-and-off for years - I didn't think she was adding much value recently. We are not in couple's therapy at the moment, but have someone on standby should we ever feel we need them. We feel like we can resolve and repair most issues on our own currently.

We are not looking to see/date other people at the moment. My husband realised that he does have quite a bit of internalised homophobia. It manifests in him seeing same-sex sexual interactions as wrong - not wrong for others, but wrong if it is him, who is taking part. He desires the interaction, but can't help feeling it is wrong. I think to fully get over it and move on with our lives, he will eventually need to sexually engage with a guy on his own. I believe (or hope?) that it will help him to assert and reconcile his bisexuality. I don't believe it will be "opening the pandora's box and ooops he's now gay". There is no way to know for sure, however. Frankly, I am not in a rush to find out - not anymore. Early this year we did couple's sessions with his therapist and he tried to rein me in by saying "don't push the sexual interaction with a guy thing, it will happen naturally and organically". That used to infuriate me soooo much! I thought, I don't have all the time in the world to sit around and wait while he figures himself out! Well, I now understand that a forced interaction will not help him figure himself out. It does have to happen naturally and organically. It still annoys me, but there is no way around it. So I choose to stay despite the ambiguity and the risk that his sexual identity may change, again... Why? Because it feels good. Today. So I choose to stay - today. If this feeling changes, I will review.

Quick self-care reminder:
- Don't fixate on your partner's sexuality: straight, gay, bi, asexual, etc. - it doesn't matter. Instead observe how you feel in your marriage. Are your needs being met today? Is the situation getting better or worse?
- You don't need this big "evidence" or reason to leave them. "He/she is not meeting my security and/or intimacy needs" - are all the reasons you need to move on
- Build, maintain and rely on your own support networks. Narcissists will try and isolate you from your support networks, functional partners will support you strengthening them
- Trust your intuition. If you sit with yourself calmly for long enough, you will know in your heart what you need to do

Oh yeah, sex. Sex is good. He's currently fantasising about a threesome with a woman... lol... So yeah, maybe he is not that "gay leaning" after all, at least not consistently... 

Love to you all!

Oh, that makes me angry! Knowing absolutely nothing about me, you, Mam/Sir, consider yourself in a position to call me "desperate". And I bet you consider yourself a good Christian, based on your signature. Are you disgusted? By what? By queer people? Or by the fact that a woman chooses to love and live with whom she prefers? Great! Be disgusted then. This is not a conversation I am even going to entertain. Please read the rules of this post board, however.

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I cordially ask others to abide by the rules of this board: refrain from posting if you are not currently in a committed relationship with an SSA partner and only provide advice if it is constructive toward the goal of a successful MOM. Remember to read other boards on this forum for a balanced view.


https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=11033#p11033

Last edited by Alex1984 (January 6, 2025 5:35 pm)

Deceived123 wrote:

This is really sad to read....you women sound so desperate settling for a queer mate.  Things are only going to get worse and you are wasting your life hoping it will not change......your spouse should be committed to you and only you, unless you also desire to be sexual with the same gender then to each their own!  I seriously feel bad and totally disgusted by some of these post.  If you are ok with it, why are you here looking for support?  This is so damaging to many women and very traumatizing at the same time.  

As a Christian myself a can say definitively that this is not the way. Christ did not call his followers to a spirit of hopelessness or fear. Furthermore, if we believe what the bible says about marriage, then we should recognize that it is a gift from God. Matthew 19:6: “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder”.

We should be overjoyed in this day where divorce is rampant across Christian and secular communities, that there are people like Alex who are committed to making it work.

I would also say to anyone who has experienced divorce due to a SSA spouse, or any number of other reasons, this is not an attack on you or a condemnation of divorce. If we look to the Bible, divorce was given to mankind BY GOD, as a means to resolve our (humankind) own failings/ sin.

And yes, if our marriages were perfect we wouldn't need to come here for support, but again, even God recognized that human marriages were not perfect (hence divorce).

Deceived, based on your name and your reply it would seem that you have had your fair share of trauma. Ultimately I don't know you or what you've been through so I cannot say for sure. But please do not project your ideas of what a perfect marriage/ relationship should be. Life is not black and white. Humans are not perfectly good, or wholly evil.

People come her for support, not condescension. If you have nothing positive to contribute then please keep your comments to yourself. Otherwise, you are free to share your own personal experience, in the hopes that someone may glean something fruitful from it.