I feel like we've had a similar experience. Married for 20 years, she came out. I was seemingly ok with it a first, but once I had time to process what happened, I wasn't. Fast forward 5 months and I'm in therapy now. I realized that no matter what she says or does, there will always be a part of me that doesn't trust her. I have recognized that my feelings are a me problem regardless of the mistakes she made, and I'm trying to get help.

Like you, I consumed information on MOMs and most of the voices I found on the Internet went down the road of divorce. I don't blame them either, because trying to stay is extremely hard (although some of those stories made divorce sound like the lesser of 2 evils tbh)

But, there are some that have hope for MOMs. Alex1984 is pretty active on here and she could probably give you a better perspective on making a MOM work. I feel that husbands and wives experience this event differently. Hearing another woman's perspective could be more beneficial.

As for me and my wife, she has pushed her sexuality back into the closet, and I choose not to talk about it. This is definitely not a good solution for the long run. I have recognized my insecurities are a problem I have to deal with on my own (hence therapy). But I understand that therapy doesn't guarantee marriage success, only my own survival.

Probably a terrible, and albeit cheesy analogy is that if you're bitten by a snake, you wouldn't ask it to give you anti venom. I love my wife, and in times past, I would go to her for help and support. But she is the catalyst of my illness, so I must look elsewhere. Burdening her with my feelings on this thing which has burdened her for most of her life will not resolve anything. I'm hoping that once I've reconciled my own issues I'll be able to approach the situation openly without malice or anger, but understanding and love. And maybe we can come to a solution that makes us both happy. I want us to last, but I also understand that we may end in divorce anyway.

lily wrote:

Look I think there is a profound difference between being non straight or being a straight spouse to someone who has come out of the closet.
 

 

I agree with you on this for sure. Having a gay spouse cuts through what used to be societal norms. Whereas if my wife were straight, the idea of her going out with a group of women would not give anyone red flags. If she were going out with a group of men, several people in both of our lives would probably be asking questions. It's far more stigmatized for me to go out with the gender I'm attracted to than her. It definitely not a level playing field.

Lily you have been through so much more than I have and have more experience. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I feel like my ideas may come from a place of naivety. I'm still committed to making my marriage work, and the person I'm with now says she wants it to work too. That's not to say that person might change, or even I might change in the future. I just hope that she is genuine and isn't lying to herself. I have to relent that my wife and I are both humans, and capable of making mistakes, and even malice. I'm no saint either.

Pearl, If I have any advice it would be to not make any decisions in the heat of the moment, or in the depths of your feelings.

Again, I'm still struggling through this too so take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

Thank you Alex.  Your post makes me less anxious.  Things have been great since he came out, he's been in a great mood.  We've had sex 6 times in 3 days.  That's a crazy lot for us, usually once a week. I couldn't help but look at how skinny he has gotten.  We were folding clothes and he's just gotten tiny all over.  He said he'll start trying to gain weight when I told him I find some muscle attractive.  I hate to tell him that, but it's true.  He took a bad selfie the other day ( he never does selfies) in my makeup mirror.  Asked if it would be a good profile picture.  I should have asked for what site, worried it was Grinder or the equivalent.  We had been talking about PornHub, so I hope that's what he's selfie-ing(?) for.  He wants us to make our own videos together for PornHub. I'm actually okay with this, which he was surprised at. Months ago he did mention a threesome with another guy, to which I declined.  Then we were at a party for NYE and he kept pointing out girls that were cute.  As an attempt to prove he still finds girls attractive?  I just kept telling him we're not bringing anyone home!

How do I kindly tell him he really better get on the weight gain?  Some exercises at home.  Buy him protein powder? I'm not attracted to someone smaller than me.  (I'm 5'2",145). 

Thank you all for your posts.  They really do help.

Hi Pearl,

Have you asked him what the reasons are for his weight changes? Is it related to health, stress or is he choosing to look skinny? Is it still healthy skinny? Maybe loosing weight is his attempt to be more healthy and show his body more love and appreciation? Or, on the contrary, is it coming from a self-hatered space?

Considering what he is going through, it could very well be his attempt to make himself more attractive to guys (or generally other people). If he is talking about a pornhub channel, maybe that is his way to "prepare" for it?

I would first ask questions to understand where his weight loss is coming from. If the looks (or the feel of the weight of your partner's body) are critically important to you, there is no way around, but to tell him about it.

However, evaluate carefully, are they really that important or is it a signal that some of your other, deeper needs are not beeing satisfied? For example, do YOU want to feel small/light/sexy and is it easier to feel that way for YOU with a bigger/heavier guy? Do you want to feel dominated, held down, etc. and is it too hard to feel that way with someone you can easily overpower? If you have those deeper wants/needs, I would start voicing them first before "zeroing in" on his weight. Don't worry about him not being able to meet those wants/needs - you are both on the journey of discovery. He is discovering himself and you should be allowed to do the same. And you both need to feel safe to share! His disclosure can become your biggest opportunity to bring your relationship to the next level, but you both need to be prepared to work on it. You need to build strong and open communication, otherwise you are unlikely to make it through. You can bring all of this up with your therapist. They should help you navigate these conversations.

If you do decide to address the looks, I would do it through saying what you like (in him and others) rather than through what you dislike. For example, "you look quite butch in this photo/shirt, I love it!"

You can also discuss other guys with him now! Unless, of course, it's too hard for you to talk about it. Does he have a type of guys he likes? You can invite him to share. It might shed some light on his changes, too. Then you can share what type of guys attract you. You can point guys on the street or in the movies and ask him what he thinks.

Lastly, have you thought about exercising together? It's a great stress relief! My husband and I joined a gym after his disclosure. In those early days post-disclosure when I felt like nothing was under my control, it gave me something I could focus on. I set myself a goal to do a 10 week challenge, i.e. exersice 6 days a week for 10 weeks. It didn't have to be a full-on session every time, but a 20-30 min cardio was a must. It was good for me as it helped me manage this emotional turmoil (just gave me something that was 100% under my control), plus after 10 weeks I started noticing the results and it turned into a habit, so I now continue to exercise almost daily. When I was at my lowest emotionally, I would put all my sadness, anger and frustration into exercise and think to myself "I'm gonna get a killer body and find myself a much better/hotter/smarter/richer man".

Good luck!